30s and still confused

faceup: Reading your post, I felt a pang of recognition, but also very encouraged that you've found some fulfillment and intimacy with a man. I'm not at that point yet, but definitely want to get there. It seems crazy that it's taken me 15 years to recognize flickers of attraction to men as more than a phase, but hey -- at least it didn't take 20 years!

CapColors and bi2me: Thanks for your kind messages of support.

Update:

I've been feeling very distracted and overwhelmed the past couple days. The sense of isolation is stronger now because in my head, I know I'm attracted to men, but I haven't been able to act on it, or tell anyone beyond my therapist and one female friend. I feel increasingly fake in my conversations with people at work, at school and in my family, and it's been driving me a bit crazy.

Yesterday, I decided that I needed to tell my best friend (straight male, and I was best man at his wedding) about my feelings and preference for guys. I found a quiet corner at work, got my phone out, and texted my friend to ask if he had a few minutes for a text conversation. He replied yes. So I copied-and-pasted a few lines that I had composed explaining that I'm attracted to guys more than girls, that I don't want to date girls anymore, and that this has been very new and terrifying for me, but that it also feels right. I stared at it for a long time with my thumb hovering over 'send', until finally I just did it. I felt very emotional, and my hands were shaking, but I don't think I had any other choice but to go crazy.

It took about a minute for his reply...which was to ask a couple reasonable clarifying questions (whether I've told my family, etc.). I told him it's been a very painful time for me, but that it's starting to get better because I feel less confused. I said sorry for being unpleasant with him lately, and promised that I hadn't been lying all these years.

He said he never thought I was lying, then told me, "I wish I had some sort of wise words or helpful advice. I am feeling at a loss for useful words though. Just know that i will support you no matter what and you will always be my best friend."

I started shaking and quietly sobbing. I told him I had really needed to hear that, and that I was afraid he was going to react badly, to which he replied, "Well I don't think you would have picked a best friend who would be a type of person who would be bothered by such things." Then he told me he wasn't upset, uncomfortable or angry...just a bit awkward in trying to find the right words to respond...and mostly hoping that I'm okay. We continued texting a bit and he made a few funny inside jokes...so it feels like we're back to normal and better than before.

Anyway, I'm so relieved that I still have a best friend after telling him that basically I think I'm gay. I was so scared but so isolated, I needed to do it.

Unfortunately, I had to meet my mom about an hour after that text conversation, and I kept tearing up as she asked me about my life / any nice girls, etc. I don't feel ready to tell her, but she knows something's up. She probably just thinks I'm lonely. Or maybe she will get a hint. Either way, I was so completely and utterly emotionally drained last night that I was still wiped out today after a full night sleep. I felt a bit down today, but I think that will pass.

Thanks for reading. (&&&) EC has become a big support for me.

 

CapColors: Thanks for your cheerleading!

TeaTree: I think that's the great thing about this forum -- we can relate to each others' stories so well. Congrats on your own coming out to your best friend too :eusa_clap

Filip: I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. It feels like I've got some momentum going now on my journey or discovery/outness, but I'm a bit afraid of losing steam, stalling and getting stuck halfway out. I'm curious, when you say it took you more than a year to get to the point I am now, what do you count as your t = 0? Coming out to yourself?

I'm really looking forward to the day when I'm not afraid and holding back anymore...and have that energy you speak of.

faceup: Thanks for your support. And hang in there yourself. From all the stories I've read on EC, the emotional rollercoaster you're talking about seems completely normal, albeit unpleasant. Your gut feeling on your friend not having a bad reaction is probably right. I had a similar feeling about my friend. But you should tell him only when you're ready. I didn't plan on telling my friend the other day, I just had this huge buildup of emotion inside and felt like I NEEDED to tell him, consequences be damned. Remember that there are lots of people here that support you when you feel ready. I hope I find a someone one day too. I wish the same for you.

Mickey 29: Great movie recommendations! I watched 4 Moons last night and *blush* really really liked it. I especially liked the couple who were college friends. Nothing felt wrong or dirty about it (unlike 'Looking'). And yeah, the guys were pretty good looking :icon_bigg

rachael1954: It's touching to realize people like you are reading my posts so closely. Support doesn't always have to be positive -- just knowing that the worries are common is sometimes enough to lessen them. At the times I'm most bound up in worry along this journey, the best thing I find is just to talk about it. Oftentimes articulating the amorphous anxieties in my head helps to slay them. Putting them into words makes them seem smaller and not nearly as insurmountable. I still haven't 'dipped my toes in the proverbial waters', but my journey began in my head and I expect I'll slowly be 'making it real'.

Perhaps yours is just another way to take the same journey: start with experience and physical experimentation first, then change their internal concept of yourself afterwards.

 

I'm feeling really upset and I don't know where to turn right now, so I'm sharing with you guys.

Update:

About 3 weeks ago, I started writing a coming out letter addressed to my parents. I revised it again and again, and waited for the right opportunity to give it to them.

I finally delivered it last week. I was visiting my parents, and after they went to sleep, I placed the letter on the kitchen counter with a sticky note on it saying, "Read this, think about it, then talk to me." I took a sleeping pill, went to bed, and waited for morning.

My parents found the letter, read it, and after a couple minutes, came into my room to talk. They reassured me that it's okay, that they love me no matter what, that being gay doesn't change a thing for them. My dad said the biggest change is me accepting it in my head, and that now I can stop fighting myself. I sobbed -- really hard -- under the covers with my face pressed in the pillow. I finally turned over to look at them, and it all seemed okay. The hardest part was over.

Since then, my dad has been great and totally normal. And my mom was supportive too, even saying the next day that she thinks I will find someone really nice and even get married, and when I do, she will be so proud. She asked me to stay with them a few more days because they were worried about my state-of-mind.

But then things started to shift on Saturday night. She started talking about how people's ideas of who they love can change (kinda true), and reminded me that I had twice before denied being gay at age 14 and 20-something (in my letter, I had explained, in detail, how I didn't know before, but now I do). She talked to me about a girl I had dated, asked me if I had loved her (to which I said yes in a round-about way), and said she was glad I admitted that. We talked some more, and I said I felt normal, and didn't relate to stereotypical gay culture. Then my mom mentioned a long-time family friend (who is gay), saying with a laugh that he can be "such a f*cking f*g". It didn't faze me at the time, because she had been supportive in other ways.

But Sunday was completely different -- my mom was a tearful zombie, moping around the house, staring at the floor, and saying things like she "feels so guilty" that I hurt for so long, that she "knows about the birth order thing" (I have older brothers), that she is afraid for my future and the bigotry I will face, and that she thinks it best if I don't tell others until I'm more comfortable with myself. I told her that I don't want her to cry every time she looks at me, and that eventually, it would be nice if she could even be excited for me and what the future holds. Things were getting unpleasant, but she asked me to stay, so I did. We went for a walk together, and I said that I really liked the conversation we had had Saturday night (when she was really supportive about me finding a enduring relationship), but that didn't change the mood. She got really tearful and said how there had been so many changes in her life over the past 3 years (her dad died, she got 3 grandchildren but 2 moved far away, etc.) and how it's really hard to cope. The focus shifted completely away from me and toward her need for support (something I half anticipated but hoped wouldn't happen).

I told her I was going back to my place after dinner.

Dinner was even more depressing. My mom was either expressionless or crying, and all her movements were in slow-motion. My dad 'acted normal' but didn't really help. She cried some more about how hard the past 3 years had been, then said she thinks I'm holding something back, not being honest, and not telling her things. I almost lost it, but didn't, and replied, "I really don't know how I could tell you more or possibly be more honest than I have been the past 4 days!" Then she cried some more and said she didn't want me to leave angry. I said I wasn't angry, but that the mood was just too intense for me, and that I think we need time apart so she can process my coming out.

My mom completely fell to bits. My dad took me to the train station, and I vented a little. He defended my mom, saying that I've had months to accept myself, but that the news was brand new for him and my mom. I said, "I get that, I really do. It's just not healthy for me to be there to witness it all." He agreed and said he's work on her.

Today has been really hard. I've not had any contact with my parents, and I'm getting increasingly angry and upset about the complete collapse of my mom's support. She's turned completely inward and forgotten about supporting me. I'm really disappointed and don't know how to regain trust in her. I know it's early days, and I need to give her time, but it's hard to be here on my own feeling like I've broken my mom's heart. I'm really such a good son and I don't request a lot of support. But right now, when I really need love and understanding, my mom has withdrawn into a self-absorbed shell.

I know I just need to give it time. I'm just so upset about it and it's hard to bear. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish my mom was stronger.

 

faceup: My dad didn't say, although his response has been very accepting and I trust that he will be okay with whatever I do. Even on the ride back to the train station, he said regardless of how my mom responds, my main goal in life is always to be true to myself and to find fulfillment and happiness. I believe him. My mom, on the other hand, said, "I always thought you could go either way", so she acknowledged that I wasn't clearly straight or gay growing up.

Weston, as always, I really appreciate your support and level-headed assessment.