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Fucked over and completely done with just about everything

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by NikkisHideout, Sep 30, 2017.

  1. NikkisHideout

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    Little heads up, this is probably going to be somewhat unstructured as it's 2 in the morning and I'm too tired to think straight. Just so you know. I have no idea what I'm even hoping to get or what I'm asking for, but I just have a huge load of crap I gotta vent and before I just keep piling up all of this as I've done for the past years, I'll just write it down here.

    I don't even know how to write all of this down, but I'll try. Bear with me. Also, I'll try to keep the swearwords to a minimum, but since usually every other word is "fucking", there might still be some left.

    First of: I am depressed. Never had a doctor tell me so, but it's not hard to guess when I'm thinking about just jumping off a bridge every other day.

    I just feel like I can't bear all the shit that life-or-whatever keeps throwing at me. I'm too screwed over to ever get better, and that just fuels the thought that it's pointless to even try. The list of problems just keeps growing and I don't think it'll ever stop.

    I've been a loner for as long as I can remember. I broke down crying in 2nd grade and it hasn't gotten better ever since. I pulled some stupid stunts years back that got me kicked out of several schools, got handed from school to school, and in the end fucked my life up pretty bad. Spent years getting home-schooled, and only the complete isolation of being utterly lonely (the last of my handful of friendships crashed in 6th grade) was enough of a shock for me to get a grip. I'm back in school now and doing good, but what remains is what I feel is the permanent damage of being socially awkward, at best.

    I can't talk to people. Years of a childhood consisting of brief breaks between ugly fights at home have left me unable to even talk to people. I can try, but every conversation I have with people usually stops after a couple minutes or dies down in awkward silence. Even when I'm in a good mood, I have a blank expression on my face. I've stopped trusting people around the age of twelve. I don't trust anybody with anything, I'm a fucking useless loser at social interaction and my face makes people want to ignore me and not talk to me. I'm almost 19 now and I haven't had any friendships in about five years. I haven't had a friendly conversation with anyone outside my family that lasted longer than five minutes. And if I get along with someone, I usually manage to fuck up big time pretty fast. Happened just this day, I was talking to a nice person I've talked to a couple times on the web, dude about my age, and two minutes into chatting I said something stupid and he stopped talking to me because I accidentally insulted him.

    Enter the next big fuck-up: I'm gay. I don't have a problem with that and nobody's ever given me a hard time about it, but what it means to me is that not only I'm such an awkward fuck that my chances of even talking to people are precisely zero, but also chances of every finding someone who can love me back are about zero. Out of ~10% queer guys, finding someone who likes me back and is willing to put up with the piece of emotional garbage I am... you do the math. With all of this summed up, whenever I interact with people, I've already got this whole "it's not gonna work anyway" feeling going on, and of course (cue self-fulfilling prophecy) nothing comes from that.

    As if this wasn't enough, I feel like some sort of monster half the time. Being a useless fuck isn't enough, no. Years worth of hatred and an entire fucked-up family fighting have rendered me pretty much void of emotions. I feel like an empty something half the time, and the only emotions strong enough to come through are usually the bad ones. Hate. Fear. Envy. You name it. I haven't felt pity or compassion or anything in years. What fucked up kind of person does that make me, eh?

    This is basically what I tell myself. Every fucking day. And I don't even want to. They say people who have voices in their head, it's someone else's voice, yeah? If they've been raped, they hear their rapist or something. Well, I hear myself. My own fucking voice keeps telling me all of this. All the things I don't want to hear. That it's pointless. That I'm worthless. That I should just off myself right here and now. I'm probably properly insane. Just adds to the whole "don't trust anyone" thing, because if I told this to anyone, they'd probably shove pills down my throat faster than I can spell out "closet".

    So every dam day I try to keep up the blank facade, go about doing my things while I'm falling apart. And when something happens, I locked myself into my room, blast music into my ears as loud as I can to drown out the words in my head and cry until I can't cry anymore. Someone cursing or raising their voice is enough to send me into a fight-or-flight fit of being afraid because I've had ten years or more of parents who are pretty good at starting huge fights over nothing (just someone being angry they dropped something can be enough to have an argument of the worst kind).

    I can't talk to anyone about this. My brother picks at me any opportunity (and also got some kind of low-key homophobia going on, which he's aware of and doesn't like himself, but he thinks everything gay-related is ugly, pretty much). My parents make me wanna kill myself half the time, and the other half they assure me they love me. There have been fights when I've screamed out half of this, that they're making me sick, that I'm going to kill myself and make them watch. My father's threatened to make doctors take me away, my mother's told him to shut the fuck up, had a heart-to-heart with me, and then nothing changed. (P.S: every outburst I've had that has had no consequences feels like another cry for help nobody gives a fuck about.)

    I can't take this anymore. I don't want to die, but I want to stop living even more. Worst of all, I don't have the fucking balls to just put an end to this. I'm going to live till age 90 or something and die a bitter and lonely old man. I need to take medication because one of my organs isn't working properly, and there are times when I think of asking my parents to take them away and give the pills to me one by one because otherwise one day I'll just take the whole package and 2000mg of this stuff are more than enough to kill an elephant (I'm on 75mg, 125 can be a slight OD already).

    I don't even know what kind of answers I'm hoping to get here. I don't need anybody to tell me not to kill myself or that I'm worth living. I know all of this. But no matter what, knowing this doesn't help, and I can't force myself to believe it.

    I'm lonely. I'm fucking lonely. Tossing off five times a week and dreaming of a future I'll never have can't make up for the lack of love. All I fucking want is for someone to love me who doesn't have to do so, for warmth, human contact, anything. And that's exactly what a useless fucking pile of an emotional wreck like me is never gonna get.

    I know full well that I ought to seek help. But I've had enough psychologists to last a lifetime (I mentioned the whole fucking up in school part? Add in some months in a mental clinic, including getting pills shoved down my throat when I wouldn't calm down... that's when I stopped trusting doctors). I won't rely on even more pills for the rest of my fucking life (already got 3-4 meds I gotta take... organ malfunction, allergies, lack of vitamins and whatnot), and talking to therapists doesn't do anything. I'm at a loss.

    Help. Somebody. Anybody. I don't know what to fucking do.
     
    #1 NikkisHideout, Sep 30, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2017
  2. NikkisHideout

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    And as if to mock me, I'm good at lots of stuff. I understand Maths, can explain music theory to anyone and can program my own tools, but I can't maintain a conversation for more than ten seconds. Look at me, what a useless crap I am.
     
  3. univerz

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    i relate to a lot of the shit ur saying if ya ever wanna talk just message me.
     
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  4. no reality

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    I know how you feel man I sometimes feel that way too, one thing I always remember when I think about how the way I grew up and the way I've been treated by people and society I tell myself I wont be a victim and I wont be their puppet I say to my self "I am a man, I make my own decisions, I change my reality and I will protect the ones I love from the things I can't change and do my best to give them a better life". Remember that everyone is fucked in some way or another and we're all trying to deal with it in our own way. Also don't worry too much if people don't like you, I know that like 99% of the people that I see hate my fuckin guts but I'm always looking for that 1%, I have found people that do care about me, I probably don't even deserve the kindness and caring they have given to me but those are the people that you need in your life, I've found these people in some of my darkest hours when I thought I was going to be neglected and alone for the rest of my life and they give me hope and determination to keep going even though my life is usually a shit show.
     
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  5. Blackangel

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    It's true. No one cares, not even blood. I have right now the one and only person in my life that has ever given the slightest bit of a shit about me. She's sleeping 2 feet away from me. Although I don't fully trust her when she says so. There's nothing anyone can do. 100% of people will betray you in the end. They're most likely talking shit about you right now behind your back. So I decided long ago to be the thorn in society's side. Why kill my self and give them what they want, when I can stick around and make their life immensely more miserable?


    That's why I'm so skilled at destruction rituals.
     
    #5 Blackangel, Oct 3, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
  6. lovewine

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    Would finding an activity to blow off some steam help? Maybe workout? Run? Swim? Sports? I find it really helps me when Im in my sad state.. Also, maybe you need to change your perspective.. Not everyone is dishonest. There are good people out there.. Maybe it is the environment you grew up with that is making you think this way, and you can't help that, but you can try.. Start the positivity inside you, I guess? You will be okay and everything else will follow. Just change your attitude towards things you are doing or about to do.. I am pretty sure this will work..