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A brave new world

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RedPilgrim, Jan 20, 2021.

  1. RedPilgrim

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    NY, NY.
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This is my own personal quest, and along this quest I had arrived here. Thank you for having me. I need to share some of my recently enlightening moment with someone. I have 40+, married with children. I love my wife madly and she is the sole subject of my affections. Previosly I walk the world seen myself as a cisgender male. One my favourites hobbies is reading manga (japanese comics), I was reading the one called "Boku Girl", the title translate as "I'm a girl" but the "I'm" is in a way only a boy says it. So as you imagine, it was a simple comic about a boy who is magically turn into a girl. But the comic was not so simple, not for me at least. When I reach the end of the comic, one chapter away from finish it, but with the main conflict of the story ended. I was taken by an absolute sense of emptyness, greater than my own body. You see, i was living the life of this boy who turns into a girl, and start to discover himself. I was living it and I was loving it, and now it was over. Why? It was a simple story, why I'm crying? And then, I remember...
    In an instant, a magical moment, I walk my life backwards, and I watch myself pretending in my mind been a girl. I watched myself wishing been a girl. I watched myself when I have as little as 4 years old in my bed, hiding my little penis between my legs and feeling like a girl. My mind went back and forth my life connecting the dots... all my life, I had been wishing turning in to a girl, living my life as a girl. But I was already one! The emptyness cease and was replace with an ecstatic feeling of joy... As I was crying, this time from happiness, I was reapeting aloud "Oh Shit! Oh Holy Shit!!". All started to make sense in my life, I was begining to understand myself. It's a long journey, I know. I love my family, I dont want to lose them. In my favor I usually act naturally with the people I know and I care for, but I realized now, that my mind had a "Girly Girl Limiter" ON all the time. And now I know... And the controlled tendencies of this girly girl are taking my life... What I'm most frightened about is, that before this happened, I never dislike my body, I was only yearning what I didn't had... But now ... It's a different story... Sometimes out of nowhere a strong anguish assault me ... I'm going to seek professional help, I know I need it, most of the times I'm fantastic, embracing my new knowledge about myself, but sometimes it really hurts...
    Thank you, for give me this opportunity to express myself, it helps a lot.
     
  2. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

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    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
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    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello @RedPilgrim, and welcome to EC!

    It's so good to hear that you've put together another piece of the puzzle that is you. The journey of self-discovery can be such a scary, yet wonderful experience. That you understand yourself a little better than you did before is a huge step, and I wish you all the luck in continuing this journey toward becoming your true, authentic self. :slight_smile:
     
  3. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

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    Gay
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    Some people
    RedPilgrim.....Hello and a great big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! There is a subforum here on EC that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression". If you post there I think you'll find people who will understand how you feel and will be able to offer support and understanding! What you are talking about is indeed a difficult journey. I agree that talking to a professional about it is very important. I wish I could help you with finding the right person to talk to...but perhaps someone in the subforum I mentioned could help. You might also consider contacting a local LGBTQ+ Support Group for information about people in your area who specialize in Transgender issues. Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets and do keep us updated on how this works out.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. RedPilgrim

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    NY, NY.
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you so much!!! I'm new to all this feelings (the expression of them that is) but I know that this road I walk, is a road I been walking for a long time. I rejoice in the knowledge that I wont be walking it alone :bow::blush:
     
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