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3 Year relationship with a man, but I think I might be a lesbian

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by gubblebum, Jun 29, 2020.

  1. gubblebum

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    Disclosure, I identify as bi/pan but I'm questioning if I am a lesbian in deep denial or not. I do love the guy I'm with but over time I have realized more and more that I am not actually attracted to men but more so the idea of them. He has known that I'm bi since the beginning. I have no experience with wlw relationships and maybe I'm just confused and I just like the idea of women too. The last thing I want to do is to hurt my best friend and potentially make him hate me and think I've just been stringing him along.

    Does anyone else have experience with this?

    Did you break up with your partner or did you stay with them?

    Did you feel like you made the right choice afterward?
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC.

    You’re not the first person to end up in this situation. Try to be kind to yourself - you didn’t ask for this to happen. I was in a similar situation, but I originally identified as straight, and I did leave my partner/boyfriend and it was the right choice. I should have done it much earlier, but we all process things at our own pace.

    I would suggest that you take some time to think about what you really want and what you want your future to look like. Thinking of different scenarios (e.g. say you’re always in relationships with men) and how that feels, might give you some perspective. Write it down if you need to. Thinking like this helped me - the idea of being with men felt really dull and bleak.

    When you’re ready, talk with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. Remember, the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. Better to break up after three years, than after ten years or more. Also, keep in mind that you won’t necessarily be saving him from hurt and pain by staying together. If you stayed, it’s likely that resentment would grow, you would both be unfilled and unhappy, and it might be better for both of you to have the opportunity to find people that you are truly compatible with.

    Keep posting and take care. If you have any more questions, just ask.
     
  3. SophiaK

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    Just let him know, and see where you want to take things by yourself, or where both of you want to take things together. Maybe he'll be okay with it, and both of you stay as close friends, or maybe he's okay with an open relationship... who knows what will happen?
     
  4. gubblebum

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    Hi, thank you for replying. I was nervous to say anything anywhere to anyone about this. A lot of the times when I talk to people, they point out that I have a good relationship and why be picky. And I agree with them, it's a wonderful relationship. But most of my friends also know already that they are straight or gay and are secure in their sexuality. I feel like I have not known what I wanted my whole life. Maybe by staying with my boyfriend I am denying who I really am (I don't know if this is true but sometimes it really feels like it) But maybe I will also be losing someone irreplaceable to me if I make the decision to tell him. I feel like I led him on for all this time but that was not my intention at all, like I said I 100% thought I was bi in the beginning. But like you mentioned when speaking about your story, I have recently been thinking about spending my life with a man and it doesn't ever feel right to me. When I think about how it could be with a woman it feels right. But maybe I am idealizing what life could be with a woman because I've never been with one.

    Anyways, thank you again for replying because I was afraid no one would. I appreciate how understanding you are, it's great to hear the perspective of someone who was in a similar situation. Thank you for not telling me I'm a bad person or I should just get over it because that's how I feel right now. My friends are kind of dismissive so it was good to be heard by someone who understands. Thank you.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    It’s really hard, but if possible, try to separate your relationship from your sexuality. Take your relationship out if the picture, would that make things clearer?

    And relationships can appear great from the outside, but your friends aren’t the ones in the relationship. You are and you’re the only one who can really know how you feel.

    This was one of my doubts too. In what ways do you think you might be idealising it? What do you imagine might be better?

    I think there’s enough here that’s it’s definitely worth keeping going with the questioning. If you are gay, then getting over it won’t happen anyway.

    I think it’s hard situation to understand if you haven’t been in it yourself.

    Take care. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Stephanie8

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    I feel the same way. I always assumed I was bi. Now I am 99% sure I am a lesbian. But I am married with 3 kids. I have no idea how to handle it. I love him so much and I don't want to break up our family.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Stephanie8,

    Take a deep breath and have a good think about what you want your future to look like. It might even help write it down in the form of a mindmap. There’s no rush and there’s no one right way to handle this. From the time I joined EC, it took me just over three years to leave my (now ex) partner. Mostly because I was terrified of the unknown. It’s a really difficult situation, so be kind to yourself.
     
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