Hi. Hoping to find support, acceptance, and encouragement here after being outed by force 3 days ago. Married to my wife over 25 years. Grown kids and grandkids. My wife has rejected me and doesn’t ever want to see me again. I respect that. As part of my outing I revealed that I had cheated on her with a guy recently. She is so hurt. So broken by what I did. Kids are talking to me but only via text and only when I initiate. Haven’t seen my grandkids in 3 days after seeing them nearly every day since they were born. My true best friend is my wife. My only other close friend (male) has not responded to me since revealing what I have done and who I am. When I was 8, a girl at school told the other kids I was gay. I didn’t know what sex was, let alone that there was sex between males. She was powerful enough to get the class calling me names and eventually my friends joined in. Completely ostracized for the next 4 years (ages 9-12). I’ve denied and tried to ignore/stop my same sex attraction for about 40 years. Over the past few weeks it became too much and I started to talk with guys on a gay cruising site I found. Subsequently, I had a non-penetrating experience with a man. The next day is when the extortion started. And when I lost my family, friends, and home.
Hey welcome to EC. I am sorry for what you have been through. EC is very supportive, we are all here for you
It would be great to sit down and have a beer to talk this over but the forum is the next best place. You can’t believe how many of us have been in a similar place. I’m there too. The clues were all there throughout my youth and adulthood but I resisted got married and have a family. For reasons that are beyond my expertise in psychology I have found it so much harder through the years to cover up my homosexuality. There’s a gay man that I’m extremely interested in and we’re mutually attracted. He knows that I’m married and is the only person that I’m out to other than some suspicions that my gay brother-in-law may have about me. At this point I can’t bear the cost of coming out to wife and family. I’d be ruined financially and lose my family. I feel for you and pray for the best.
Beezy, thank you for sharing your situation. It does sound so similar to mine. I’m blown away by how many of us there are. I wish I knew this a long time ago. One of my biggest regrets is cheating in my wife. I hope you don’t end up feeling the guilt I feel for breaking her heart by breaking my vows. I suggest finding another person to come out to besides the guy you are attracted to. We need a safe trusted person to be able to talk to in person as we journey through this mess. I didn’t have that. I think I would have been able to resist longer and not have cheated if I had been able to share my struggle. I would enjoy talking this over with you while having a beer! One thing I’ve decided is to stop hiding and holding back on making relationships. So, someday maybe we can connect and he’ll each other move forward.
Hey welcome to EC sorry for what have have to go through but happy at the same time you are getting to be your true self been through that myself.
RejectedAt8.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
RejectedAt8.....Now that the "Greeting Post" is done I need to say how sorry I am for what you and your family have gone through. I agree so much that having another person to talk to could have made an enormous difference. I went through many years of trying to be straight when I wasn't. It's a complicated story that I won't go into here, but If I had someone to talk to it would have have made a huge difference. Years of depression and self-hate could have been avoided for me and this terrible situation might have never happened to you. I finally reached a crisis point and came out here on Empty Closets. I was helped that night by the wonderful people on EC and avoided making a terrible mistake. Since then I have been able to connect to a great therapist who specializes in working with the LGBTQ community. He has helped me in so many ways! My life has changed and been so much better since coming out and finding a good therapist. I would highly suggest to you that now is a good time to find a therapist that works with the LGBTQ Community. My therapist happens to be gay...that has helped a lot as he understands very well the struggles and problems that I've had as he has gone through many of the same things. I don't think a therapist for the LGBTQ Community needs to be gay - if they are good at their job...but it can't hurt! You have a lot on your plate right now and I think that it's just too much for one person to handle. You do need someone to help you deal with all of it and a therapist is the right person for the job. Please give this some serious consideration. In the meantime, you have made a good first step by finding us here on Empty Closets! We will do our best to listen and be supportive, give you suggestions and just be here for you. Right now everybody in your family is in a state of shock. That will start to wear off and some of the initial anger and just plain-old-reaction will go away. Hopefully there will be some re-connection, but it's hard to know right now how much or from who. You need to know that, even though things are tough right now, this is not the end of the world. Your relationships with your family and friends are not over for ever. They have taken a hard hit, but people recover from things like this and from things much worse than this too. I am not trying to make light of what has happened to you by any means! What has happened to you and your family is terrible, but no one has died and life will go on. It will change...but there is always hope that things can get better. I understand just how dark it feels right now. I've been in those dark places and very nearly made a very bad choice that the great people here on EC helped me avoid. Right now you need to make it your first priority to find help for yourself. It's like the airline flight attendant speech where they tell you if the masks drop down to put yours on first before you help anyone else. You need to get help for yourself first...try to get yourself back on an even keel. Right now it's probably hard to think straight or get a good night's sleep and that is why you need to make self-care very important. If you have any questions at all...ANY...please don't hesitate to ask. You can ask here in the open forums or by making a Private Message to any Staff Member. Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and We Do Care.
Thank you quebec. I am grateful for the observations and advice. I have been suicidal in the past. Several times. I am NOT any longer despite this trauma. I have been in therapy several times but never with an LGBT counselor. I have my doubts about therapy helping me but I will find one and I will try. I am so glad you stayed with us so you can help others.
That's a horrible situation, I'm sorry this happened to you. I came out PARTLY because a horrible acquaintance kept threatening to force me out - MOSTLY because it was the right time and it all worked out but the threat was always there..
Nameerf I’m glad it was mostly due to being the right time for you. A small part of me thanks this terrorist for forcing my decision.
There's no doubt at all that it's better to be "out" - but it really should be a crime to take the choice of the method and the timing away from someone. It's horrible. Lot's of support here though, so I hope you'll find it helpful to stick around! And yeah there is a sort of relief about coming out isn't there - you often don't realise what a weight you've been carrying til its gone!
Exactly! That weight is gone! Held it for 40 years. I know it is the cause of my depression, anger, and wild mood swings. It has made my wife look at me with genuine fear for her safety because of the anger crashing through me. (I have never hurt her physically or anyone else except my brothers as a kid which I think is normal?) But man, the smallness I felt every time I made her react in true terror to me. Unbearable. Maybe now with this change I can shed the depression, anger, moodiness. Maybe be happy? For the first time since I was 8? Not sure if I would even recognize being happy.
I was the same for sure - didn't know WHY I was angry at the world - and hated myself for getting angry!
Hello I am sincerely sorry that it is not easy for you now. But I want to support you. I think this is not an easy time for you, but you did the right thing when you realized who you really are and who you really like. Now you have a "black streak" in your life. But after this difficult test, something good awaits you. I believe in this.
Your situation sounds very much like my own! Only difference is you are now out and free from the weight! I am not!
Welcome to EC. This is the right place to be. I am so amazed at how many of us are in the same boat. I call it the ‘The Denial Boat’. That is until it all comes crashing down and the boat sinks. Then it leaves us trying to learn to swim through all the crap we put out there as we hid the truth for so long. I call it the ‘day of reckoning’. That was the day I told my wife I was Bi. So here I am at 74 telling my wife the truth. That’s been a few months and she’s settled into the reality of it all. Her fear was over the top but she realized, thank goodness, that it wasn’t going to destroy our lives and we could still be companions. Not much more than that, but truth is I don’t have much interest in having sex with her anyway (that’s another story for another time). Don’t know where this is all going but I do know I had to get truth out before it destroyed me. Stay with us and be active and your questions will be answered and the support you find here will be just amazing.
