30 and just discovering about being transgender

Oh god I’m just like you…

I got hit with that bullet about 6 weeks ago after starting a relationship with my new girl friend. I’ve never had any signs of wanting to be a girl when I was younger, never had any dreams about being a woman, never crossed dressed (even attempted to after this crossed my mind and I simply don’t want to), have tons of boy and girl friends I hang with, like who I am, have been comfortable with who I am, haven’t been envious of women, never pretended to be female, or any other typical stuff with this.

I got it in my head after seeing a trans woman and I questioned if I was attracted to her and then just got socked by this obsessive thoughts. Now I have troubles saying I’m male, hearing female pronouns all the time, can’t stop seeing women, constantly checking if my penis has retracted, and can’t stop looking in the mirror just to see me (I keep seeing a lesbian with my new haircut and hate it).

I hate this…I’ve always had a little discomfort being around guys as I always wanted to be manly like them but I never could be. I was always a little different but certainly not to this extent.

the worst part is the disconnect from my penis…I loved it up until about 7 days ago when I was able to use it and no problem peeing or getting off now it feels sore and like and an attachment and I can no longer bump anything without feeling in pain.

It got a little easier as I didn’t get my obsessive when I called myself a gay man (yet I love women as well) so It made today easier but I still keep testing myself daily…

 

Welcome to EC.

So you know, I am a woman who was assigned male at birth.

A persons orientation and their gender are two different things. You can be trans AND gay.

Favorite color and hairstyle do not determine your gender. Both men and women (cis and trans of both) can like or dislike pink and anyone can prefer short hair.

It would also be fine to be a trans guy and like feminine things. I have pursuits that are considered both feminine (sewing, cooking, crochet, etc) and masculine (I like to fix things and am a better mechanic than my cis male husband).

This in and of itself is not enough to say that you are a trans guy, I know cis women who do not want to give birth or have children at all.

Coming from the direction of being assigned male crossdressing would have to be done only in private or done on stage to be acceptable in a conservative place. For me crossdressing was not enough, I had to live as a woman even when it did put me in danger (I have since moved someplace where it is safer to be my true self). For someone assigned female wearing masculine clothing is more acceptable (though I do not know for certain about Estonia). If wearing more masculine clothes would make you feel better and would not put you in danger I think that going ahead and doing so would be a good experiment to see if it helps how you feel.

 

I hate this…
I’ve always avoided feminine things and I don’t want to start now with a 3rd of my life gone. I don’t hate my body nor have I hated what I’ve seen in the mirror all the time only recently. I’ve looked back at old photos of me I used to think I was ugly but I’m actually a good looking guy I feel and I think I just needed more confidence.

But still the idea of giving up my genitals gets me sick. I can’t get it up to save my life anymore and barely feel it. I keep talking to my gf but I have to break it off with her as I can’t drag her down with me. I also live at home with my folks and it’s so hard to function with them now. The air feels heavy and my chest feels tight all the time.

This just can’t be right. I refuse to belive this is going to control my life but idk how to handle it. I’m doing my best to avoid friends and family now as I simply can’t look them in the eyes.

I have yet to cry but every damn day I want to break down. I also can’t say I have a desire for breasts, hormones, or trying non women’s clothing but idk if my mind will eventually break me down…

 

I mean I can get it up but it’s tons of work and doesn’t feel as good as it did a few weeks ago. Again there is a disconnect from my penis after this all started which has made it difficult thanks to this current state of mind so it’s obvious it’s erectile dysfunction but because of my mental state.

I’m considering coming out to my parents. I feel like they will accept me but there will be some issues we will have to deal with such as work as were all connected there but I don’t know if I can stay here.

worst part is still thinking how to break it off with the gf. I keep stringing her along and I know I’m going to break her heart but I know I can’t drag her down to…

this sucks…

 

I’m not totally sure I’m the opposite gender nor do I think I’m 2 different genders. I think I’m a guy still but definitely have dysmorphia as I feel I’m envious of certain women which never used to exist for me. I still have no desire to wear women’s clothing and it’s not like I hate my own clothing or my own body but I’m just uncomfortable right now.

I’m thinking about talking to my parents and preparing them for what may happen and then use the next year to do some stuff I’ve always wanted to do that would be difficult should I decide to transition.

And no I can’t bring her with. I love her but I’m not going to take her down only to find I've gotten worse in a matter of years and find she is stuck with me and embarrassed or worse and we have a kid and we’re forced to stay together. We’re only a few months into our relationship so it’ll sting but we will survive and she will be much better off for it.

 

I would say it sounds like envy but I’m with you, I have no troubles seeing myself as a man and it’s even easier to say now but hesitation and second guessing has become my nature. I just hope it doesn’t eat me alive.

but also the best of luck to you. I feel you have a better head on your shoulders than I and I wish I had your calmness. We have interesting lives ahead of us

 

I have had similar issues with wishing that things had been different in my life. It is one of the things that I am working on in therapy because any energy spent on such things is wasted energy.

I have known all of my life that I was female. My struggle was been more about trying to get the courage to live as my true self despite knowing that everyone will oppose it.

 

Rayland, this is my first time writing anything here. I've just been lurking, trying to see if there are other people like me somewhere. Don't feel bad about just thinking about this now at 30. I'm 42 and suddenly a little "joke" about being a gay man in a woman's body turned real. I'm still figuring things out, not sure if I'm transman or nonbinary...or just having some weird midlife crisis! So, I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one.

 

@Rayland, do you feel as though you have to remain in Estonia? As an EU citizen you could explore the possibility of moving to another member state or part of the EEA, where it may be easier to lean into a masculine identity and think about transitioning and exploring your sexuality (which absolutely can be defined as gay). Obviously, this will depend on your personal circumstances and commitments, but the door isn't necessarily closed to you.

Maybe to begin with you should try to lean into a more masculine identity, in subtle ways, e.g. male clothing/underwear/footwear and styling and using men's shower gels and deodorants. All of these things are reversible if it doesn't feel right, but if you actually feel more confident and assured as a result it could begin to answer a number of questions.

Small steps to begin with, but it could be informative for you.