4 years feeling low, need help (internalised homophobia? )

Hi,

Iam a 33 year old male from the netherlands. Ive been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (have a real low opinion about myself, think iam less then others, which i noticed in school/work)
7 years i began to slowly question my sexuality. It all started a good friend of mine asking me. I never had an relationship and i thought it will come. But the years went by and my friends got married, have children and i still was single. So i started to experiment with porn. My pref was lesbian always, but i noticed i liked gay too and that scared the crap out of me. I wanted to tell some1, but i couldnt.
The next 3 years went by, with this in the back of my head and this was really feeding my low opinion about myself. I guess i have internalised homophobia.
Till a year ago, things broke in my life. They shame of myself was soo big that even work was suffering. I took a long paid sick leave to work on myself through group therapy. I wanted to talk about the issues around my sexuality, that iam confused about it, but it was too hard. I did however mentioned it, but that wasnt enough, not even by a long shot.
A few months in therapy i got reconected with this girl i knew. I had a crush ( i think, wanted to feel her ,get physical with her, kiss her) on her. She became my first and only girl friend (had a few crushes in highschool with girls, but thats about it, mainly because during my life i never knew that many woman) We dated for a little bit more than 6 months and than she broke up with me. I felt like crap: havent i done good enough, is it because iam gay ( we talked about it and she said: no way , you might be bisexual, but definite not gay) On the other hand it was a releave. The relationship made me really insecure. Am i supporting her enough, am i a good boyfriend and also my sexuality (because i have ED and we didnt have proper sex -> is it really ED???) I still want to get back in touch with her, but that ship has sailed. And also do i want it because i really like her, or is it more to prove to myself and the world iam not gay (do miss her touch and kissing)
So i talked about my sexuality issues with a therapist. She came to the same conclussion as my gf, that i do have feelings for girls (that prob my inseceruty and low selfesteem where feeding this question about sexuality)
I also went to a support group for gays, hoping to find help. But after the intake i got into the relationship and i didnt want to go to that. I remember i felt filty after hading that meeting, which is strange and support my theory of internalised homophobia.
So iam single now 3 months and they had been a real rollercoaster. My mood is getting really depressed. I lock myself up, drink lots of beers. This is mostly because iam comming to the realisation that iam more gay than i thought (and want) I look at more gay porn, have more gay fantasies and find them more arousing than girls (hetero porn). Afterwards i feel disgusted of myself ( so i start drinking and that stuff)

My question is, how can i get rid of this internalised homophobia? Current therapist wont help anymore since i went through their biggest program and they dont have anything else to offer that could help me. My mom said she knows some1 who is gay with whom i can talk maybe that something.

Gr Arky

 

Ty for your reply and advice. I will take it under advicement.

Still gay and straight fantasies keep on tormenting me. Keeping me questioning and feeling low. The gay fantasies are mostly about where a guy (mostly no person in particular, just generic guy) is testing me if iam gay and the straight fantasies all revolve about my ex gf. So one moment i think iam straight, one moment i think iam gay, one moment i feel asexual (since i have no desire, i think, to have sex with any1 i know, or my ED problems), one moment i think iam bi (or maybe pan) Than i start thinking its not good to label myself and it will all become clear to me in time. But then again the circle repeats. And i still notice that the thought of me being gay gives me the most problems (keep in mind i dont have problems with gay people, just myself being 1, i still believe every1 may live their live as they please) So i really want to tackle my internal homophobia.

Also iam starting to think that my avoidant personality disorder and HOCD like problems i perceived, where all caused by internal homophobia. It looks linked to each other when i read up on it.

 

Since a month iam using meds against brooding, my fears. And also i started therapy. Since using the meds, things become real clear for me. Im not gay. I like the oposite sex. I even start to notice girls outside and i like it.
The thing is my ED and questions of surroundings got my questioning this whole ordeal. It made me check my sexuality (porn/fantasies) Although i sometimes still do it, its way less. My low self esteem/low opinion about myself is the root cause (personality disorder)
Iam glad im nearly out of this questioning phase, because it was really though for me.