It was like a switch went off. I think I finally realized it's okay to look at men -- perhaps fully and finally overcoming homophobia -- and since then, I haven't been able to stop. No kids, just a couple small dogs. Wife is same age. She's a supporter of gay rights, but I'm really frightened of what will happen to us if -- no, when -- I come out to her. She's my best friend, and I just want to be honest with her. I think my ideal outcome would be an amicable divorce, still seeing her as a friend on a regular basis. But when I think of how she will react, I don't really imagine that she would go for that kind of arrangement. I am worried that she will try to clean me out in a divorce but I don't know if I'm being irrational because I just don't know how she will react to the news. I guess I don't have any specific question yet, I'm just hoping to start a conversation. Please be patient as may take a day or two to respond.
Hello and welcome. Many men find thselves in your position. You are not alone and have many brothers here.
Hi Thank goodness you have discovered and owned your own identity as a gay man. It has taken some time for what ever reason, but that does not matter. What is important is how you move forward from here. It is important to try and not hurt your wife, but you owe it to her to at last come clean and tell her who you really are. This is not easy and there is no simple one way of doing it. Yes it may end in a messy divorce but I guess the freedom to be who you really are is worth much more than money and property. I wish you luck and courage.
Hi gaggarnoop Welcome to EC. I have been a member for the last few months and have come across over 40 gay guys so far who are either married or have been. I have found their guidance, advice, and different points of view helpful to me as I struggle to come to terms after discovering I am gay in my mid 40s and accepting it in my early 50s after 25 years of marriage. I look forward to your points of view adding to the mix. Sale Gay Guy P.S. I have added a list of the 40 guys mentioned above to your wall as it's first entry. If you have not seen your "Wall" before you can get there by clicking on your username at the top right of the screen next to the word welcome.
Lots of us have been married, accepting being yourself as gay is great for the soul. Now you need even more courage and bravery to live out and create the life you were meant to have. Isn't California a community property state? She can't clean you out, it's all 50/50. Suggest seeing a lawyer, they tend to offer free or low cost first visits. I've been going to coming out groups at the local lgbt center. Very welcome to all. You'll find yourself in good company. My 1 group has men from 19 to 60! Don't spend too much time guessing what your wife will do. It is what it is - the sooner you tell her the truth and ask for a divorce, the sooner you can get on with your life. And yes, it's damn fine to enjoy looking at other men. And I promise you, you'll enjoy the emotional, physical, and sexual pleasure of men!
Hi there and welcome to EC. I'm glad you've found us here. Figuring this out at 28 isnt' bad. I was in my mid 30s when I finally clued in, and others as they have said have taken longer. I certainly hope you and your wife can remain friends. Have you considered counselling? Working with a professional can help you prepare for that discsusion and ensure that you tell her in the best way possible. Going to counselling together can also help - not to save the marriage but to save your friendship and relationship. Being able to communicate effectively in times of crisis when emotions are running high is not easy - and a counsellor can help with that. Good luck!
Welcome, and glad to hear your discovery has spurred you into action. Many of us waited longer and it only causes more problems down the road. You've come to the right place!
Welcome to EC. I've just finally admitted to myself that I'm gay after 34 years of living (well, 33 actually since it happened last year), but oh well. No wife, no kids, no dogs thankfully. I have never been in a relationship, straight or gay - mostly because I always knew that I was gay in my heart, and therefore didn't want to hurt anyone that I might have had a straight relationship with, and couldn't really have a gay relationship since I wasn't out, and would be hurting any potential partner by having to hide our relationship. All in all, a lose/lose proposition, so best just to refrain from anything, right? Except for that kills you. Now I'm 34, single, and severely damaged from not having anyone else in my life. Psychotherapy two times a week is helping, but I think it's going to take me a long time to be intimate with someone. Just my perspective on the matter.
Don't pay too much attention to Pete, he just got laid! :eusa_clap (!) Sorry for that, Welcome to EC for sure from all the marrieds. Some call us late-bloomers but since you're in your 20s yet, that seems a bit premature. It takes some of us a long time to even start admitting that we're gay. Congrats on facing your inner fears and saying hi. Not all coming-out stories end in acrimonious divorce. Mine is one I'll be happy to tell you about at another time. In any case, the fear of what-if really can debilitate your ability to take action. Caution is always good, but fear of a possible future can sicken us mentally, emotionally and physically. In any case, EC moderators and those of us in the peanut gallery (I'm picturing those two old dudes in the balcony from the Muppets ... think they were a couple?) welcome you and will be glad to provide any support we can.
Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets! It sounds like you haven't cheated on your wife, and you didn't deceive her intentionally--you didn't know you were gay when you married her. So, I think it will most likely be possible for you to have an amicable separation. When you do decide to tell her, I would recommend writing out a letter--even if you are going to read it to her in person. That way, you can tell her everything that you need to, making it clear that you care deeply about her and never meant to hurt her, and explaining how it is that you have arrived at this point. Since she is a supporter of gay rights, I'm sure she will come to understand that you are both the victims of a homophobic and heteronormative society. You both had the best of intentions going into this marriage, but it was just never going to work out.
Yes, that's an important detail that I accidentally left out. I've been faithful to her throughout our entire relationship and I intend to continue doing so. When we were first married I definitely identified as completely heterosexual. Thank you for the suggestion to write a letter. That sounds like it will be an effective way to explain everything without forgetting anything I wanted to say.
That's really good. Some people feel so horrible about themselves just for being gay in the first place that they become completely demoralized, and they feel like it doesn't matter what they do, because they are horrible people anyway. And then they go out and have sex with totally random strangers, and do other self-destructive things. But it's a horrible mistake--at this point, you have not really done anything wrong. But if you were to cheat on your wife, that would truly be a betrayal, and it would make things much worse. You can resolve your relationship with your wife in a way that maintains your integrity, and then you can go on and have healthy, genuine relationships with men. And you deserve that--you are worthy of real, loving relationships that are truly fulfilling to you.
Please take the first step and talk to your wife. I knew I was gay from the age of six and came out of the closet when I was a late teen. In my early twenties I was severally beaten and went back in the closet. That led me to marrying two women and having an awesome daughter. I divorced my second wife and hid being gay from her for several years. When I did come out for the second time it was like getting divorced again and she actually hated me for awhile, but ended up admitting that she had always suspected. We are now friends again, but she wishes that I had told her sooner or not had gotten married to begin with. Be fair to yourself and your wife and get it out in the open. If she loves you she will want to help you after the pain subsides. Welcome aboard and, always available to answer questions or chat. Mike
Oregontinker, having gone through a similar situation, you wouldn't recommend a counselor for the first talk? Also, would you be willing to make a new top post somewhere about your relationship with your ex? You said you're friends again, and I'm really curious to hear more about that. Thanks!
For me I would not want anyone else involved in that first conversation, but that could just be my way of dealing with the situation. I feel like when you have been in a relationship with a person for years you have a pretty good idea of how they are going to react, and mine was what I expected, which was a feeling that I could not have loved her if I was gay, but my sexual orientation has no impact on my ability to love someone, but it does impact my ability to have a fulfilling sex life with that person. While my ex will always be one of my best friends, I am trying to find that perfect combination of a friend and lover who just so happens to be the same sex as me. I will be happy to start a Top Post on my relationship with my ex in the near future.
