Hello! I’m terribly sorry but I am not perfect in english, it’s not my native language. My story is long so please bear with me. I’m 37 years old, living as a man. I live with my fiancé, but we aren’t married yet. I really love her and she loves me too. I have crossdressing tendencies or compulsions all my life. I wore my mother’s and older sister’s clothes in secret when nobody at home and I have never been caught. I love everything feminine, I am a lifetime feminist. I am pretty sure that I’m not gay, I never looked to a manly guy sexually or never getting excited about anything manly. I don’t care about sports, cars, I don’t drink alcohol and don’t go out with the guys (I have not even any ‘classical’ guy friends). But I love the act of crossdressing. I did get excited when I saw a male getting a makeover and became a woman if they are looking as feminine as possible. And I am getting excited when I am dressing as a woman too. I watch and read every crossdressing, drag queen, female impersonation or male to female content I can get. My lovely fiancé knows about my crossdressing habits. She doesn’t…happy about it, she never saw me in panties or in a dress, because I cannot go further than a few occasional dressing up. I don’t want to go the extra steps because if she saw me as ‘Christa’ (my chosen female name) than maybe she cannot like it and the damage will be done and I’d hate that. But she knows when I order some new threads online, I show them my new lingerie or miniskirt but I never showed them ‘on me’. For a while this was it. And for some reason recently I am depressed, and started thinking about that I might be happier as a woman. If the occasional dressing up became…a norm. And I kind of afraid of this. The reason this became a hotter topic than before is because I have a female friend (it might be unusual but she is my fiancé’s younger sister, 29 years old), who I knew that she is an open minded, progressive woman and I told her my crossdressing…thing. She received the news extremely well. We were good friends before but became even better…girlfriends since then. We talking about clothes, I often write her my dream outfit of the day (while I sitting in an office in my dull guy clothes) and how posh and classy I might be that day. And she saw me a few times as Christa. She hugged me and longed to see me more, encouraged me to do it more often. I only dressed up inside and she is extremely appreciative with my shyness, never have any bad words about me being not so professional with my amateurish makeup skills or my cheap clothes either. I am not brave enough with my feelings. I don’t have any negative feedback from these two beautiful human beings - they are supportive and they cool about it. But I cannot push them even further if I am don’t even know what my feelings are. I am confused and sad and depressed for months now. I think I have gender dysphoria. I have a longing for a smooth front in my genital area. I don’t like my penis at all, I love wearing panties and I want to wear leggings without any sight of a bump in there. I want to wear pantyhose and high heels and paint my nails, go shopping and do traditionally girly things. My country is not an openminded or liberal country at all. It has a stupid right winger political party on display with an open hatemongering against LGBTQ people. I don’t think my workplace or even my neighbours can comprehend if one day I’d go out in a skirt or in makeup and start using a female name. I might be ridiculed and maybe fired too. I don’t know what I should do. I found this site in a wiki in a thread named “Am I teansgender?” so You might know why I am here. What the hell should I do? I am extremely grateful if any of You kind souls read my lenghty post. I just wanted to tell all that pulling my heart.
Christa…..Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. As we have members from 13 years old and older, please keep that in mind as you make your posts. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. *****In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled “Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I'm sure that you have watched trans youtubers...but just in case, here are some favorites of mine that you might like: MtF: Victoria Rose, Riley J. Dennis, Renna Williams, Robin jaspers, Gigi Gorgeous. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something”. When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. Only A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) and then only to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message as you can always send a staff member a Private Message. …..David
You mentioned that your finance is suppourtive to an extent but doesn't exactly like you cross-dressing. So you both haven't extensively breached that boundary yet. I think before you and your fiance tie the knot you should have a deeper conversation about you cross-dressing and begining to suspect that you possibly may be trans. I understand it's not safe right now for you to come out of the closet in your country, but if you can't be accepted for your true authentic self around the person you love, than maybe it isn't meant to be. I don't see it as unfairly pushing or forcing something onto them. Just because it's a tough conversation doesn't mean it's selfish. Your setting exceptions and the reality even if you're unsure. You're allowed to discover yourself and work through things. It doesn't make your intentions or speculations any less valid. Also you need to know if your fiance will commit to what she is signing up for. When you talk to her about cross-dressing, present yourself as confident and have positive body language. Lead the conversation. If you're embarrassed it will inspire doubt. Just try to act the same way around friend with your fiance.
