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A bit of paranoia?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Moondile, Aug 14, 2017.

  1. Moondile

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    I'm planning to talk to my dad tomorrow. I won't say "come out', because as of right now I'm choosing not to label myself. In fact, I'm not planning to talk with him just for the sake of telling him I'm not straight, I'm telling him because I've been highly attracted to someone of the same sex- someone I can't be with and certainly doesn't feel the same way about me... it's been really hard, and I've been struggling with these feelings for nearly 2 years now with support from basically only one other person. Both my parents know I have feelings for someone, but I'm constantly "censoring" myself out of fear that I'll get an eyeroll or a "It's just a girlcrush, you'll get over it! It's not even a real crush, you just want to be her!". I just want another person I can talk to about it, to get this huge weight off my chest, so when things get particularly bad I at least have other people I can go to for support and some fresh perspectives.

    I want to talk to my dad first because I have a pretty good idea of how he'll react, and it isn't a bad reaction. My mother is the one I'm concerned about. I know he's going to want me to talk to her about too, and I think she's already suspicious. You see, I went through a label-hoarding phase when I was about 12. I tried on all kinds of different labels (both to do with sexuality and gender, even if I was too young to understand what some of them even meant). I came out as heteroflexible at that age, and made a huge deal out of it too. My parents were supportive at first... but then when I started talking about my "crushes (back then crushes were still pick and choose, like it is for pretty much every young kid in elementary school, so I wouldn't call them real crushes)" my mum started talking about girlcrushes (as in... as a female getting a "crush" on another woman because you admire them or want to be them, sometimes mistaken to be a romantic kind of crush. Or at least that's how I interpret it) and that they didn't mean anything. Which, yes, could very well have been true at the time (and maybe she sensed it), but it still hurt, because back then I thought I was sure. Not the same kind of sure that I am now, though. This time it’s a whole different feeling.

    I know it was probably because of my age, but whenever I think about telling her what's really been going on this whole time, I remember how shitty that all felt back then and I'm worried the same thing will happen again, even if in my heart I know that this time it’s real. My other worry is that she’ll be offended when she finds out why I’m so hesitant to tell her. Are her views different now that I’m older? Will she be angry that I don’t assume that? You get the point.

    So, what I want to know is this: What do I do if my mother reacts the same way as last time, do I try to convince her or do I hold my tongue like I ended up doing last time? And if she gets offended, what’s a good way to communicate to her that it’s because of my own personal fears and not because I think she’s a terrible mother or something? I don’t want to wait any longer, this has all been bothering me for years. I just want to tell them everything without causing unnecessary fights.
     
  2. quebec

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    Moondile....You don't mention your age in your post. That would be an important factor in how your comments to your parents are received.

    If you are still a teenager then I would expect the same kind of reaction from your parents as the first time and, in most cases, there is little that you can do about that. In that case you may have to wait until you are in a position (older) to be able to tell them and be taken seriously....sorry about it if this is the case!

    If you are now an adult, then you should expect that they will listen to you more seriously. If they do not, then you may have to make it clear that you are no longer a child and they need to seriously listen to you. I would suggest that if they still don't take you seriously that you consider not just "holding your tongue", but telling them clearly...but kindly and politely...that this is really how you feel and then leave it at that. Again, not as if you are holding your tongue, but in a way so that they understand, that as an adult you are telling them how it is. It's important that they understand that, while their thoughts and feelings are welcome, you will nonetheless make your own choices and decisions. I wish you luck...hope it goes well.....David
     
  3. Moondile

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    Thank you for the response.

    Ah, I forgot to mention age. I am a teenager. Much older than 12 now (and obviously an entirely different person than who I used to be), but a teenager nonetheless.

    I talked to both my parents today, and it went way better than I thought it would. They both already suspected I wasn't straight (since I assumed they just forgot or disregarded what happened when I was younger, like I did), which I didn't suspect at all. My dad was extremely supportive. Once again I worry about my mother's reaction but I'm trying to remind myself that I may in fact just be a little paranoid. I think maybe she just needs some time to take it all in, which is 100% okay.
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Congratulations, Moondile!:thumbsup:That took real courage to Come Out to your parents!

    It's wonderful that your Dad was so immediately accepting! What I would say to you about your mom is that it is clear that she didn't take it badly, right? And you've had all of these years (your whole life so far) to come to terms with your sexuality. I would tell you that, more often than not, it seems to be the parent of the same sex as the child that has the harder time accepting homosexual tendencies in their child. So, just give her time. She wasn't immediately rejecting, right? That's a positive. I totally understand that you wanted (as would any one of us) total acceptance from our parents right off the bat. However, people are people and some of us take longer to process things (especially 'unexpected' things) than others.

    My 2cents.
     
  5. quebec

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    Moondile....So happy for you! This is a great first step...a BIG one! Now that you got that out of the way...take some time to work on understanding yourself. That is a project that will take some time so give yourself the time and don't feel like everything has to be figured out right away. Again...happy, happy, happy.....David