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50 year old virgin

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LateBloomerO, Dec 25, 2015.

  1. LateBloomerO

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    I will be turning 50 next year and I am still a virgin in every sense of the word. Never gone on a real date and only been kissed on the lips once. When I tell other guys this they either think I am a liar or that there must be something wrong with me. I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness where you did not have sex before marriage. I was never attracted to women and being gay is not allowed. I only stayed with the church because of my only family a mom and sister. My mother died a few years ago and when that happened I left the church and decided to be me, whoever that is). I went to a psychiatrist and decided I need to be happy. I began to tell close friends that I was gay and they were very happy for me. I told my sister and she said she was ok with it and if I did anything regarding dates or other things just to not tell her. I’m fine with that. I lost 45 pounds. I had the weight on because I didn’t feel comfortable sexually. I am still working out every day because I feel uncomfortable about my body. Wish I was the Tom of Finland type of guy. I’m big and stocky but not cut and defined. Never take my shirt off in public however I find bigger burly guys really hot. I have been told over and over I am a very handsome man. I just sort of brush that off.
    I spend pretty much all of my time with my sister because she is a 52 year old virgin who is still associated with the church and she doesn’t have a social life or friends. So my life is work and then time with my sister.
    The only exposure I have had to the gay life style is media and porn which I realize is either exaggerated or fantasy so that leads me to more insecurities. Does size matter, how do I look naked, etc. The other problem with porn is after I have watched it and pleasured myself I always feel bad or guilty. Another part of my upbringing. What will happen in real life?

    Being newly out (barely) I am afraid of catching something. I have done my research about safe sex, condoms, sores, etc. so I am educated. It’s just feels like I have waited 50 years, what if I catch something so I am afraid of going out with guys would are HIV+ even if they are taking meds.

    I also hate labels. I don’t just want to be known as that gay guy. Like any community there are lots of different people and some guys get really rude if you aren’t standing on the roof top declaring I’m gay or promoting gay marriage. I’m a private person. I feel like I don’t fit in. I don’t feel comfortable with other guys who are overly flamboyant. I enjoy drag race and Priscilla as much as the next guy, I just feel uncomfortable. You have to understand this is 50 years of being told being gay is bad and wrong. 50 YEARS!
    I have gotten on some of the APPS but have never shown my face, just from the chin down. It gets enough attention. First day I set up my account I had 24 messages. I don’t know if I should be open and tell guys my life story in the APP or wait till me meet. I don’t know if I am a bear or muscle or a daddy or top or bottom. I’m still so new. I don’t want to be fresh meat and be taken advantage of. Another problem. I get the attention and guys want to meet but I always find excuses not to meet. I am also spending all of my time with my sister. I’ve never been to a bar because the stories I hear about them scare me. I’ve gone to coffee or lunch with a few guys I’ve met on APPS but they never seem to go anywhere because the guys I meet just want to be that guy helping out the new guy. I have only kissed one guy. It was weird he told me next time open my mouth more. I am afraid that since I have gone so long being a virgin I will never go out or experience life.
    I cry during movie where others find love. My life is a really sad carpenters. Time and time again it seems like life has passed me by. I guess my life is filled with what if’s and fear about things that haven’t even happened. I don’t feel like I will ever be happy or comfortable with being gay and I don’t feel like I will ever fall in love. I don’t focus on it but when I do it makes me very sad.
    Do you have any stories or advice you can share with me? I am glad I found this forum cause I can relate to a lot of what I am reading. Thank you all.
     
  2. lovetoomuch

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    Welcome to the website! I can personally say you came to the right place. This forum saved me when I was lost, confused, and in denial. You'll learn that no one judges on here and everyone is just trying to help you.

    Now, you may see us completely different, but I see a lot of similarities. I'm a virgin, only kissed one person so far (it was a girl though), and I don't have much experience at all. You've gone on more dates than me, as I've never been on one with a guy. Now, you may say, "But you are 30 years younger?" But we do live in a society where kids are having sex younger and younger. Kids are drinking from the age of about 12; drinking is something else I've never done. I've felt like an outsider many times for not experiencing the many things that kids nowadays experience.

    However, I've learned to not be ashamed of it. It's who you are. So my first piece of advice is to not be embarrassed but embrace it. You don't know how many people I talk to who would do anything to have back their virginity. They had sex with someone they have no connection with now. While guys may just "want to take yours away," a lot of guys would find that cute - including myself.

    Apps, I don't know how I feel. I'm probably not the best person to talk to because I obviously don't have much experience. But I have used apps before and I'm not a huge fan. Guys typically on those sites are looking for sex or one-night stands. Don't get me wrong, some of the guys are awesome and you can make some really nice friends. Still though, the majority doesn't seem to have the same intentions as you.

    I would probably recommend trying out a bar. I'm sure it's intimidating, but there is no harm in getting a drink and meeting some of the LGBT locals. Friendships could form or even more. I've always believed that's how many LGBT people get in relationships. You make friends with someone, who knows someone else and then it's a big cycle of meeting new people and hopefully finding someone to spend the rest of your life with.

    You seem to think 52 is old but people are living longer and longer now. You are getting yourself in shape, which I give you a lot of credit for. People tell you you sre cute. Get some confidence and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. You won't find anything if you don't put yourself out there.

    Don't be ashamed of your lack of experience and tell yourself you deserve a relationship. Like you said, years have passed by that you didn't get to be yourself. But now is your time and you don't want to waste any more of it. I think you deserve happiness with the man of your dreams. Now, YOU have to realize you deserve it.
     
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  3. LateBloomerO

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    Thank you lovetomuch. You make some really good points. I need to take your advise and just get out there and be comfortable with me. I should think of my situation in a different way. Thank again for sharing.
     
  4. Distant Echo

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    Why not try a dating site instead of a hookup app? I know I said I would never join one, gave in one night when I was low. Now? I'm glad I did :slight_smile:
     
  5. bingostring

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    First, don't beat yourself up for letting time 'slip by'. You have led the first 50 years a certain way for a reason - you could not have done it differently for a lot of reasons. But now you are thinking about the next 50 years and how you want things to be different.

    Secondly, if the apps/bars route is not working (it is not for everyone) maybe you need a gentler way to meet LGBT people in real life. An environment where you can begin with their friendship and camaraderie and from there something may develop when you have got to know and trust someone. I am thinking of interest/activity groups (theatre, cinema, dining, hiking, sports).

    You have a certain history and if people value you as a person they will accept that history along with the whole package. There are also many people with a similar story to tell and your acceptance of their history will mean a lot to them.

    Have you also considered therapy as a way of supporting you through this transition period? It might make a huge difference all round.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    LateBloomerO

    Welcome to EC :welcome:

    While you are a late bloomer, you are not alone. There are many people who come out after 50. Check out LGBT Later in Life - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out.

    Since apps aren't working for you, you may want to meet some gay friends. I believe Portland is a pretty liberal city, so there should bed several LGBT meetups where you can meet like-minded gay guys for friendship and helping you navigate the waters. They may even help you meet the perfect guy.

    ---------- Post added 26th Dec 2015 at 07:46 AM ----------

    I get the sense that you are hung up on being the 50 year old virgin and that your insecurities are probably driving guys away. I'm not even sure what you want based on your post. Are you looking to lose your virginity to a stranger or do you want to meet a decent guy? You've posted a ton of reasons not to move ahead. I know this is new and you must be scared, but you need to figure out what you want and then get out there. Carpe diem!
     
    #6 SiennaFire, Dec 26, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2015
  7. AKTodd

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    Hi There!! Welcome to EC:smilewave

    So, reading your post here, various thoughts and ideas come to mind. Please see below.

    You've made a huge amount of progress and some major changes in your life in a short period of time. Congratulation! Even if you still have some more growing and development to do, give yourself credit for everything you've already accomplished.

    I can relate to most of this to one degree or another, either in my past or currently. Some thoughts on the matter for your consideration:

    a) Not being satisfied with your looks as an incentive to get up and work out (and eat a healthy diet) isn't necessarily a bad thing in and of itself - gets me up around 6am most days of the week to exercise. But don't let it dominate your life and keep it realistic. Tom Finland guys are hot, but they are also cartoons. And most of the real life guys you see like that in porn or the like - are PAID to look like that (as well as having very good genetics). It is basically their day job to maintain that appearance and that's probably what they spend a lot of time doing. Plus, as mentioned, good genetics. Most guys do not look like that, which is why that appearance is marked out as special - if it was easy and we all looked like Tom Finland guys we also wouldn't care about that appearance all that much.

    The bottom line is that you may never look like a male model - but you can still look very good -and most especially you can look good to lots of guys even if you don't look like a porn star (hint: most guys you meet won't look like porn stars either:wink:)

    b) Give yourself credit for the progress you do make - if you're arms are bulking up nicely, or you're getting some more definition in your legs, or whatever - pat yourself on the back for a job well done - Rome wasn't built in a day.

    c) Allow yourself to accept compliments from people. And realize that if they are liking what they see and commenting on it - there is something there to like, even if you aren't necessarily seeing it. One of your biggest challenges you need to deal with may be one of self-esteem rather than lack of experience with guys.

    This is something I would suggest you need to work on changing. Partly because if you are to gain more experience with the gay community (sexually or otherwise) you are going to need to get out and about more. Partly because it sounds like you (and possibly your sister) have fallen into something of a rut in this area. Change can be a good thing, even if somewhat distressing at first, and it sounds like the two of you need a change here. I say the two of you, because it might do your sister some good to go out and do some things on her own as well. I realize that because of her religion this won't necessarily mean massive socializing. But maybe she could take up a hobby or something. For that matter, has it occurred to you that she might enjoy some time to herself to pursue her own interests rather than spending all her free time with her brother?

    This doesn't mean you need to stop socializing with each other completely. But perhaps you need to change things around a bit. Maybe create some new traditions (e.g., you come over for dinner 1-2x a week or go on a hike every other weekend or something) or work on scheduling specific time together rather than spending all your time together.

    So, considering your specific questions:

    1) Does size matter? - To some guys it will, to most guys it won't. Most guys are going to take the approach that if you have a penis and it's happy to see them, they are happy to see it.

    Speaking from experience, I'll take a guy who's average or smaller in the size department and cares about me having a good time over a guy who's really big - and only cares about whether or not he's having fun. A really big penis can be a novelty and psychologically exciting the first time or two. Then the novelty wears off and you're back to dealing with the human being attached to it. Note that 'experience' plays no role in this - empathy and common consideration do.

    Sex is ultimately about sensations - I've had mediocre sex with guys who were quite hung and awesome sex with guys who were average or on the smaller side - guess which ones I kept wanting to get back together with?

    2) How you look naked - Unless you spend all of your time in public wearing a burka, any guy who has an interest in getting naked with you will already have some idea of what you look like and will have spent some amount of time imagining what you look like naked. Since they have presumably expressed an interest in getting naked with you, they apparently are liking what they see and what they extrapolate they will see. So, really not something you need to worry about.

    3) Feeling guilty - This may be something you need to speak to a therapist about - in fact I see various parts of your post that lead me to think that it might help you to talk to someone about some of these issue so they can help you work through them. Also, folks here on EC are a pretty friendly bunch and are also more than happy to talk to you about pretty much anything you want to discuss. That can also be very helpful.

    At a first blush, I'd say that sex and sexual fantasy (and sexual release) are perfectly normal and natural things, for gay men included. You're not doing anything wrong, either by fantasizing or by eventually engaging in sex with a willing (and age appropriate) partner.

    You've done your research and are committed to practicing safe sex. That's really all you can reasonably do. Think of it this way: You probably drive a car around all over the place. Tens of thousands of auto accidents happen every year - but you probably don't spend much time worrying about that - because you have made the calculation (and the society you live in has made the calculation and programmed you with it) that the odds of you personally having an accident are low, that you have various safety features in your car that you use to provide a measure of protection if something does happen, and that you drive in a way to minimize the chances of an accident happening. This, rather than never driving. Sex is pretty much the same thing, really.

    Unless you have a time machine, those 50yrs are the past and can't be changed. So, try to focus on the present and the future.Still a lot of years left there, you know:thumbsup:

    As far as being known as 'that gay guy' - Some (straight) people may think that way and who cares? The people who matter in your life will likely think of you as 'LateBloomerO, my friend/co-worker/etc who happens to be gay'. In particular, once the novelty wears off and you turn out to pretty much just being the same guy they came to like as a friend/co-worker/etc. to begin with.

    Obviously, you're very unlikely to be known as 'that gay guy' around other LGBT people.

    It's also perfectly possible to be socially active and supportive of LGBT causes without shouting from rooftops. You can donate money to worthy causes. You can donate time. You can wear a rainbow bracelet or get one of the more subtle bumperstickers. Lots of options.

    Feeling uncomfortable is a normal reaction to stepping outside of our comfort zone. It passes with time and experience but sometimes you have to just sort of 'power through' a bit in the beginning.

    Hm. I'm betting you weren't wearing a burka in your picture:wink: Yet you got quite a bit of attention and responses - so doesn't that kind of go against your idea that you're not good looking enough? And support the idea that some number of guys are going to find how you look attractive?

    As far as telling your life story - Whether you're doing it on an app or anywhere else, it's probably good to be open about the fact that you're new at this. Truth in advertising and also you probably want to be with someone who is willing to 'show you the ropes' and move along at a pace you are comfortable with.

    But it's not something you need to make a huge deal of either. And it's a temporary state of affairs that will resolve itself in short order.

    If you really want to know 'what you are' there are resources online that will define all these terms (and more) if you want. Or, you could just not worry about it and if someone else wants to call you a bear or a daddy or the like, that's their lookout.

    As far as being a top/bottom/versatile - that's partly something you learn about yourself with experience. But in the interim - when watching porn, you've surely seen anal intercourse. Do you fantasize about it? If so, which role do you see yourself in or provides the biggest turn on when you imagine doing it? That can give you some indication of which way you're leaning on this. You could also invest in some toys (Amazon sells absolutely everything) and do some private exploring in this area to see what you like (or don't as the case may be). The two main things to bear in mind are:

    a) You don't need to do everything all at once when you finally start doing stuff with guys.

    b) Not all gay guys like anal - around 20% or so aren't into it, with 'aren't into it' ranging from 'well, if you want to, I guess we can' to 'hell will freeze before I do that!!!'.

    If you do decide to invest in a toy or three, don't forget to buy lube, and be prepared to spend a moderate amount, but not a ridiculous amount. And always and only get something that has a flange or is otherwise shaped to prevent it from going all the way inside - you really do not want that particular trip to the ER.

    Whatever stories you've heard about bars are probably exaggerations (or are totally false) or otherwise have more to them than the story. What specific stories are you referring to?

    As far as being 'fresh meat' or being the new guy that another guy helps out - Is it possible that what you're struggling with here is that by this point in your life you're used to being the mature, experienced, 'I know what to do about this' kind of guy - and now suddenly you're finding yourself in a position that you (and society to some degree) generally associate with youth and inexperience - and vulnerability? Suddenly finding yourself in the role of 'blushing virgin' (in any and all senses of the word) is probably a bit disconcerting. But realize we were all new at this once and anyone worth your time will want to help you learn and have a good time doing it - but you have to be willing to be new and inexperienced in order to eventually no longer be that.

    This again may be something that you need to talk to someone about, whether friends, people on EC, or a therapist.

    First off see what I said above about not having a time machine. Second, consider using the time you could be spending feeling bad about missed opportunities - to go out and try new things. Literally - make yourself a rule (maybe even something like a 'swear jar' to give yourself a physical object to focus on and measure this) that any time you find yourself feeling bad about 'missed opportunities' you have to go out and try something new within a week. It doesn't have to be something relating to LGBT - but it does have to be something new that you haven't done before. Go to a concert or play or art showing of a type you'd never normally go to. Go hiking or volunteer for something. Try a new restaurant. Whatever. It may be that you end up not liking whatever the new thing is. Or you may find a whole host of new things that you enjoy and can do more of.

    As far as the rest of your post - please see below...

    Let's see here...advice, advice. In no particular order:

    1) I would suggest that you find some additional elements of the 'gay life' to explore besides the apps. I've never used the apps and don't have much of an opinion about them either way, but they do seem somewhat focused on a particular aspect of things and I think it would help you to broaden your horizons a bit. As such, you might check out:

    a) The local LGBT community center - I just googled 'LGBT community center, portland' (I'm assuming you mean Portland OR) and it looks like you guys have quite the place (google included photos). Go there and you should be able to talk to someone about local events, resources, groups, sports teams, volunteering opportunities (why yes, I think you should consider volunteering there - how did you read my mind like that?:wink:), etc. etc. They may even have some counselors and the like available.

    b) Meetup.com - Meetup is sort of a social grouping/networking/events site for all kinds of people, including LGBT people. Depending on where you are, you may find LGBT game nights, hiking/biking/running groups, singles groups, friends groups, going out to restaurants groups, professional groups etc. etc. I just did a quick look up for Portland and close to 50 LGBT meetups came up in the search - including THIS group which might be of particular interest to you. But really, you should look over what Meetup has to offer and try out anything that looks interesting to you.

    c) General online searching around 'LGBT resources in Portland' can also be useful. The community center will probably have a lot of information, but may not have everything. So it doesn't hurt to do some additional online research.

    d) If you are still of a religious/spiritual turn of mind, you might look into local LGBT friendly denominations. The Episcopal Church and Unitarian Universalists and perhaps best known, but there are a number of others as well.

    e) Gay Men's Chorus - Do you like to sing? There's a chapter of this group in Portland (either Oregan or Maine as it happens).

    f) Prime Timers - My husband and I are part of the local chapter of this group in Norfolk. I'm sure every chapter is a bit different, but they are a fun way of getting together with other gay guys for conversation, a guest speaker, and some birthday cake each month:slight_smile: They also do a Thanksgiving and a Christmas potluck as well as occasional day trips to various locations ranging from parks to museums and a booth at Pride. Again, every chapter is probably different, but based on our local chapter, you may be one of the youngest guys there. Treat it as an opportunity to meet some interesting people and perhaps learn about how things used to be for us in the past. Note also - it's a group of guys regardless of orientation, so some locker room humor may be heard.

    g) Pride - this might be more of a journeyman or 'advanced' level activity for you - but going to Pride can be quite the liberating thing. You may see some things there that are new and a little uncomfortable for you - but you will see a situation in which a huge number of LGBT people of all kinds and from all walks in life are all together and having a good time. Not to mention the sensation when you realize that 'we are the MAJORITY in this situation' for the first time.(!)(!)

    Ok, that's probably hit you with enough wall of text for now.

    Hope this helps and please keep visiting EC and posting. If you ever want to talk more directly, you're welcome to post on my wall.

    Best (*hug*)

    Todd
     
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  8. lovetoomuch

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    ^ Wow, I just read your whole post AKTodd and was amazed. I even learned a lot (myself) since I'm not the most experienced. Thanks for sharing everything and LaterBloomerO, I wish you the best!
     
  9. MillieLuvsBooks

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    Welcome, LateBloomerO, I know what it's like being a virgin. I'm 45 and coming to terms that I am attracted to women. It's a shame what society does to a person. We should be celebrated for waiting for "the one" instead of the possibility of being made fun of because we don't fit in society's norm basket.

    I wish you all the best....take your time and follow your heart.
     
  10. pinkpanther

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    Don't be ashamed of your past, it is what has made the person you are now, but be assertive in your attitude toward life. In times of need that's the only thing that has helped me find the courage to move on with my life. Perhaps you could discuss assertiveness with your mental advisor, there are even techniques that could help you overcome your anxiety.

    Plenty has been said already, so instead of babbling on forever, I'm just going to post this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0
     
  11. whatdoIneed

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    I'm a 48 year old virgin who only accepted I was gay a few years ago. I always made excuses about why i had not dated- some of which were legitimate to some point, but were a convenient excuse as well. I have not down anything to move forward with developing a relationship, or even entering the LGTB community (other than joining EC, of course), in part because there WERE still some issues I'm dealing with in therapy, then my parents became ill and my father passed in June, keeping me busy with estate stuff and getting care for my mom organized. Still- I am always cognizant I'm getting older and need to develop a social support network outside of work, and need the companionship of a relationship. Unfortunately, between work and the estate and keeping an eye on my moms care (She's in a nursing home, but still keeps me busy, that kinda HAS to be on the back burner right now. I just can't let it stay back there for too long
     
  12. Open Arms

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    AKTodd, I am very impressed with the time and effort you took to address the OP's concerns. All of you, great to see you supporting this new member.

    I wish you all the best Late Bloomer.
     
  13. beastwith2backs

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    I kinda feel how you do, on the whole religion part. I'm Muslims and wondering if I should stop believing because it's attitudes to homosexuality are negative. But just keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with being late-bloomer, especially if you've had a crutch like the jehovah witness cult ruining your life. All in all, you shouldn't be Ashamed of your past because, it wasn't your fault. And you shouldn't spend the next 50 years of your life looking back at it. Live the rest of your life to the fullest, and watch out for idiots who only want you for sex!

    ---------- Post added 26th Dec 2015 at 11:24 PM ----------

    Also, just curious, how did you find empty closets?
     
  14. Chris1024

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    I'm 48 years old and virgin from the Netherlands never kissed, hugged or anything. I'm not religious but i'm very ugly. I always got ridiculed about my looks from quite an early age. I do suffer from facial deformities. No women every showed interest in me and when I approached women they feel insulted. I just avoid women now at all cost but it's not like it matters anyway since i'm invisible to them anyway.
    From 20 up to around 35 it was pure hell to live alone and not being able to find love or having sex or start a family. I did get surgery but surgery only made my deformities worse.
    At around 40 I started to feel better, now i'm happy and sad at the same time. Yes I suffer from the fact that I never found love but not as much anymore. It's not a mental torture.
    I live as a recluse for many years now and I can say I'm institutionalized. I'm alone for years but I don't feel lonely anymore.
    I dont have a social life either. People don't like me and I don't like them.
     
  15. I'm gay

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    All of these statements from your post tell me that you are still full of shame. You still feel terrible shame for being gay. I think this is primarily what is holding you back. I thing you could benefit from therapy to work on relieving yourself from this shame.

    I also think that your relationship with your sister is not helping here. I'm sure she loves you, but your willingness to "just not tell her" means that you will feel unable to share with your sister any aspect of your dating. Would she never meet a boyfriend? Does that mean you have to date men in secret from her? I think this all adds to the shame that you feel.

    Finally, it sounds like you need to check out the bear community.
     
  16. Spartan 117

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    Oct 25, 2014
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    964
    Likes Received:
    539
    Location:
    Isle of Wight, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Just to let you know, I also come from a Jehovah’s Witness background and I can easily see how you ended up in this situation!

    Of course it’s overwhelming to jump into LGBT culture and dating after so many years of avoiding it like the plague! Be patient with yourself and realise that you are going to be a little naive and unsure until you find your feet. You’re not the only one who’s been in this situation! People have sex at different times in their lives, for various reasons - it doesn’t say any less about you as a person!

    My only advice is to take your time and listen to some of the other lovely people here on the forum.
     
    Unsure77 likes this.