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5 years later...not much has changed

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mr B, Jul 28, 2021.

  1. Mr B

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    Its now over 5 years since I acknowledged to myself that I am gay and came out to my then partner, now wife. After some serious initial turbulence, things have settled into a new normal. We have a loving relationship as a couple and the kids are happy, I am glad that we stayed together through this pandemic. That said, I am experiencing an internal tug of war that is pulling me apart: on the one hand my awareness of being gay has never been stronger, and its growing ever stronger by the day. On the other hand, I cannot bear the thought of breaking up with her, its too painful just to think about it. She has been in complete denial about my orientation and there is no way I can approach the topic with her. Any hint of it, no matter how subtle has previously triggered arguments. Neither am I able to see a therapist as she thinks that my coming out then was just the result of therapists' brainwashing. In other words, she is in denial is on an astronomical scale. This really presents me with a simple binary choice: stay and keep things as they are for as long as I can withstand it or, pack my things and leave. In the later case, however, I don't know how I would survive the heartbreak. Need to hear stories from people who left some years ago and who are feeling much better now!
     
  2. GrumpyOldLady

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    I can't help you yet but I'm in the same boat...It's been about 6 years for me since I started questioning and I did tell my husband but he hasn't really completely understood it yet I think. It was ok for a while but honestly the longer it goes on the more I feel the lack of passion and sensuality in my life. We have discussed it again but the conversation is really difficult and we haven't visited the topic again for a few weeks.
     
  3. bingostring

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    A sort of anti-climax / suspended animation after you have made the biggest life step?

    have you thought of couples therapy? It sounds like you both could do with saying stuff that just is currently being stifled ?
     
  4. SteveBi45

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    Sorry to ask a very personal question - do you have a sex life with your wife? If so, or even by the fact that you are staying with her is going against your declaration of being gay. For her therefore she won’t accept it.

    I’m bi and although I haven’t come out to my wife yet, I’m not planning to leave her and we have an active sex life. I love her and we’ve been together over 16 years with two wonderful kids. But I couldn’t imagine staying with her if I was gay. I would be unhappy and therefore so would she. I also think my kids would be greatly affected by my unhappiness.

    I don’t know your full story, but if I was in the situation I would think it best for everyone to move on and be who I naturally am. Yes, there would be immense heartache at the beginning, but my kids would eventually have a father who is happy and my wife would have a chance to meet someone else who could make her happy too.
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  5. Spaceseed

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    I find a lot of (heterosexual) women are in denial when their spouse open up about being bi or gay …
     
  6. Mj5963

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    Hi so five years ago my wife discovered I had been sleeping with guys and consequently I did come out fully to her . We have been together over 30 years have three daughters all out of the house and on their own . Never proud that I didn’t come out to her on my own terms but can’t change history. We remain together today I would at as great friends , companions and always have been civil about this . As you stated things are becoming stronger for you and pulling at you emotionally . All I can say is I fully get that and while neither of us want to divorce for many reasons I still struggle with t all as accepting my sexuality to myself and then to my wife opened my mind more to all of this as well. I feel being completely open and honest is the only way we can survive together . I lived parallel life for way too long and just feel if we are to remain together in our new relationship then being open and honest makes it survive . I can’t predict our future and I have my days whereas I think We should split up and relieve both of us of any consternation that may come up . So not giving advice other than in my case I feel it is working for us . My wife while not in denial anymore , she is more in avoiding the discussion mode , so I have to always lead any discussion on our relationship and future . Wishing you luck.