30s and still confused

Thanks, zuice, confused 04 and bi2me for your replies. I'm happy to hear there are other outwardly happy but inwardly melancholics out there too.

I haven't posted anything in more than a week, because I've been having a lot of emotional ups and downs. In that time, I've seen 3 cousellors -- one for an 'intake' interview at my university couselling centre, another for short-term support at the university, and a third for more long-term psychotherapy. The intake was very short and unhelpful, but it was the first time I had spoken out loud about questioning my sexuality. It felt weird, but seemed easier that I expected. The second appointment a few days later was a 1 hour session with a different psychologist. I let the beans spill pretty good during that session, acknowledged that I am incredibly lonely (despite having lots of 'friends') and for the first time I managed to say, "I might be gay" out loud. The third session was with an off-campus psychotherapist. I got to repeat my story/problems again, and said, "I know I'm not 100% straing, and I'm open to the idea I might be gay". It feels silly to state the obvious (now), but hey, it's a big step for me. I liked the off-campus psychotherapist -- he seemed to listen well, and didn't try to interpret anything yet (I appreciate not being pigeon-holed right away).

In between the appointments, however has been really difficult. I find I'm completely unable to do any work -- so much so that I've skipped 3 or 4 days of work. I go from feeling happy at making progress, to really quite depressed about my situation. I have started to feel more intensely that I have a problem without a solution -- that whatever path I choose (staying a confused asexual person, searching for the mythical fulfilling hetero relationship, or exploring my attraction to guys) will involve so much emotional pain I won't be able to take it. I'm really quite terrified that the future holds nothing but intense sadness. But the status quo sucks too.

My family (parents) have noticed that I am really off, irritable and depressed, and I have my mum calling me at least once a day now to "check in" on me. I know she's trying to help, but it feels like she's intruding on a private matter I'm not yet ready to share. And the more she calls to ask what's wrong, the more aware I am that I'm not being honest or truthful. I feel a bit bad about that, but I feel I need to be more certain on my feelings before sharing them with people -- especially family.

Thoughts about my sexuality are on my mind from morning till night now. I desperately need to unload these thoughts, so I set up another appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It's a rocky ride, but I hope it settles down to a happier place...eventually.

 

@bi2me Point taken. So far, I like this therapist I'm talking to because he simply lets me talk with little interruption and no judgement.

@CapColors Thanks for your advice. The therapists office feels like a safe place to open up -- something that I lack in 'real life' at the moment.

I've been feeling quite happy and at peace this weekend, and am amazed at the mental change I've gone through in a relatively short time. A month ago, I felt very confused about my sexuality and terrified of opening up about my confusion...but now (this weekend anyway), I feel much closer to accepting that I'm attracted to guys over girls. I'm less guarded in my thoughts, and have started to really enjoy people-watching (guy-watching...lol) a lot more (I hope that doesn't sound creepy!)

Hopefully I can gather the courage to open up to a friend soon. Actually, I almost came out about my preference for guys to my sister-in-law tonight, but I decided against it. I'm sure I will have that desire to disclose again soon, but I want to enjoy this little plateau of peace and happiness before jumping to the next challenge.

@CapColors thanks for calling me 'young'! There is a LGBT meet and greet in a couple weeks at my uni that I'm thinking of attending. When the idea first crossed my mind, I didn't think I'd have the courage to attend, but those feelings are starting to fade as I'm feeling more sure of what I want. Actually, I'm a little excited by the prospect. I'm hoping by the time the event rolls around, I'll be in an even better and more positive frame of mind.

And yes, I'm definitely a 'friends first' kind of guy. When I dated girls before, I was definitely that way too. The emotional bond is important to me.

Anyway, I wish everyone a great weekend, and I want to say thanks to the EC community for being so supportive. After 33 years, I feel like I'm suddenly on the fast-track to knowing myself, and I am so thankful that this site exists for information and truly caring support.

 

@OhTheHighway Many years ago, I know that I threw myself at work in order to distract myself from unhappiness and discomfort with my identity. Unfortunately, I was/am VERY good at working hard with long hours, so eventually, I found myself 'locked' into a lifestyle that allowed little time for relaxation or self-reflection (I'm a fully certified professional now who is also in grad school). Over the past 2 years, I have been on something of a mission to re-balance my life, and finally this summer, I reached a point where I had no major school commitments coming up, and I was able to reduce my non-school-related professional hours by more than 50%. I felt I finally had the necessary 'mental reserve' to confront my sexual identity without going completely insane, becoming non-functional, and risking my future employment.

 

Thanks for your 2 cents, Weston. As is probably clear from my story, I'm very good and thinking and not acting on things I'm mentally uncomfortable with, so I appreciate your alternative point of view and encouragement.

Thinking about it, I realized that the prospect of actually having sex with a guy is pretty terrifying at this point...my imagination is usually more romantic, thinking about an emotional connection, being physically close, comfortable being naked together, maybe mutual masturbation etc. I don't really fantasize about anything more hardcore than that.

To help me imagine being gay, I downloaded and watched a couple episodes of Looking (HBO series), which is about a group of gay male friends living in San Francisco. Anyway, I found it quite uncomfortable to imagine myself in the shoes of they characters on the show -- they all seemed fixated on sex and want to just :***: random guys they meet. I didn't find the sex scenes sexy either -- they guys all seemed lecherous, dirty and scary, and they were really uncomfortable for me to watch.

I think watching the show has really heightened my anxiety about my sexuality, and I've been in a bit of a downward tailspin over the past couple days. My libido has all but vanished, and I feel pretty hopeless and confused again. My emerging clarity is gone. I have a hard time going to work, have been cancelling appointments and engagements, I can't stand being alone, but I don't want to talk to people either. Instead, I'm going on hours-long aimless walks around my city. Last night, I thought about visiting my parents, but just couldn't get myself to do it -- I didn't know what I would want to say. So instead, I ended up walking for 4 or 5 hours until I found myself really far from home and had to take public transit back quite late. People keep telling me I seem "out of it" and "distracted". I'm starting to doubt whether I should attend any LGBT meet up events at my university, because 1) I'm so sad and confused right now, and 2) I don't know what I would be "out" as.

I have an appointment with a talk-therapist tomorrow, so that may help a little. I've also re-filled an antidepressant that I had stopped. I don't want to re-start it, but I want to have it just in case. Although it helps, it causes big sexual side effects in me, and I think I need to hear those 'signals' now more than ever to figure things out.

That turned into a longer post than I had intended. Thanks for listening!

 

The rational side of me knows that not all gay men are into random hookups with strangers...true for some, but largely a stereotype. But I think the lives portrayed in "Looking", which seemed rather drug and sex-focused, caused a little cognitive dissonance for me. On a visceral level, I felt some disgust at the drugs and random group sex, and I was confused by those feelings. After all, how could I think I'm gay and and the same time feel disgusted by a portrayal of gay life. It all seemed a bit grotty to me. That said, there are lots of straight people and lifestyles I'm grossed out by too.

I think I've figured out my reaction to the show, and feel quite a bit better now. Less confused. And I'm still pretty sure I like guys better!

I did watch the movie "Weekend" a week or so ago. It was pretty well made and directed, but I didn't relate to all the casual pot smoking and cocaine use.

The movie I enjoyed much more and related to quite a bit was "Shelter". Although it relied on well-worn cliches, I think I related to it more because it dealt with discovering one's sexual orientation rather than gay life in general.

 

That's a good way to think about some of the friendships and relationships that haven't lasted without feeling regret over time wasted.

I've been trying to do just that. On our first session, he asked whether I felt a need to attached a label myself, and I decided I would rather describe my experience than try to categorize it. So far, I think it's rather helpful, and I look forward to the appointments.

One funny thing I noticed: I was expecting the sessions to be very emotional, difficult, and anxiety provoking, but the experience has been quite the opposite. Once I'm in the room, talking, I feel pretty calm, and somewhere between unemotional and happy. The therapist doesn't actually say much, but instead just listens 95% of the time. It feels good to just offload my minimally-filtered thoughts. I think the setting feels 'safe', and I don't have any fear of rejection there...something I realize I have a big fear of in the 'outside world'.

During the days between the sessions -- that's when the bad feelings and strong emotions well up and get to me. When I feel like there's a major disconnect between the person people see, and the invisible thoughts and feelings just beneath my skin.

Thanks, Weston. I've really been hoping for a little encouragement re: attending the meet-up. I'm pretty positive about the idea, but I'm still nervous about actually walking through the door and being seen by someone I know. I suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world. Maybe the beginning of a new one.

I probably shouldn't build it up so much in my head and just treat it like another normal social event. I'm typically pretty good at breaking the ice with new people. But it's still hard to shake the thought that I'm going to have a neon sign over my head, flashing, "Newbie questioning probably gay guy here!", and that makes me feel embarrassed :icon_redf

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.

 

Short update:

I went to my first LGBT social the other day. I had told myself in the week leading up that I had no choice but to go -- that I wasn't allowed to chicken out at the last minute.

It was a nice day, so I walked to the event. I forced myself to stay calm on the way, but once I got to the door I felt a huge rush of fear. I didn't stop, and I went inside, but then I saw a sign pointing upstairs to the LGBT event, and that's when I faltered. I turned and intentionally entered the wrong room, pretending to be lost. Knowing I couldn't keep that up, I quickly made my way to the bathroom. I locked myself in a stall for a minute to gather my courage and focus. Then I left the stall, washed my hands, checked myself in the mirror, then walked right on up and into the event. On the walk up, I felt as if I was a passenger in someone else's body -- I think that's the only way I could manage my fear. But once I got into the room, and saw so many people -- normal looking people -- talking and laughing and taking little notice of me, the clouds of fear dissipated. I said hi, got a drink, found a table to join, and sat down. Beyond the awkwardness of first introductions, it was actually really nice and low-key. No one really talked about being gay or their excruciating coming-out stories -- it felt relaxed and social, with a tacit understanding of acceptance an non-judgement.

Anyway, it was such fun that I ended up staying out for about 6 hours, and met many new people. Nobody asked me to define myself or challenged why I was there, and after a while, I managed to forget about the 'risk' of being seen. Honestly, there was nothing bad about any of the people there, and overall, the people were so much nicer and more approachable than at typical university events.

I could have done a better job of exchanging contact info with potential friends, but I figure simply attending the social (in the face of my anxiety) was such a massive accomplishment that it's okay I didn't manage to fill my Rolodex.

I woke up a little hungover the next day, but I don't regret going at all. I'm still pretty terrified, particularly of the next steps, but I'm proud that I've finally mustered the courage to confront my sexuality in real life.

I'm still not 100% sure how to define my sexuality (probably mostly or completely gay), and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next about it. I'm hoping that will come to me. But in the meantime, I wanted to share my latest experience.

 

Thanks so much for reading my posts, the replies, and adding your insights and experiences, AshleyDi. It's a funny coincidence that you mention writing down earlier memories to piece together my sexuality, because I've recently found myself recalling almost-lost memories and interpreting then from the perspective of being gay. A few days ago, I started a thread called "Old memories in a new light", and in it I recall seeing a movie when I was 18 starring Chris O'Donnell. I remember being quite obsessed with him afterwards, and attributed my fascination with jealousy and idolization at the time, but looking back, it may very well have been desire and attraction.

Your story is a very interesting one, AshleyDi, because it shows that some people (me included), despite trying their best, take a long time to discover themselves. There's no rush, and we should be happy that we found the understanding that we have -- at least that's what the intellectual side of my tells myself.

---------- Post added 30th Sep 2015 at 02:39 AM ----------

Quick update:

I managed to COME OUT to a friend for the first time tonight. After hours of talking with her about dating difficulties and loneliness, I finally said, "I think I'm just not that into girls." This opened up the conversation, and I was able to tell her that I'm more attracted to guys than girls, and that I don't want to date girls anymore.

It was really difficult to spit the words out, and I couldn't bring myself to say, "I'm gay", because it feels just too damn soon, but I was able to open up about my attractions to men and current struggles with my identity. My friend took it in stride, seemed a little surprised at first, asked a bunch of questions about how long I've felt this way, then gave me a big hug and told me I'm being really brave. We talked about my experiences (or lack of...LOL) so far, and she even offered to be my wing-woman if I even wanted to try going to a gay bar (the suggestion made me cringe, but also melted my heart that she would do that for me)! I asked her how she thought our other friends would react to me being gay, and she thinks it won't change a thing with any of them.

I really had no prior plan to spilling the beans tonight, but keeping it to myself was driving me crazy. I'm not totally sure how I feel about it -- sharing hasn't solved anything for me -- but I know I smiled quite a bit on the walk home. I also feel better that someone in the *real* world now knows....so I can call her to talk about when things go great or things go bad along this journey.

I'd better get to sleep. Thanks for reading and for everyone's support.