1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

37, Stuck in the closet and depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ChrisS84, Sep 18, 2021.

  1. ChrisS84

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi all.

    Been loving with this for a long time. Tonight I finally realized I just need to get it out. I need help. This is a long story and in the end I probably sound crazy. But mostly I just need to get this out.

    So as the subject says I am a 37 year old guy from Ohio. I knew since I was 12 that I was gay. I also went to private catholic all the way through highschool. I got the lessons school about gay being bad. I knew early on I wasn't accepted for who I am and this was a secret I had to live with.

    My entire life I have never verbally spoke the words I am Gay. Am I ashamed of who I am? No not at all. But is there a part of me who wish I wasn't of course.y family I have never told and what few friends I have had over the years I never told. I don't want to be outcast. I love in a Very conservative small town. Where I just know I want be accepted.

    Fast forward to present day. I'm now 37. Never having been in a relationship. No experience at all. I am tired of being alone. I want to have someone to love and love me back too. I'm not getting any younger here and I know I have wasted so much time. I don't even know how to approach another person I am interested in. Like how embarrassed I would be if they were not even gay.

    Last part to better explain what I am.... On twitter for example I can be me. I don't go by my real name and obviously family and friends don't see it. I have met an amazing guy on there. I have been talking to him for going on four months now. Got to know him very well. We have a special connection now. Sad thing we are thousands of miles apart. Today he was away and we didn't get to talk. It was my first time sitting back to think about this online relationship....then I started crying. I really feel like I am super close here. I love him so much. I don't think I should say anything because obviously it's never going to work being this far apart and secondly if I do and they don't feel the same way I lose what has been keeping me happy for the last four months. He's such a great guy and man what I would do for him to actually be here and local. These last four months has brought happiness to me just to have him to talk to. I don't want to lose that feeling.

    Thanks for reading my story here. And to be honest looking back on it now I don't even know what my question is. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm tired of feeling useless, un loved and alone.
     
  2. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    2,615
    Likes Received:
    1,297
    Location:
    Idaho, U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Chris.....Is there a reason that you can't move away from the town you live in? Is the job that you have something that you could do in another town? It sounds to me like you need to move away from where you've been living for all of these years. I know that can be really difficult...but it's likely the only way that you will ever be able to "break free" and be the true you. As far as your friend goes, of course moving to where he is...if it's in the U.S. would be a thought. I'm sure that the thought of leaving your home town is very tough, but I really do think that it is the key to your happiness. You probably have family there that you don't want to leave, but you have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life for them or if you want to live the rest of your life for yourself. It really is that simple. If you stay in that town you will never have the chance to live the life that you desire. Only by moving away will you have the chance to "I want to have someone to love and love me back too." (your words). You can always come back and visit, but that special someone who is out there waiting for you...He will never meet you if you don't go out and find him!
    .....David :Gay_pride_flag:
     
    ChrisS84 and QuietPeace like this.
  3. ChrisS84

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you for the reply David. I appreciate your message. I'm an accountant here where I live so while the job can not transfer j am sure I could find something somewhere with the experience I have.

    Leaving my family is what would be the hardest part. I honestly had not thought of moving. But I see what you mean about how that could help. New area could do some good. I appreciate your advice.
     
  4. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    1,145
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Welcome to EC.

    I moved to an entire different continent to be with someone (though full disclosure that relationship did not work out and I am now with someone else in that other country which seems to be working out)

    What I am going to suggest is something that I am bad at and still working on but I am going to mention it anyway.
    • No matter how he reacts you still have that four months to look back on.
    • If you do take the chance and he reacts well though think of how much nicer it will feel.

    If your family will never accept you for who you are do you really want to spend all of your time that close to them? I myself was unable to come out until after I had moved over 400 miles to get a different job. As an accountant you can definitely move, accountants are needed pretty much everywhere.

    Moving somewhere else is also not the only option. I lived in a town with only 110 people in it. I would travel to a city an hour away to meet other LGBT+ people, could you do something like that?
     
    ChrisS84 and FireFox like this.
  5. chicodeoro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Chris, your story really tugged at my heartstrings. I just wanted to say that at 37 you could have many decades ahead being being happy as yourself, in a gay relationship.

    Also, you're an accountant. In other words, you have a generously-renumerated transferable skill that can taken all over the US.

    And it's your life. Don't waste it trying to please others, or trying to live up to an image that isn't, at its heart, you.
     
    ChrisS84 likes this.
  6. ChrisS84

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I want to thank all of you for coming out and saying something to me. I really appreciate all the advice you shared. I really got to do something. It's got to the point now where I don't want to be a secret anymore. I want to be me and not hide from the world anymore. It's what I want anyways. Now I got to take action
     
    silverhalo likes this.
  7. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,043
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    When you cried to yourself, wasn’t that a crystallisation of what you are really wanting.
    You have to make a change to get what you need, and make a plan. No rushed decisions but a calculated 3 or 5 year plan. Either stay in your current location and change the things around you / push yourself out of your comfort zone or make a geographical move to a new life in a new part of the country.l
    This is all within your own power and you have total freedom in the decisions ahead. Enjoy the process!
    if you are stuck or uncertain, then a spell of therapy may help you home in on what needs to be done.
     
    chicodeoro likes this.
  8. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,630
    Likes Received:
    1,888
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The closet is stifling enough from an emotional perspective and it's often made worse by external ties. The simple truth is that we have to cut some of the ties in order to move on and live our best life and that means having the freedom to live authentically and being true to ourselves.

    At the age of 37 you are still young enough to effect positive change and the dialogue with the Twitter friend has given you a taste of what might be available, even if it's not necessarily with him. Just imagine having a group of friends like that in a large town or city with a thriving LGBT community... a place where you can meet up with like minded people for fun, friendship, mutual support and romance. It's all out there for you, if you make the right decisions about your future.

    Overcoming the shame that stems from your upbringing and religious education may take some work, but you'll be in a much better place to tackle all of that if you are living in a supportive community, so I would say that is your first step. It's time to make a move and do what's best for you. Really think about the places that will offer you what you need... it's not just about bars and clubs, but strong social networks and communities. Generally speaking, we have to look to the big cities - but not always.

    Coming out to your family will also be easier when there is distance between you and you have established a support network, but don't get too caught up in that right now. As bingostring mentioned above, work out a plan that will allow you to do things in order. Based on what you have told us, that isn't priority number one.

    While you are formulating a plan, keep talking to us. We may be an online community, be we are part of your community... the community you have sought to be part of for many years. You've already demonstrated the courage to create this thread and cross the first hurdle, so keep on keeping on.
     
    chicodeoro likes this.