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30yo and still confused...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Himo, Jan 15, 2018.

  1. Himo

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    Hello everyone

    This is going to be long one... I try to describe what I felt over the past 20 years in English. And it's not my main language... and I do it the first time... so please have mercy ;-). I am a 30 year old man, that still doesn't know what happens to his sexual orientation. And the circle of life pressures me more and more to find a solution for my future path. I am in a long relationship with a woman (11years). And it doesn't help my decision... So I hoped, that I could find help here...

    As a young boy (11-17) I was always interested in girls. I was rarely single and everything worked fine.


    Pornography

    In my teenage years, I consumed more and more pornography (but still in a normal way.). When I discovered the internet and pornography, I got more and more interested in “shemale porn” (maybe its the false term, but it's called like that on the internet). I don't know why... I wasn't interested in “gay porn”. The hetero-porn came also less attractive with the years. Today, I consume maybe 3 times a week “shemale porn”. No gay porn (I tried it). Almost no hetero porn.

    Pornography took a big space in my life, when I almost had no sex with my girlfriend. After maybe 7 years in a relationship with her (and 3 years in the same flat), she got a lot of stress with her study's. Sex was very rare (maybe once every 3-4 months). The only way to get sexually satisfied, was masturbate and watching porn (at least in my eyes).


    The separation

    This was the point, when I told my girlfriend, that I can't live any more like this (I told her that I need sex in my life. I told her also, that I masturbate on regular bases to porn. I didn't mention what kind of porn). She didn't like the situation either and suggested to live in separate flats, but still in the same town. I thought it would be a good idea and agreed. So we began to date again. I enjoyed it and we had maybe once a week sex. We began to be a real couple again... making things together, going out.

    The problem was, that I couldn't concentrate on the actual sex. I always imagined myself in a “passive gay position”. I liked (and still do) to think about a man “dominating” me. It is hard to describe, but in the porno movies I imagined myself also in a passive position. It came to the point, that I only got an erection, when I thought about a man (no “shemale”) having “dominating/aggressive sex” with me.


    Questioning myself

    This was the moment (maybe a year ago). When I started to question my sexual orientation. I began to realize, that I like the look of the men's sexual organs. But I could never imagine myself “in love” with a man. I realized also, that I like to think about women in connection to love, cuddling, kissing... but when it comes to sex; Men turn me on. This was/is really confusing to me. And I love my girlfriend. We think the same about politics, the world, everything... We shared a lot in live together.


    The big mistake

    My curiosity got so big, that I had to do something. I was afraid to speak with my girlfriend about all that (she once mentioned that she doesn't like gay people... didn't help). So I did a big mistake, that I still regret. I drove to a gay-sauna in another town. Most of the men there seemed to be there only for sex. So I went down on a guy. And another one had sex with me (me in the passive role, like described above). I still can't describe what I felt exactly. It first turned me on, but I got no erection at all. It also hurt a bit... But since then, I am even more confused. Maybe I want to live it again...

    After that, I made a test for sexually transmitted diseases (negative) and I hold it as a secret until now. I never spoke with my girlfriend about it. I think she wouldn't understand. I feel extremely bad and I should never have done this. It didn't give me a solution and I hurt my girlfriend.


    Confusion

    After all that, I review my life and try to spot a moment when I “acted gay”. But I can't find any of this moments in my life of 30 years! Maybe once (I was maybe 20 years old)... I was smoking regularly at a specific spot on the edge of the city after we went out with friends. An other friend always joined me. I had the impression, that he would like me. And I hoped it too a little bit (and again I had “only” sex in mind. No love. So I confronted him. He was surprised and felt a bit exposed. So we never ever spoke about it again.

    The conclusion is, that I consumed in my early age transgender pornographic movies. Until today, it is the only thing, that gets me an erection when I watch it. When I have sex with my girlfriend, I think about very explicit “aggressive” gay-sex, with me in the “passive” role. I love my girlfriend. I love cuddling with her. Being around her. I don't get it!

    And it begins to be a real problem. As I wrote in the beginning, it is time that pressures me. I don't want my girlfriend loosing time with me, when I am gay. But what if I told her all that? What if I try a relationship with a man and can't feel love? My future with my girlfriend would be ruined... all we share and built over 11 years.

    I really don't know what to do. I just want to know in which direction I should walk. Maybe your experiences and advice can help me.


    Thanks for your patience to read all this and your help :slight_smile:.
     
  2. Himo

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    I have over 100 views and still no replys... :-(. I'm not mad. I realize that my problem is complex and i think there are not a lot of similar experiences...

    I still wanted to push my post to try again.
     
  3. Losinglife

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    The pornography is not good, it changes your brain I read. Perhaps your trying to understand sex from your womans point of view?
     
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  4. Himo

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    Thanks for your reply. I think you are right that the pornography wasn't helping. I think the main damage it did, is the errection-problems i got. But on the other hand i see it as some sort of a sign, that i like the genitals of men. And this confuses me... Because i can't picture myself in a romantic life with a man. But i can picture myself having sex with men.

    So maybe a question for the Bi-People out there that like one gender for sex and the other for relationships:
    How do you see your future? Living in a open relationship with a woman and having sex with men (or the other way arround)? Or did you decide to go for one gender and live your life only with one partner?

    I really don't know what to do...
     
  5. shpinaltso

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    Hi, I can relate to your story - I'm 30 yo and even though I worked out a few things about myself I'm still quite confused =)

    I am bisexual and for quite a while I was (as I understand now) in a bit of a transition state where I accepted to myself that I was attracted to women but I was very sure that I couldn't be in a relationship with one. And then, years later I just faced myself and asked - why do you think you don't want to be/can't be in a relationship with a women? And I couldn't find an answer to that. That made me realize that it probably was internalized homophobia and just general unwillingness to deal with a complex situation creating this idea in my head that in no way I would enjoy a romantic relationship with a woman. For so long I was just following this notion but when I confronted myself it made me think clearer and actually admit that I would like a relationship with a woman very much.

    And for the future....
    Every bisexual experiences their bisexuality in a different way - for me it means that I need relationship and sex with both man and a woman so I would like to build a loving reciprocal relationship for all the three parties involved, not sure how realistic this idea is. Open relationship is another solution that works for some people. For another bisexuals their sexuality means that they can choose with whom they build a relationship - man or woman and they just stick to their choice.

    I also would like to add that figuring out your sexuality can take a long period of time but I think it is very important not to rush yourself to arrive to the decision. what worked for me was ignoring the whole pressure of age, existing relationships, future plans and give myself time and space for all the puzzle pieces to fall into the right places...

    Hope this is of any help and all the best of luck on your self-discovery journey =)
     
  6. Ride2Relax

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    Your curiosity already got you all the way to cheating on her... and it seems like you liked it.

    Can't tell you what to do, as I haven't been in exactly the same situation. But when I dated a girl years ago... I realised a few months into the relationship that I couldn't be with her. I kept getting off to gay porn, and fantasised about guys (I was way deep into the closet at that time, had never done anything with another guy).
     
  7. Mariana

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    It's totally fine to only have feelings for women but be physically attracted to men, too. You might call it bisexual heteroromantic but that's up to you.

    I think porn really isn't the best indicator for what you want in real life. Porn isn't real. It's a fantasy. You went and tried sex with men and it sounds like you're not 100% sure how you feel about it. I'm glad you got tested for STIs afterwards, but if you decide to have sex with strangers again, please use a condom! Also, obviously cheating on your girlfriend isn't ideal, but I think you already know that. I get that you're confused and worried, but it's not fair to her. If you feel like you can't talk to her about this, maybe you can talk to someone else? Like a friend or even a counsellor?

    Also maybe try to figure out what it is that attracts you to sex with men. You said you like the idea of being dominated - would that be the same if your girlfriend did it, or does it have to be a man? What if she used a strap-on?
    In the end, only you can tell what your orientation is, and it might take a while to figure it out.
     
  8. NoName87

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    Pretty much in the same boat as you I won’t hash out my story as it is quite similar to yours except, I am married 30yo two kids and I can have sex with my wife like a straight man. But super confused as to what I want and I told my wife!

    Please be honest with yourself and others around you. If you can’t seek help from a third party, the pain and fear is very hard to deal with but a very nessecary part of healing. Dishonesty, as I have learned and lived is the worst possible thing you can do to yourself and the people you love. I would give more advice. But as recently “coming out” to my wife. Honesty is the only thing that makes sense to me right now.
     
  9. Toromova

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    Your situation seems really similar to mine. My wife and I decided to try wild and kinky things years ago. I grew up having some feelings for guys but never acted on them until I was in my early 20’s. My wife told me that she wanted to see me with another guy just like I wanted to see her with another girl. It was almost like a dream come true, I would be able to act on that stuff with her permission. I admitted to her that I had sex with a man (actually told her about a threeway) before we were married. I did not tell her there were actually 20 or so guys before us until much later on. So she and I were “swingers” for a bit both of us having sex with both men & women. It was great admitting I was bi.

    As time went on, couples drift apart sexually and the more she drifted from me the more I have drifted towards other men. I now realize that the only things holding me back from coming out are 1) a deep seeded homophobia likely ingrained since I was a child 2) what will happen to her because I know we have to split for me to do the things I really want to (be with men full time, eventually settle down with a great man).

    I want to come out to her but I’m really concerned how to do it. I’m worried for her. We have drifted over the years but I do still love her. She doesn’t work and I don’t think I can support two households on my own. So financially, even though I make good money, I can’t pay double rent/utilities/car & etc. I have been depressed over it, sick by it, guilty feeling, you name it. I almost just want to get it over with. I’ve considered getting caught, considered having someone set me up acting like they were a jilted lover, or accidentally (on purpose) leaving some clue to it. If she would even ask me, I would be so happy because then I’d be able to admit to it.

    This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life.
     
  10. shpinaltso

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    I've heard a lot of stories about people identifying as bisexuals with time realizing/changing to 100% gay and to be honest this perspective scares me quite a bit, not because I have problems with being 100% gay but because it means me and my partner for almost 5 years will be over and this thought really pains me. I'm really enjoying being bisexual and hope one day me and my partner can build the relationship bliss you described =)

    It seems to me that your wife will understand that you sexual preferences changed and that marriage is not working out for you anymore, and she drifted from you as far as you drifted from her, maybe she isn't satisfied with the marriage anymore as well.... Unfortunately, the only way to find out is to talk and it seems to me that just an honest conversation will be more productive than a clue/getting caught. Maybe you could re-create the conversation where your wife brought up "swinging" - that seems to have worked out splendidly for you two

    Financial part of separating/divorce seems like a very tricky situation, but maybe your wife would like to get back in the workforce/change a job and might need your assistance only in the initial period? I don't know very much about the arrangement you have but in the end your wife is a grown up person and it would be a bit unfair on you to keep supporting her for the rest of her life...
     
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  11. Toromova

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    Thanks for the reply. My wife has not worked in over ten years. She claims it was due to some medical things but it took me the first couple years of our marriage to get her to start working and I know she never wanted to do it. We have had ups and downs but there are times where that attitude has hurt our marriage. She hasn’t been a bowl of cherries to live with (not that I am perfect) but at the end of it all I do love her and I don’t want to hurt her.

    I’ve heard that comment before about what’s fair to me and about my happiness. If I’m the one breaking up the marriage don’t I forfeit some of that right? Do you think it’s selfish to think only of my happiness? Do I need to be a little selfish in order to be truly happy?

    As for the bi vs gay situation. I think that it’s easier for people to say “I’m bi” almost than “I’m gay”. It’s almost more acceptable by some people. Especially so for women, the idea of two women getting it on still turns me on. I just really like sex with men much much more than I do women. It’s grown more that way for years. So, I may be 100% honest about moving that way, I may have always been this way & couldn’t admit it. Maybe being bi was a good “stepping stone” for my natural progression. I don’t know but I do believe that more bi guys lean this way than will probably admit.
     
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  12. Himo

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    Wow... i got some really interesting replys here! Thank you all for that.
    It still seems very hard to find a solution and/or a partner that supports all this.

    Bisexual heteromantic. It's crazy how it can feel good to be in a category. To have a definition. But as you say... i think i need more time to find out exactly "what i am".
    Yes, porn isn't real and i think it did more damage than anything else... but it gave me at least an indicator (out of others) what my fantasy is. It is the reason i realized that i like penises...
    When i had sex with strangers, i used a condom. I just wanted to be 10'000% sure by making a test.

    Thank you for bringing up the domination part. This confuses me a lot. The idea of a woman "dominating" me doesn't work. Maybe it is like that because i know, that i could "defend" myself easily. But the most reasonable theory i got up with, is the following: I think, that i have a sexist idea burnt in my brain. Men are dominant and women are soft and tender. So it has to be a man taking the "active" part. And i think because of that i would also be ashamed in a "strap-on" situation with my girlfriend. I want her to see me as a "manly man". It is bizarre, because i don't feel ashamed taking the passive/feminine part with a man. It turns me on. ....aaand in the everyday life i like being "the manly man". I like working in the wood shop with my friends, drinking beer, wearing heavy leather jackets and boots, riding my motorbike, gaming etc... I just can't figure out what my problem is here... maybe i try to hide my homosexual part by doing "manly" things (even when i know that being gay doesn't mean being feminine)?

    What attracts me to men? The dominating part, yes. But also simply the penis. It attracts me. I like thinking about it "in action on me"...
     
  13. Toromova

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    Along with my many other “perversions” I’ve done the D/S roles before, also as a submissive. I cannot speak for you as to why you enjoy it but I know for me it’s about “freedom”. I know that sounds weird that being submissive means freedom, but hear me out… in my work life, for years I’ve been a supervisor, manager, sergeant, general manager, director, and other complicated titles. I spend all day every day making decisions that affect people, budgets, equipment, facilities, customers, vendors, and etc. I make decisions all day long, I’m responsible for millions of dollars spent, and I spend many days where it’s just one after another. When I’m a submissive I give all of that up. I don’t have to decide anything I only need to do as told. That it includes erotic matters is secondary (I can have other erotic fun). It’s like a huge weight is off of me and no matter what I’m told, forced, or instructed to do, someone else decided that. Could this same thing be part of what gets you into that scene?

    I believe this is also a big reason I prefer being a bottom with men. If I were to be a top I would think I could just do that with a woman. It’s a very supplicant role.
     
  14. Himo

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    Well this is "funny", because i have a lot of responsibility's at work too. My decisions have a big impact on the life's of others. But i don't think it has to do with my job. Maybe i also pressure myself when i have sex with my girlfriend. I have erection problems. When i had sex with a man, i had this problem too, but i told myself "who cares. He is top, so he can still enjoy it".

    And can i ask you, do you consider yourself as 100% gay?
     
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  15. Guywest79

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    To op...I don't know what to say....find my other posts...i dated guy first time at 31...kissed one first time
    ...i still like girls but never really gone full way with one....i stopped dating for 10 yrs for reasons I don' even know why....now trying to find the one guy...i don' fit the fem criteria stereotype and not into a lot of the drama etc...be you I guess?!
     
  16. Toromova

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    As I think more and more about it over the years I have definitely solidified my orientation. If you asked me 15 years ago I would have said “about 80/20 toward girls”. That’s what I would have said, but I would have lied about it then, it was actually closer to 60/40 then. Now as I’ve got older I know I’ve drifted way, way more toward guys.. The ratio now stands at about 99.99 to .01 in favor of guys. That .01 is my wife, she’s the only woman I could ever have sex with.

    As has my sex life with men changed over the years too. Years ago I used to think I was a top. As I progressed I just knew I was a bottom. It’s what I enjoy.
     
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  17. Himo

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    This is exactly what i try to find out at the moment. And i am afraid, that it could mean loosing my GF.

    We are 11 years a couple and i love her. But i don't want to prevent her being married and having kids... We are 30. Its time to take a decision. And i am afraid of it.

    At the moment i lean towards the solution to break up. Telling her, that i am not ready for kids, marriage etc. And then i would try to know who i am... by dating men. When it isn't working... i lost my GF for nothing. When it works, i found my way of life as a gay/Bi man. In both cases i would have an answer to my question. ... Maybe?

    That has to be a tough situation. I am happy for you when this works for both of you. In my situation, i am afraid of this. I am afraid to life between two "worlds". (And she would never accept a situation like that). Thank you for sharing your experiance.
     
  18. NoName87

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    Dude I feel your pain on a very personal level. For what it is worth I feel like you should read my letter I wrote my wife. I will preface that after the whole trauma of “stating I may need more” and the thought of it all ending scared me into super bad denial or I realized and gained new perspective on what I want. But at the end of the day talking it out and communicating felt so good!!!!

    “ I am writing this to because I feel like I have to start acknowledging what I am responsible for.


    Let’s first start with my inability to properly communicate. When I am faced with difficult situations I shut down, plain and simple. When I get upset I see red and say things on impulse. When I am proved wrong I am stubborn and can’t let things go. The amount of regret and depression I feel when I treat you with silence, anger and resentment when all you are trying to do is have a conversation cripples me into a vicious cycle. I don’t know what has changed in me over the years and I feel it is getting worse, clearly need help! I realize that now. Maybe in the beginning we didn’t have the stress of life to show my true colors.

    I am sorry for invalidating your feelings in the majority of our arguments, I am sorry it has been this way for so long, and I am sorry for not being present. Clear examples that I can recall are this v-day, the time when u asked about the stipend, and stupid shit like when you ask if I completed a task like get paperwork or clean the house. I have been extremely hard to talk to, a “black hole” as u describe.

    I also acknowledge I am not completely present with our family. Even though I love my family unconditionally, I seem to have no initiative to do anything other than to provide and find a stable career for our future. I guess that’s because I have this fairy tale idea that I would work and go to school find a job and not have to worry about the most difficult and important job, raising our daughter and son. Also I use to feel like it’s a valid excuse because of the amount of hours I am obligated to be away from my family, it is not . It shouldn’t have to fall all on your shoulders, while I can only devote so much time I should be more considerate to help when I can, especially with the small things like making lunch, laundry and cleaning and acting like an adult when the kids freak out. I can’t imagine how thankless that feels and for that I take responsibility for that in full. I have a really hard time with sacrifice and wasn’t fully prepared to make the sacrifice or see myself handle the sacrifice, I didn’t know how selfish I am. I signed on just as much as you did.


    And now the most painful part of this letter


    As you know I haven’t been completely honest with you or myself. You know the history, it was great in the beginning and I feel we genuinely were happy together, you were smart, easy to talk to, caring, adventurous, and beautiful. The sex was great the time we spent together was great. But what I didn’t tell you is that I liked some kinky shit and felt sexual attraction to men (still sexually attracted to women but maybe not in the gender conforming way.) So yes I did withhold information that I would learn caused serious problems down the line, for that I take responsibility. And maybe I lied to myself by thinking I was cured it was just a phase, fetish whatever. As time went on I realized they wouldn’t go away and that I needed more sexually so I turned back to the porn and fantasies to get my fix. Also as time went on I was too afraid to say anything for the obvious and selfish reasons of staying secure and within a nice box of conformity. This also manifested little sex drive for me because I couldn’t be myself, sexually that is. I feel bad cause you gave me so many opportunities to just come out and say it and I didn’t, despite the fact that your mental health was suffering. It took A marriage, a sexless one at that, two kids and you seeing my browser history for me to confess. I was so relieved that You found out. It was even more of a turn on that you were turned on and wanted to indulge these fantasies. As the weeks progress we became close again, I still had my freak outs and normal bullshit but I felt like things were better intimately at least they were for me. And then another layer started to peel one that has me scared and confused. I am starting to question weather I actually need to act on my urges or is my needs just more of a fetish and we can work it out. I am attracted to you emotionally, romantically, physically we have a history and family. The moment when this became real serious devastated me, you saw, I couldn’t function. I love you so much and am thankful for everything you have given me, children, self confidence and real human connection something very foreign to me. I don’t know where I would be with out you. So when it became a real possibility that we will no longer be as one it crippled me. The confusing part is, is that physical love I have for you real? Or is it me trying to hold on because I am too afraid to face the reality of what I have done. So many feelings, so many questions but at the moment my gut says I want you but I also know I have created very deep wounds in our relationship through the actions described above. I wish I knew what the future holds, I know what I feel right now but that is ripe with raw emotion. Only time will tell.


    I am clearly not writing this in the hopes of peaches and cream. I am writing this let you know the majority of our relationship problems is not ur fault, you are an incredibly strong, intelligent, beautiful woman and deserves the right to know the truth and deserves to be happy! I am also writing this as a formal apology for all the bullshit I have put you through, it is unforgivable. I am Sorry Kate, I hope we and yes I said we can find peace again. “


    Love,
     
    Bicchi and Himo like this.
  19. Himo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2018
    Messages:
    72
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    Location:
    Switzerland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you for posting this letter. It takes a lot of courage to write this down and read it, knowing that it will have a big impact on a person you love. Thank you again for sharing such a personal thing with me. It means a lot and I am sure it will help.

    Its nice, that with this method you already have your words and you explain it in a thought out way. May I ask you how she reacted? You still see each other / have a good relationship?
     
  20. NoName87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2018
    Messages:
    99
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    48
    Location:
    Noneya
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Yes we are still together and happy. But as stated it’s I am still super confused! My love for her is real my attraction to her is real I mean we have sex often and it’s good, but that only happened when I confessed I liked “butt stuff” we did the strap on thing and it turned her on just as much as it did me. Her main concern and rightly so was did this go deeper? Did I need more? Was our relationship a lie? My reply “I don’t know?” Scared her and me.

    She wanted to make very clear that she stills loves me and wants what’s best for me. However she was extremely pissed I lied for so many years. She won’t accept being with me if she knows I settled for less than what I wanted. Meaning I have to put in the work to really explore what I want, via therapy open relationship or whatever. She just wants a statement of solid identity from me. So I am very greatful for her patience and support.

    So the sad truth is maybe we are still happy because I am still hanging on to what will never be. It’s embarassing tbh. I came out to others but I don’t think I have fully come out to myself yet. Or maybe I did gain perspective... I will stop rambling.

    Just please don’t make my mistake. It will get you very twisted.