Hello all, I'm new to the forum, my history will probably be long, I'll try to cut it short. Context I'm a 30yo male, have always been 100% straight, madly in love with girls. Only had a couple of short term relationships, and been questioning my orientation for a while, but more strongly since I broke up with my last girlfriend 3months ago. I have never had any thought, fantasy, or acted on homossexual activity. Evidences One day, sitting in my living room thinking about why I couldn't find a girlfriend a voice inside my head told me "I'm gay" - it filled me with strong anxiety and fear. I forgot about it and continue living my normal life. It came bake a few months after, and I diagnosed my self with HOCD (I'm not saying that I am, or that I am not, I am just saying that I have a doubt disease - it turns the doubt itself the whole point). Today, listening to my heart, trying to be brutally honest with me, I still don't want to be with a guy. I even tried masturbating to men once, but my mind went straight back to girls without thinking. I eventually check guys out, but I noticed that this only happens when I'm stuck in doubt. Several times when I was "free" of doubt, attractive guys passed thought me and I didn't even notice them - afterwards thinking about that I realize that a guy passed me and that it didn't called my attention. That never happened with girls, I have been always very attracted to (and aware of) them. The Spiritual Side I have had two strong spiritual experiences. One of them with Ayahuasca, it has showed my unconditional self-love, and it told me, laughing, as if it was provoking me that I was gay, I couldn't understand, it just didn't feel right, so I asked "what about in the worldly part of life", and it said: "oh, no, not in the worldly life". It showed me several "gay" stuff like a parade and others, and I just didn't feel that it fit, I never had the feeling that that suited me. The second one on a spiritism, I have been directed to an "desobsession" assistance (I never told them I was obsessed with anything, nor with my sexuality), and every time I go there the doubt always disappears - I feel 100% straight again - just note that they are not in any way against homosexuality. My day to day life I have always loved woman, I still do. I have a fairly active sexual life, and every time I have sex with girls the doubt disappears, as if I found where I belong. I can't see myself being with a guy on an intimate scenario. I cannot picture myself waking up next to a dude, I can't possibly think of having sex with one. But, I can't deny that I have been noticing guys more often nowadays. My doubt I have had two homosexual dreams, in which I kissed a guy, and needless to say, I woke up totally desperate. Dreams have always been so vivid to me. In another dream, the mother of a friend of mine showed up asking: "are you sure you're not gay?". I also have fairly frequent dreams with girls, and have had several wet dreams with girls, fantasising about them. There still something that makes me doubt myself, and I don't know what is - I passed the phase of being afraid of being gay, I just wish I knew what I was so I could go on with my life. My psychoanalyst thinks (she never said that out loud) that my mind told me I was gay to try to justify my lack of success having long term relationships with girls - I have been working with her for a while, and it makes total sense really... but, who knows? I have read thousands of stories from EC, thousands of stories from people claiming to have HOCD, and of course, I can relate to them all. What do you guys/girls think, have anyone been through anything similar?
Oh, by the way, forget to mention a relevant episode. Last week I was feeling really bad about the doubt. So I decided I would benefit from looking at gay couples to see how it felt and to ease the fear of the possibility that I was gay. I searched "gay men" in Google, and saw a bunch a picture. I just didn't feel anything - not good, nor bad about. I laid down in my bed feeling depressed, and I had some sense of freedom all of the sudden. I had free myself from fear, and that liberated me to watch some porn (straight porn)... So I went to watch some regular porn, and watching the girls made me extremely happy to remember how much I loved them... but still, who knows?
When your alone fantasizing and masturbating, what are you thinking about? This has been suggested to be one of the most consistent ways to figure out your sexuality.
Hey, thanks for your reply! Yeah, great to notice. I've read that in other places as well - I've always fantasized and masturbated to girls and I still do - for me it is basically the most beautiful thing on earth to connect to a girl I like through sex. As I write this, after a looong meditation session, I feel way more relaxed, as if I didn't need to label my sexuality, as if I freed my self to love, something that I'm sure I've always repressed. I acted as if I could only have platonic loves, and not 'real life' love because I didn't feel I deserved it (with roots that were well established during my childhood, unfortunately) - that's something I've been treating in psychoanalysis sessions... I chose to write here because I felt I could greatly benefit from the insights and experiences of other people who have had their sexuality as a relevant point in their lives - and I'm thankful for your input on that point. Also, just would like to add that this whole experience made me a lot less judgemental on people, a lot more compassionate (I can only imagine how hard it is to face society) both to everyone who has a different sexual orientation from the norms and to me. I'm very very happy for all of you who have been through this with A LOT of strength and courage - accepting to be yourself even thought it is different from what society expects you to be indicates that your connection to your true self tends (only tends, not necessarily is) to be a bit stronger than most people that just don't think about their true selves... What a journey....
Hey everyone! Any other opinions? I would love hear your thoughts about my current doubt... Thanks a lot.
How do you feel if you imagine not just sex with a guy but being in a relationship with a guy. Living with him and everything else involved?
Hey Silverhalo, thanks for the reply! I truly don't feel that would fit me - I can't see my self having a relationship with a guy, living with one nor having sex with one. But the doubt makes me wonder if I'm fooling myself... Is it possible to be so repressed that not even during my most private moments (masturbation and having sex with girls) I can think of man?
Yes... I'm on psychoanalysis at the moment. Every time I bring that matter, she listens, but she does not think that this is the real question: "what is the real question behind homosexuality for you? the sexuality is not the real matter for you..." she says. By her questions, I can say that she thinks that my mind answered the question on why I was being unsuccessful with girls by telling me I was gay...
Based upon what you've written here, it sure doesn't sound like you're gay to me. Of course I don't know you or your life, but your postings don't give off any hint to me that you are gay.
Reading the above it sounds to me like you may be struggling with what intimacy is for you and what it means in the context of a sexual relationship. You're having and enjoying sex with women, but you don't indicate much about spending time with others (male or female) or finding connection and meaning. In my opinion your doubts and fears that you are gay are arising from uncertainty over intimacy in general. Based on the information you provided I don't think you're gay in any meaningful way. That being said, I do think that most men are bisexual to a small degree, and that you being able to identify or even notice attractive men is probably quite common even among non-gay men. By definition few men are 100% "straight" and that can be uncomfortable for some. Sorry if I'm rambling. In short I think you may be concerned with 1) how to have intimate relationships and 2) how to identify with a label for your sexuality. Patrick
I hear nothing in anything you've written that would imply you're gay. I'm a little concerned that your therapist is being somewhat directive with you (which is pretty much never appropriate), and at the same time, I can also see how she may see your questions as driven by obsession rather than by any factual basis. It might be something to explore with her just to get further clarification.
Hi there. As someone who took a LONG time to come to terms with the fact that I am gay, I would like to caution you against putting much stock in anyone's opinion of whether or not your posts infer gayness. When I came out in my early 30s,the idea of anything more than anonymous sex was disgusting to me... My initial experiences never included eye contact, kissing, or any other traditional show of intimacy. That's all changed now. All I'm trying to say is that I believe, from personal experience, that is entirely possible to be so repressed that you can't even imagine gay sex, let alone emotional intimacy with a same sex person. I wish you the best on your journey!
Honestly, it just changed gradually over time without too much effort on my part. I'm still not at the point where I'd be comfortable getting married and living a "normal" life with another man, but as time goes by, each relationship I've had seems to increase the level of emotional intimacy I'm comfortable with. Time and openness, at least in my case, have been the best medicine.
From reading your posts: - I suggest letting go of labels "straight" & "gay" … & just following & inquiring into the energies u have around men. Labels reactivate fears & past conditioning, which interfere with the authentic expression of your being. - I don't agree that your energies around men are caused by not having a gf. Your energies around men have some positive recurrent force themselves. By your depth, which is expressed in your comments, u seem to naturally want to figure out what it's all about. Our minds can be fickle, & obsession oriented, but when thing keep recurring, there is some meaning there …"where there's smoke, there's fire". - Personally, if u want to get at the bottom of your stuff around men, I think it best to connect w another guy intimately, & then re-evaluate. Maybe you're bi … sorry for using another label. See if there is a particular kind of guy who turns u on. What would u be seeking w another guy - a heart connection, a close friend, a brother, sex? These things may be scary to consider … yet our fears can represent a direction that our being wants to take. If u do anything w another guy, set boundaries, & take baby steps … for instance, a get to know each other date, leaving sex for later. That way u can evaluate your degree of comfort & fears. Have fun!
Hey everyone. I was travelling without much privacy, so I wasn't able to login. That's going to be a bit long, so I apologize in advance - I hope it helps other people that read it. I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of "self-analysis", what I came up so far is this: I believe my obsession was triggered by my lack of 'openness' regarding intimacy and love (that even includes my family) - my lack of success having lasting relationships with emotional connection is what I believe to be the main issue. My last girlfriend was amazing and gorgeous. We have had a few moments of deep connection, a lot during sex (the eye to eye thing, which was amazing), but I just couldn't keep "opened". I remember thinking that I though she was just way too beautiful and too good for me (what a BS). I do believe that the issue is mainly caused by my parents divorce (when I was 4), so I have to deal with rejection and abandonment issues first, which I believe is the core issue. I have always had really low self esteem and severe insecurity, even thought I'm fairly attractive physically (slightly above average, I would say) - I've noticed that almost everyone that's struggling with sexual orientation obsession are insecure, so that's a very fertile ground for the obsession to grow. Even though I don't believe that "where there's smoke, there's fire" (not necessarily mothers with violent obsessions regarding their babies want to kill them - and the dynamics of SO-OCD is pretty much of any other OCD - and this is one of the most common types of OCD). BUT, I do believe that sexuality is not a black and white issue, and that I may be bissexual to some degree - at the moment, not enough to act on it. Both of my parents are pretty open, the closest friends I have are also open, so being gay itself doesn't bother me that much, I have had several gay bosses and always had a good relationship with them. Which bothers me the most is, first, the doubt itself, and second that I would not be able to have intimate relationships with the woman I love today (and that's one - only one - of the reasons that makes me think that I might not be totally gay in the sense of having an intimate relationship with guys, and building a sexual life based on homosexuality. I'm scared I'm gay, because if I am, I cannot sleep with the beautiful woman I love... (well, that sounds a bit schizophrenic). I do not feel comfortable, in any degree, to experiment with guys regarding intimacy. And I also do not believe that, for me, that would be of any help. Since it is a very delicate aspect of your life, I don't think it is something you should just experiment to see if you like - at the moment, I think that it would cause me even more distress. I would only do it, or tell somebody to do it if, and only if, they are comfortable with that idea and possibility. Regarding my analyst, she didn't, in any way, implied what I was, or what I was not in terms of sexual orientation. What she implied is that, the main issue is way deeper then my sexual orientation, and regardless of what that is, I must treat it (rejection, abandonment, loneliness, etc etc. basically almost all of it have to do with my parents divorce). There's a guy that writes about psychology, and he writes a lot about self-doubt in several subjects... The main thing, is that deep down, we almost always know what we want and what we do not want (or want to experiment or not). And the doubt tend to be on the surface of deeper unresolved issues, and I believe these are the ones I most focus the most now. Anyway... I do appreciate all of your comments, a lot, really - thank you so much. It is really important for me to listen to what you guys have to say, given that many of you have gone through a period of doubt... It has been a great lesson of self-love and self-acceptance. At the moment, I do not believe that I discovered that my sexual orientation is different from what I have always known and loved, but, I'll keep my mind and heart opened. I was born to be happy, not to be straight (even though I believe that I'll be happier with a beautiful girl next to me, than with a guy, but, who knows?)
I was deeply in denial for years, and I could never see myself with a guy but once I accepted myself, I started having romantic fantasies about men 100X more intense than anything about women. I am not saying this will happen to you, because:; your posts sound more like someone who's worried that intimacy problems with women mean you're gay, and it doesn't.
