Finding relationship

Apologies in advance for where this may go. Anyone who has read my posts has probably already figured out i'm a lover of the written word, and communication in general. Relationship is a vast topic to me, i think it's central to living, so i'll try to keep from writing a book here.

Which might segue into why i find it so hard to find anything more than casual or sex in the gay community? i think my desire and efforts at communication scares more guys than it attracts?

i may have seen too many romantic gay movies, so my emotional bar may be too high? But i think my cognitive parts bring me back in line.

i think a big part of the challenge around meeting guys in ways that might evolve into something more is so much of meeting is online. Online is a double edged sword in several ways. For instance, in terms of finding compatible guys, it's like throwing a net over the whole planet. The other side of that cutting edge is, how to haul a net that big in? i think a lot of guys are aware of that and only take meeting someone from the other side of the world half seriously. my experience is the usual expectation is from others is the onus is on me to make the trip. And it's disconcerting how quickly that gets put on the table. One or two exchanges and: "are you going to come and see me?"

But those are actually the good ones, the possible connections. i have yet to find a gay meeting site that isn't more than half populated by guys just looking to hook up. Or even pretending on that count, fantasizing and masturbating with no intention of getting together with the guy they are stringing along. This is actually pretty common, i'm on a few gay discussion forums and it's a common complaint that guys who wanna hook run into: "flakes." So, apparently, it's hard to even find a 'serious' hook up, which may come off as a bit of an oxymoron to those looking for "serious relationship."

Moving right along, there are many who claim to be looking for "more than a hook-up," or for "ltr," or for "serious relationship," or for "my soul mate," or some other variation beyond 'just' sex (don't get me started on that one).

i am chagrinned and sorta frustrated by the number of gay guys claiming to want a romantic tangle of some sort beyond a hook-up, who seem to have no clue how to go about getting or having a relationship? i cannot number the amount of profiles that claim: "I'm looking for _________ (see prior paragraph to fill in the blank)," and that's it. Often it will be accompanied by a pic of their genitalia, or if they are really, really serious, a face pic. Haha, there's a whole niche that considers genital pics beneath them, yet they think themselves somehow "serious" with a one line profile claiming their pursuit of "serious_______" and nothing more?

To me, what it comes down to is how very rare it is to encounter a guy who has self awareness, or if he does, knows how to self disclose?

Another of what commonly passes as a 'profile,' is: "I never know what to write. I'm an open book, feel free to ask questions." It doesn't seem to occur to them that no can read a book with empty pages. Even if someone wants to interview the author, it's usually because of something they read in the book. What these guys don't realize is they are putting all the weight of connecting on someone else. There are so many guys out there who do this, it's a wonder that any two guys ever get together.

i can say, conservatively, i initiate 90 percent of the time. When i do, i try to respond to something about them on their profile... which can be very hard to do if there is nothing. But when there is, i respond to that piece of self disclosure... even if it's just a pic. 85% never respond or acknowledge the query or attempt to engage.

The other 10% who do engage? About 80% of those are either scammers or guys who have not read my detailed profile and write something really compelling like: "hey." (stop laughing, i'm serious... okay, go ahead and laugh). Sigh. Or worse: "What are you looking for" or "I'd like to get to know you," or, "great profile" (without saying what they thought was great about it... and you know they didn't get past the pictures lol). These are guys who probably want to connect, but they want the other guy to do all the work. They often have no profile, because that's the first thing i look for when i get a three word note. I'm looking for some form of substance, a sense of the person? But there is nothing there. Nothing in their note to me, no profile, nothing but an expectation that i disclose even more, and if they self disclose at all, it will only happen if the other guy is willing to do all the work.

Sorry. Maybe i should have put this in the "rant" section. But i am seriously perplexed by the lack of emotionally self aware, or if they are aware, guys who can articulate and share about their selves.

Where i do find guys like that? On sites like this one that have nothing to do with trying to find romance.

i know i cannot be alone in this? What are other's experiences on honest, dedicated effort to find relationship?

i'll stop for now. (rolls eyes at self)

 

All sage input. Thank you for reading and responding so graciously... i did get a bit ranty there, which is never fun to read. What's worse thought is getting ranty on a profile on a meeting site.. EEEK, lol. i've seen several, and manage to delete or edit mine when i go off the rails.

Mostly i think it's ignorance amongst guys. Which is by no means an implication of lack of intelligence. i do not think guys are raised to even acknowledge things like feelings, let alone be in touch with them and know how to express them. We have to learn how to communicate and be emotionally available, but it's never been standard education, or even an elective course. When i first married, i unconsciously acted as though my (former) wife just somehow knew how i felt and thought, that it was 'just obvious.' i never thought that way really, it's just the way i was. When we were arguing once and i insisted "you know_______!!!!" and she responded: "no, i didn't know, you didn't tell me." A light finally went on and i realized i was expecting people to know things without my actually telling them. i grew up in a non communicating family and i would try to read my parents. As a teen, i even got a book: "People Reading." i was pretty good at it, but the reality is, no one can read another's mind, we just 'read' hints at best.

Learning to be open and available is something that can be learned, but i don't think most guys are even aware they don't know that language.