Sexuality topic

The truth is that I've always read so many of gay men's threads. I always thought I have to be more composed than everyone else, despite me feeling like I wish to jump in this conversation, that, hey I feel the same.

I feel I'm not allowed to jump in these conversations not only because of this, but because I wasn't born in the right body for this. I don't belong. I'm not whole.

I've fantasized a lot about it all. About every single thing you guys write about. I fantasize how I as a man will marry another man and have a family together.

I have a lack of experience. I'm a virgin and not only all of this there is my trauma and a lot of mistrust towards other people. I'm scared of getting hurt and I also have low self esteem.

I feel like I really need to form some sort of connection with a person, so one night stands are not really possible. I will freak out, unless I'm reassured ten thousand times and people would flee once they lay their eyes on me. This is how low my self confidence is.

Dating is more difficult for me, since I live with my parents. Honestly I don't even have any privacy.

And me being trans is also making things difficult, since on dating websites there are mostly straight people or bi couples, who want threesomes. I haven't been on gay sites. I fear discrimination. No one really says if they're okay with transpeople. I haven't had any surgeries either.

My own city is tiny too. It's almost rural, so there aren't a lot of opportunities.

There is also this constant going around about my sexuality.

With identity it's easy. There is dysphoria telling me that my doubts have no basis, but sexuality isn't as clear cut.

I don't really have anything to loose if I don't label myself, but I don't know why I keep doubting so much. It's very frustrating and overwhelming. I just want to cry. Is it a sence of belonging I want? Even though I feel like I don't fit in the community on the first place?

Sorry for long text, but I had to get it all out of myself.

 

Thanks I appreciate it. it's okay. I just wanted to vent it. I've decided to take the sexuality topic to my psychiatrist and psychologist. There are just things I can't handle by myself. Maybe even only medication can help. I will make a thread in general support about my mental health regarding it all.

 

My anxiety is still causing me to not reply as much. It's a whole lot better than it was, when I first joined EC, back then I was scared to even contact any staff here. Even posting on the forums were something I didn't do before, because talking to people, while others saw or contacting someone privately caused huge anxiety. Being here and interacting and doing mod stuff is a very big deal to me. I'm somehow able to manage this anxiety, but when it comes to talking about sexuality I feel uncomfortable, because sexuality was never a topic I had to think about. When I was straight I just didn't think much and I wasn't popular within guys anyway. I was hit with a lot of shame, when I thought I might be lesbian. I buried those feelings within. Then this whole transgender stuff came and it completely threw me off and overwhelmed me. I wasn't even able to get properly into questioning phase with the lesbian label. Now I don't know what I'm supposed to be and not having any label is not an option either, because I won't be able to settle down, withouth thinking what I am.

I haven't. I'm scared to try. What if no one likes me? I'm sensitive to rejections. Or what if I would be judged and discriminated against?

 

I haven't had time to go there. I live an hour away from, where the association is located. My city is tiny and there is nothing lgbt+ out here, unless you are a club person, which I'm not. My city is basically an old people city. In the winter time especially it's dead. All the big events are in our capital. Sigh.

I'm bottom, but I can also be top depending on the situation. I'm flexible there.

I guess there really isn't anything else to do, than try and experiment really. I need to gather courage to go through with some of this stuff.

 

Thank you. Yeah I will try my best. I need to get over my anxiety and put myself out there.

 

Hurdle is parental overprotection.
I've been to clubs before, so it wouldn't be my first time.
I usually travel by bus. It's not a big deal either.

 

I don't mind. I've talked about it before too.
I live with my parents and sister in the same house and I'm the only person who is semi okay to work and such, because my parents and sister has disabilities and they don't trust others, also I've been sick, since I was born thanks to bad genetics and weak immune system. I've basically had pneumonia each time I got a bit of cold, so I pretty much lived at the hospital (I had weak heart and lungs too). I think this is, where all of this overprotectivness comes from. They've had to take care of two sick children. My mom even told me, regarding this whole transgender stuff when it comes to operations that it's too risky, they don't wish to loose me, since performing operations was even, when I was little not something that was considered, even though I would have problably benefit from an heart surgery. I almost died at birth. I think that all the overprotectivness comes from here from fearing of loosing me.

I've taked about it with them, but my dad keeps saying others do it this way too (which they don't) and my dad says he can't sleep, when I'm out late (which is his way of problably trying to quilt trap me), even though I've always been the good kid.

It's honestly embarrasing and frustrating. They call me, when I'm out little later, even though they know I'm out.

I though feel suffocated and trapped here. I've never really got a chance to enjoy life.

 

Sorry about replying just now. I just now got back from university. It's been a long day.
Thank you, but I don't expect people to reply. I'm really thankful though. I honestly expected this to get 0 reply's, but it feels good to get it out of my system and be able to talk. I feel my anxiety dissappears too.

 

I feel like I want to transition 100% and get to as close as possible to be whole, but I don't feel any dysphoria on the bottom part. Mainly it's the upper part that causes most dysphoria.

 

I've seen it too, which is why I'm scared about being discriminated against and I haven't had good experiences. Some seem so cold and one despite being in a relationship tried to flirt with me and it was very uncomfortable. Also I get a lot of mixed signals.