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2016 in my version of events...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Invidia, Jan 1, 2016.

  1. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Hi. I'm just really in need to rant right now. Somehow these thoughts feel kind of shameful but... I want to be honest. If someone reads this I'll be very happy...

    Sigh. Questioning sexuality was hard - but at least for me, compared to questioning gender, it was nothing. And I'm still questioning gender. I try to be confident in presenting as female here on the forums and (partially) in real life. But sometimes it's hard.
    Now. I know I'm definitely not a cis guy. Pff. Definitely. But I'm not sure whether I'm really a trans girl or whether I might really be non-binary. Here's how I'm thinking.

    "Arguments" for that I'm a girl in the wrong body
    So, I do have dysphoria - sometimes (nowadays most of the time), it's pretty mild. Other times it's been pretty bad. My first memories of experiencing dysphoria are from my childhood. When I was a teen and hormones started raging, masturbation was, at first, okay - then, once I was like 15 or something, I started feeling uncomfortable with it. By the time I was about 16, it made me feel so uncomfortable that I wanted to stop doing it forever, fell into depressions and even had suicidal thoughts.
    This whole questioning is centered around whether or not to transition - and right now I'm really not sure. For me right now I'm thinking that maybe I would like to have a female body, and I've always thought about what it would be like to have a vagina, etc... But I guess I'm not sure if it's worth it? I don't know...
    I always disliked my first name.

    Maybe the most important question for me when it comes to questioning my gender is: How much of my anxiety is because of dysphoria? I've had childhood trauma and stuff that's made me, how to say... susceptible to outer influence in the sense that I have unusually high levels of anxiety - it seems I have clinical anxiety. Sometimes I feel that maybe I'm just betting all my money on one horse... what if it's the wrong horse? What if transitioning won't help me all that much, or like... not as much as I thought? What then?
    And as you might gather from the above... maybe the most central problem when it comes to gender questioning for me, is that I am such a skeptic. I question, re-question, reevaluate everything over and over and over and over. I just can't stop my thoughts from racing and I have a hard time finding peace of mind. A lot of trans people describe feeling like "Eureka!" and that's that. They never question for a second again. Well, I'm just not like that. I wish I were sometimes, but... I'm not. Okay, moving on.

    Arguments for that I might be non-binary
    Sometimes I am not at all sure whether I'm really, deep, deep down, a girl - or whether the whole girl-boy game just isn't my scene. I'm a feminine person, certainly. But I also have a lot of masculine characteristics. For example, I tend to not share my emotions a lot but, like, joke around instead, and not show emotion on my face and so on, and I can be extremely pragmatic and logical in that sense, even though I'm really cuddly deep down and really sensitive. Sigh... Now I'm starting to fall into the trap of talking about gender roles, though... I hate gender roles. Sometimes I feel like maybe... If I could just be gender non-conforming and ID as GQ or transfeminine or fluid or whatever, and if I could learn to accept the body I was given... maybe that would be enough to alleviate my dysphoria to a manageable level. I don't necessarily believe that transitioning is the answer for everyone.
    With singing, for example, I'm (at least somewhat) capable of singing both in female and male ranges (when I sing in female ranges I mostly sing in a falsetto). I tend to prefer singing in the male ranges, though. I guess because it feels easier and sounds better (as a result, I guess).
    I've always loved the idea of being an androgynous being, and my fashion style will always include a prominent androgynous element no matter how I choose to live my life.
    A lot of trans women say they feel like they don't understand guys. And sometimes, I'm like that as well. I'm like "boy, what you thinking?" But a lot of the time I get along well with guys, even though I get along better with girls.
    All in all... I'm just not sure how much gender really matters to me - obviously a lot - but I'm not sure whether I might have blown this somewhat out of proportion. I mean, I've been quite fine a lot of the time without thinking about gender. There are definitely many things in life I care more about than gender.

    I don't know how much I dislike male pronouns. They're not the best, I guess, but sometimes I don't care, either. I like female pronouns, even though I'm not fully used to them yet. Neutral pronouns work well too.

    A part of me just wants to suppress all doubtful thoughts and just go ahead with this. But another part feels like going all the way like that is likely not worth it. My current out status on this is that, partly as experiment, partly out of haste/desperation, I am out to quite a few people. I've chosen a new name and they (although they may fail at times) use female pronouns and stuff. I've stood on stages in my skirt and presented my self as Rebecca, bowing gracefully to the audience. I've had some fun experimenting, although it's made me nervous as well.
    I intend to continue defying gender norms and living as I wish no matter if I transition (physically) or not. But well, I have yet to find an answer to "To transition or not to transition, that is the question"...
    I'll be going to a gender 'clinic' kind of quite soon. I'll be able to get help there. But any and all input from you guys here would be greatly appreciated.
    Thanks a lot if you've read all of this and I hope you're having a great day.
    <3
     
    #1 Invidia, Jan 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2016
  2. FootballFan101

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    Look up the genders demi-girl and non-binary trans-girl you may be one of those two
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Thanks for the tip.
    <3
     
  4. FootballFan101

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    No bother
     
  5. Elianora

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    First off, do you need to identify with a gender? For some people it really is yes. It helps them understand the strange feelings they have and discuss it with others. But not everyone. Can you not just identify as you? and that is not a rhetorical question. But that doesn't touch on whether or not to transition. You can ID as something other than just female and want a female body. I'd say talk with a professional before deciding to do any medical treatment of course.
    People change all the time. What you want now won't likely be exactly what you want later so be cautious with irreversible changes. But also, the you now is important.

    You sound a lot like me (The feeling of gender being important but not pressing or particularly strong, no Eureka! Moment, cuddly on the inside etc.) so I hope I can help a little but I wish you the best of luck :slight_smile:.
     
  6. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Thanks a lot, I appreciate your thoughts. :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  7. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Anyone else? This stupid questioning makes me anxious...
     
  8. paris

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    You may ask yourself if you want to be seen as a sister/brother, aunt/uncle, wife/husband, mother/father, madam/sir, etc. Can you imagine yourself as an old man or an old woman? I have this thing when I cringe when I imagine myself to die and be buried as a woman, it makes me really uncomfortable.
     
  9. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    I kind of cringe at the thought of getting old at all, I'd really rather not think about it, lol. But well, when it comes to those other parts... I'm not sure. When I think just about me, myself, and I, I tend to think in terms of a female me. If I had a choice to start over from conception and choose my sex, I would choose female.

    Also, I think I overthink this stuff a lot... I mean, what's most important when it comes to this stuff is your feelings... I should listen to my feelings more...
    Basically I have two "modes". One mode is wanting to live as a woman and the other is just being indifferent. And I switch in between the two. Right now it's the latter. It's just ugh, so annoying...
    When I think about my own happiness only, I feel like I want to transition. But then I become full of doubts and fear that I've misunderstood myself completely and yeah...
     
  10. Posthuman666

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    I can relate to this post.....I know I want to transition, and live life as a woman, but I know that my gender is outside of the binary as well.
     
  11. Riz

    Riz
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    If your modes are between being one gender and being indifferent (which I can relate too), I would say that none of those are your gender given are birth right? So say you transition, and some days you will feel like "Why would all this matter so much?", because for the days when it does and you feel terrible, and transition would hopefully help with those days.

    I think having an eureka moment is really rare. While it certainly helps your anxiety by transitioning and living as your proper gender, it doesn't magicially fix all bad things there might be in your life. The thing is to understand that it's ok.

    I'm not sure if any of these make sense, I'm kinda in a weird mood right now so I'm not entirely sure what I'm even saying/thinking. But I recognize your way of thinking.
    It's easy to think so hard about something that you end up not knowing anything. So even if it's hard, try and think less, and just be. Try thinks that feels right, not that you think is right
     
  12. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Thanks, Riz. <3