11 year old son says he's bi!?

Depending on the kid, I think they can most definitely have a basic understanding of their feelings.

I've understood ever since I went through puberty that 11 is a pivotal turning point where all of the key changes start to happen, including a more acute awareness of attraction. So if your son has looked at girls and boys his own age, or even beyond his age, and felt a clear attraction to them, then it really needn't be more complicated than that at this time.

I also happen to have a Dad who has clearly shown a homophobic nature, mainly due to his natural stubbornness and a lack of acceptance for anything he can't understand (which is a lot of things). And even though I don't see my Dad much either after my parent's divorce a few years back, I know once he finds out about me that he's going to probably go ballistic, even if we barely ever see each other for it to matter.

The tendency for your son to have a lot of girlfriends or gal-pals could be a way for him to hide his interest in guys, sure. Or, perhaps rather than a form of shielding, it could just be that he wants to have relationships with someone, but he's still far too timid or nervous to try seeking out another boy, especially when finding another boy who is also gay is probably quite difficult.

I'm not sure if a counselor needs to be made aware of this development quite yet. For the time being I would simply try to keep the lines of communication open with your son so that as he realizes or discovers more about himself, he'll be able to tell you about them. And if things should reach a point where a counselor may be necessary, only then would I make that appointment.

Granted, I am saying all of this as someone who has never had children himself, but has still gone through childhood and puberty with a very introspective mind. So take my advice with a grain of salt.

 

That was around the time when i started seeing the signs of my own sexuality. So yes, a child your son's age definetally can figure it out that young. Middle school is always the quoted time frame as figuring out one's sexuality. I noticed the signs of my own sexuality as young as sixth grade, round about. Your son is quite lucky to have you and your father (it was your father who was married to a man, wasn't it?). As for advice, i don't know. Because i was raised in the rural southern USA in a christian conservative household it wasn't until adulthood that i started even questioning my sexuality. I simply did not date at all during my teen years. Above all i think what's most important is that your son knows he's got a rock of unconditional love and support in you and some of his extended family that you mentioned. If you think he will need some extra support - between figuring his sexuality out and coming to terms with it, navigating his relationship with his father, etc - then definitely make sure he's got a good, trusted counselor to talk to.

Idk if it'll be useful, but maybe it'd help you understand if i told you about me at that age. At that age i was in middle school, just starting it. I didn't understand why other girls would go gaga over a boy and this and that. I just didn't see the appeal but because I was raised by a conservative christian mother, i just assumed it was nothing to worry about. Sure, i'd acknowledge that they were pretty and have puppy dog crushes but that was it. And it was always a very specific type of boy - the effeminate pretty boys. I would check girls out without knowing what i was doing, and coming from my environment at the time i rejected by own instinctual, natural actions. I labelled them as shameful, rude, and inappropriate in my head. I think if i'd had a supportive family then i would have had a much happier teenage life.

One more thing - teenagers these days are much more accepting of the LGBT community. Not everyone, of course. But like...just take a look at the coming out videos on youtube for big youtubers. They'll get hate comments of course, but they get lots of supportive ones as well.

 

Hey MommaR,

If he took the enormously personal step of Coming Out to you as “Bi”, please take him at his word. While some homosexual people first Come Out as Bi, thinking that it will be easier for their parents/friends to accept, only HE can actually know his own sexuality, so please accept him at face value. It’s even possible that he isn’t entirely sure and may Come Out to you later as homosexual, but that shouldn’t matter. Please continue to do what you are doing and give him your unconditional love. THAT is the most important thing at this point.

It’s interesting to me that he likes hockey, especially since you describe him as a tender soul. Personally, I think that’s great and simply belies so many stereotypes. (Such as the ‘sissy’ guy who likes other guys.) The reality is that he is his own person and you should love him, as you said you do, for who he is.

You have no idea how HARD it is for most of us (LGBTQ people) to Come Out to our own parents. The fact that he trusts you enough to tell this very personal and private information says a ton about how much he respects and loves you.

In terms of his father, that is very hard to say. If his father is a ‘macho douchebag’ as you describe him, it is probably best that he doesn’t know that his son is Bi for quite a while – certainly not until your son wants to tell him (if ever). DEFINITELY DO NOT violate your son’s trust. What he told you was such a personal and private thing that if you violate that trust, you are likely to create a massive emotional rift between you and him.

If his gramps is gay, as you indicated, I can see why he’d feel more comfortable talking about personal issues with another understanding LGBTQ guy. Please don’t take that as a reflection on you parenting in the least, but just support him.

In terms of supporting him, I would suggest that you check out Pflag Canada – Here for you when no one else is
Also, you may want to download and read the online pamphlet from this website https://www.pflag.org/resource/our-children

As a Bisexual person, he is likely to have a rough time in school, especially if he is open about it. At the same time, he will be better off for being who he really is and not having to hide his sexuality from his peers. Bisexuality is complicated, however, and he’s only beginning to explore his own sexuality. He still has to go through puberty to fully understand many of the implications of his sexuality. For many bisexual people, we have a greater ‘preference’ towards one gender or the other. Most of us are not ’50-50’ and it’s not even as simple as that. For most of us, if we have romantic feelings for an individual, it doesn’t matter what their gender is. Even if the gender of the individual is on the side of the gender that we may be generally less-attracted to, the feelings for that individual are no less strong and no less significant. If that makes any sense to you.

Your son may end up in an opposite-sex relationship or a same-sex relationship. What he has told you is that he doesn’t want you to be surprised and hopes you won’t be unaccepting if he brings home either a girlfriend or a boyfriend to meet you.

And in terms of how to treat his crushes and dating and such... don't treat things any differently than if you had a heterosexual boy, in general. In terms of sleepovers and such, you may simply want to make sure that they are monitored appropriately (such as restricting them to an open, common room that can be monitored, but telling him that he can't go to or host sleepovers is a bad idea. Work with other parents and your own son, as necessary to make sure that these kind of socializing events can still occur.

I don’t know how much any of that helps or confuses you, but please feel free to continue to ask questions and interact here on EC!

Take Care!

 

You're welcome, MommaR.

Did you click on the link in my post for PFLAG? Their Canadian website is pflag.ca

 

After that good start, you can do a lot wrong (please don't) and it will still be OK. He'll be grateful to you forever for that drama-free answer.

 

You can definitely know that early. I had my first major crush aged 10, but it wasn't until recently that I could admit I was attracted to boys (and those who didn't identify as either) as well. From time to time in PE we played an indoor version called uni-hoc and I, too, loved it despite my generally non-aggressive nature. For me it was the speed and having to keep the puck on the floor - soccer wasn't as fun.

 

Just the way my 11 year old sister tells me of her boy crushes and dates boys, what's the difference with being bisexual/gay? Just the same. I knew I liked girls from when I was 6/7 when I had crushes on my cousins girlfriends, lol