“Disclosure”

I think I just need to vent maybe. Sorry for the long winded post.

I came here because I don’t really know where to go? My friends are all straight and my gay friends have their own issues. Honestly I’m just embarrassed because the only other friend who knew about him didn’t really know just how much I liked him. I’ve been talking to this guy for not the longest while, he was cute, nice and really funny. It’s only been about two weeks, but we’d just talk all day, every day. All we really did was FaceTime and text because COVID. But I felt really connected to him, I usually get bored really fast (which scares me a lot). With him though he genuinely wanted to know me, and I found that I just wanted to know more and more about him. I just really wanted to feel close to him. This was a first for me, just waiting around for a text back or a call. Just feeling really excited to talk to him. I’d catch myself just like smiling at my phone, and I don’t do crushes and things so I was super excited. Also, it felt really nice to be wanted? He would flirt so much, and I honesty loved how much he just wanted me, it was exhilarating and this was the first time I’d ever felt a man wanted all of me.

Fast forward to yesterday. He and I were texting back and forth. I mentioned this documentary I had just watched and said he should watch it, because it was good. It’s about trans representation in the media and in Hollywood: Disclosure. Right after I made the recommendation he asked me if I was trans. This took me by surprise and I didn’t respond for a good while just because I was trying to wrap my head around that moment. I was frustrated and said something to the effect of “because of my decision to support my trans siblings, and ask that you do the same I must be trans?” He apologized but something didn’t sit right. It was such a small thing, but I felt my stomach turn when I tried to continue the conversation. This interaction reminded me of my straight male friends being told that they must be gay for standing up for me, and it kind of triggered me. Not because the assumption that I might be trans offended me, but I started thinking about the violence trans women face when they don’t tell straight men that they are trans. It was honestly the perfect storm of emotions and I just felt angry. I said “you don’t need to belong to a community to feel empathy for a group.” Then he jokingly asked if I was trans again...at that point I just thought “Is this real? Is he serious?” I didn’t respond after he asked me a few more questions trying to take the conversation somewhere else. But I was asking myself why I was giving him a pass. It reminded me of straight women who claim to be “allies” but then have homophobic boyfriends...I literally didn’t know how to move past it and I decided to let him know that I didn’t appreciate him making a joke about the fact that I might be trans and owed it to him to tell him that if I were...he said he was sorry and that he would respect whatever decision I made about us moving forward. I said it was nice getting to know him and that I truly and honestly do “wish you the absolute best!” We met on a certain dating app and by the time I’d logged back in about five minutes after this, he’d already unmatched with me. I felt and feel dumb, because I liked him? I felt dumb! I’m embarrassed honestly...I know the violence and fear that comes with not disclosing to someone that you are trans.

If I was feeling this way about this guy two weeks in...I had to try and educate him NOW because this will only feel more uncomfortable in the future. He made it a joke. This was a huge red flag, and I did not want to forgive it because he was handsome (Oh gosh he was so HANDSOME), or because he made me laugh. Because I will not be any part of a conversation where a trans woman is the butt of a joke. Anyway, just needed to vent...I’m not gonna lie, it’s embarrassing but this one is gonna take me a minute to get over.