I’m not sure if this is the right place too put this, but I’m 18 and so confused about my sexuality. When I was younger (in primary school, which was when I was 5-11 years old) I always had boyfriends. I was young so never really thought about my sexuality or felt the need too. However when I was about 8 I had this friend who was a girl and we’d kiss like all the time, then something happened in my life so I changed primary schools and had this other friend when I was 10 and we both spoke about boys all the time, but one day we kissed (which wasn’t a big deal, I didn’t think anything of it, it was just for fun.) Whilst I was at this primary school I met this guy I was only 10 and he was 2 years older than me, it sounds crazy as I was only 10 but I had feelings for him I can’t even describe how I felt about him, we broke up I was sad for a few weeks but i’ve never felt like that about anybody since (before I carry on explaining the reason i’ve mentioned this is because this is what makes me doubt that I’m gay sometimes.) Ok so I started high school about a year after this (when I was 11/12) I ended up going out with this guy a few days in too it, I wasn’t obsessed with him, it was just ok and everyone had boyfriends in year 7, then we went swimming and afterwards he came into my changing room cubical and kissed me, I didn’t think it felt very nice as his lips were really wet but I didn’t think anything of the fact that I didn’t enjoy it that much, I didn’t enjoy it but I didn’t hate it. I think it was about a week later when I stayed at his house for the weekend (as my mum knew his mum) I don’t remember exactly how I felt but from what I remember, I remember just completely going off him after he kept being affectionate towards me. So eventually me and this guy ended but we stayed best friends for years. I had other boyfriends but none of them lasted for more than a few days this basically carried on throughout high school. I got with guys but I never got feelings for them like my friends did, everything was just ok, I didn’t necessarily enjoy it but I didn’t absolutely hate it. I never even thought or questioned my sexuality until I was about 14, but I didn’t think I was gay I thought I could be bi, which didn’t really bother me, it wasn’t a big deal too me. I had this friend and we’d hug every night and kiss, which I actually enjoyed, from what I remember it did feel different and better than the guys I’d kissed. Then this girl moved schools, I never had feelings for her I know that but I just enjoyed kissing her. When I was about 15/16 the same thing kept happening too me, I’d speak too guys think there cool, then as soon as they’d start saying they liked me I’d get freaked out, and when they started too show any affection towards me I’d feel uncomfortable and get cringed out unless I was drunk and even if I was drunk it still didn’t feel great. (Also at this point I was really attracted too a lot of female celebrities, male too. But it was like a different stronger attraction with females. Where it was like if I’d watch a movie it would be because of a pretty girl in it and I wouldn’t be interested in the guy). For about a year the same cycle was just happening of me speaking too guys then loosing interest as soon as they shown any affection towards me, I’d only feel comfortable getting with them when I was drunk. I thought it could just be because I’m shy and self conscious, but then I thought why don’t I enjoy it that much even when drunk. When I think about it now it was kind of like I was just getting with people drunk at parties because everyone else was. Then 2 years ago when I was 16 I lost my virginity too a guy who I thought I liked, I didn’t enjoy it but I thought it could just be because it’s my first time, but then we slept together about another 10 times and I still didn’t get any pleasure out of it. When I was 17 is when I started too question my sexuality properly, I ended up sleeping with like 5 guys just because I wanted too enjoy it once but I never got any pleasure out of it. Then I got to a point where I decided I wasn’t even going too speak too guys anymore because I knew I’d loose interest in them, and this is where I am now. Recently I had this thing with this guy where I told him I’m confused about my sexuality, and that I probably wouldn’t get feelings for him but I wanted too try things because he was such a nice guy, I didn’t mind a bit of flirting when I was drunk but when it came too me and him by ourselves I’d just feel so uncomfortable. This guy has literally sat there and told me he’s in love with me and I’ve just apologised. Im just so confused, I’d definitely say I’m way more attracted too girls than I am too guys, if I watch a program and see two girls kissing I think it looks nice and it’s something I think I want but I’m not sure if it’s just an idea I’ve put into my head. My mum also had a lot of problems with men whilst I was growing up and I’ve thought if it’s maybe something to do with that, that I don’t feel anything for guys, but the stuff that has gone on with my mum isn’t something that effects me anymore. This is so long and all over the place so thanks too whoever reads this. I just can’t find anyone that relates too this, as a lot of people say they always knew they were gay.
