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2/22 is THE Day

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Razorbacks, Feb 14, 2019.

  1. Razorbacks

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    After much thought and deliberation, and after my weekly therapy appointment this week, I’ve decided that I’m going to have the conversation with my wife on the evening of Friday, 2/22-one week from tomorrow. I plan to tell her this news (that I’m gay) in person, but I also have a letter written that I will give her in case I’m not able to effectively verbalize my thoughts (i.e. if I’m a blubbering mess). I read the letter aloud to my therapist this week, and she said I shouldn’t change a single thing. As I go into the final week before breaking the news that I’m gay, are there any recommendations that anyone has for me?
     
  2. Nickw

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    Your wife is going to have a LOT of questions for you. I was advised, by several posters here, to try and anticipate what those questions will be and have answers for them.

    A few that are bound to come up.

    How long have you known?
    Did you ever really love me and desire me?
    Have you been with a man?
    Did you cheat on me?
    What do you want now? Stay married? Divorce?
    Do you want intimacy with a man?
    Has our marriage been a lie?

    Be prepared for any and all reactions. I was ready for anything except how my wife reacted...laughter! So, you can never know for sure.

    Good luck! I know how difficult this is for you. It was the hardest thing I ever did.
     
  3. Spaceman

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    Congratulations on taking this step! Just be prepared for anything. The day after I told my wife, she asked me to leave the house. I lived in a motel for 2 weeks before renting an apartment. Hopefully your wife will be more compassionate.
     
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  4. Dionysios

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    Congratulations on taking tjis bold step my friend! Nickw's questions are point on. Be prepared with answers. Hope all goes well! Stay positive and be prepared for tears. It will get better. *smile*
     
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  5. Contented

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    Good luck , no matter what happens you are doing the right thing for both of you. Without a doubt and understandable she will be upset and full of questions. I urge you to answer honestly. It is only way you can begin down the road of being authentic as a gay man. I wish you both the best.
     
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  6. Razorbacks

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    Thank you all for your kindness and suggestions. I am prepared for lots of questions, and I am prepared to answer honesty. I also have a place to stay with a friend, in case it comes to that.

    It’s so strange how I am finally at peace mentally and in my heart with revealing something I would’ve rather died than admit previously.

    I’ve finally dealt with the trauma I suffered growing up in a fundemental, evangelical household, and I’m still dealing with sexual abuse I suffered as a young boy at the hands of a trusted adult in that church. Those memories only recently came flooding back, as I started accepting myself. All of this trauma led to shame. I’ve broken through so many barriers emotionally, that I feel I am ready for this. Again, thank you all.
     
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  7. Rade

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    Wishing it goes well for you. Alot of us have been in your position including me. I've been in my apartment three months and came out to my then wife in February 2018. So it's my anniversary month.
    Do you have children? If you do please try and be involved with them?

    Sending you hugs of encouragement xx
    Jon
     
    #7 Rade, Feb 14, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2019
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  8. Razorbacks

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    Thank you! Yes, I do have a child, and he is my top priority. I see a lot of myself in him, and he’s a driving force behind me wanting to live authentically. I can’t encourage him to live his truth when I’m not living my own. I intend to remain very involved in his upbringing.
     
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  9. Rade

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    I'm really pleased to hear that....
    Mine are 13 and younger but I make a point of being involved in their lives. Mum has an idiot as a BF, who lives in my old house! He will never be their dad. I ensure my kids know who their dad is!
    Keeping everything crossed for you.
     
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  10. bluehorizon

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    Congrats! I grew up in a fundie family, so I know whereof you speak.

    Be sure to keep a long view through this. It will all seem so intense, but time does pass, life does go on. (I came out to my wife and then my family 42 years ago and have never doubted that it was the right thing to do.)
     
  11. quebec

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    Razorbacks.....I agree completely with @Nickw. I've suggested to others a number of times to try and anticipate questions and prepare answers. This is something that you have dealt with for years, but your wife will be hit cold with it. She'll be confused, upset, perhaps angry and she will have a lot of questions. Having those answers ready will help you ease her fear at the shock and the sudden feeling of not knowing what the future holds. Please keep us updated on how this goes. You are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. globalgal

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    Congrats. Truly. Being "seen" and being willing to be "seen" takes so much courage.

    Your letter may be already focused on this - if so - please take the following with a grain of salt!
    I would suggest focusing on her (not you) and looking at every line that begins with "I" and considering if there is a way to frame it from her perspective. I suspect that you've probably been focusing on HER for the entire marriage at the expense of yourself - a situation most of us have found ourselves in. But maybe now is the time to conjure up the most empathy and think of this as less about you coming out and more about her losing her husband.

    Perhaps come up with a line that you can repeat to her over and over again. "This is not your fault," may be a good one. Repeat more than you think is necessary. Maybe write it on a sheet of paper. I've seen a version of this work with people who've witnessed trauma - and even though they don't seem to take it in at the time - they later report that they remembered it. Good luck! You'll both be fine though. Really!
     
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  13. Dionysios

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    The suggestion about having a line to repeat is a good one. I used the phrase,"You're not the problem. I am the problem." several times when I came out to my wife. She somehow wondered what she had done and I tried to drive home the point that she did nothing wrong.
     
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  14. quietman702

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    Big hugs! Sending light and love your way and prayers that all will go well.
     
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  15. 1cgd

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    Good luck my friend.

    I’ll be updating my story soon but having just done the same after the new year, I can relate. Be assured I’m there with you, holding your hand virtually as you take your big step.

    She will ask how long you’ve known,if there’s someone else, did you ever/do you still love her, what’s she supposed to do now, what are you going to do now, how do we tell family/kids, should we tell family/kids, when do we do that, can you stay with her, ugh - be ready for a ton of questions and to answer the same ones over and over.

    The road will be bumpy and lonely at times but if you’re like me, you’ll feel like you’re traveling it minus the weight of secrets and baggage and shame over who you are. That lightening you feel is also the light you’ll see ahead, at the end of the long dark tunnel of you’ve been hiding in.

    Congrats on your decision and keep us posted!
     
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  16. LaneyM

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    Congrats and best of luck to you. It will be hard but also a huge relief. Keep us updated!
     
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  17. Razorbacks

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    Thanks everyone. This is the week! I have a big presentation at work on Thursday, and then Friday is the day I’m planning to tell my wife, so this week is going to have my anxiety levels running high for two different reasons. Luckily I will see my therapist on Wednesday so that will be helpful. I’m ready and am at peace with it.
     
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  18. daytonav8r

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    Razorbacks-
    Just want you to know that I've been thinking about you on this day, and that I hope everything goes as well as it can with the conversation you're preparing to have.
    Props to you for taking this leap and transitioning to a place where you're living your truth boldly and authentically. I hope you truly feel a weight removed from you once this is done.
     
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  19. Razorbacks

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    @daytonav8r thanks for your note. I appreciate you keeping me in your thoughts today. I just had a therapy session to discuss it and role play it with my therapist. That was hard but helpful. My thought is to do this tonight once we get our son in bed. I have my letter ready, in case I can’t find my words. Any positive vibes, prayers, tonight would be much appreciated! I will update on here as soon as I can.
     
  20. Jakebusman

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    Howd it go?
     
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