vent

I grew up in a very abusive environment and I had to pretend to be straight, because it wouldn't have been safe to come out. I was often degraded for not acting like a real man and was punished for the crime of existing. So I often felt like I hated myself and most of my life was a waste. I had to do what I had do to survive, but maybe it was a waste. I wish I had prepared and accepted myself back then to be ready for when I could get myself out of that abusive situation and start living my truth and really begin my journey. It feels like I have been reborn. Instead I waited and only focused on survival because I felt too trapped to even dare dream about a future for myself. I just recently accepted myself at 30 and life would have been much different for me, had I done it 8-10 yrs ago.

So I get you hate yourself and your past, and that's perfectly valid. But you have your present to prepare for your future. Accept the version of yourself you don't like now and slowly fall in love with the person you'll create and become. There is a future for you but you have to go out and make it or discover it. It's overwhelming for sure, but you can go at your own pace and take baby steps. The main thing is to keep moving forward and hopefully build momentum. That's what I'm trying to do. You may not be able to access transgender care now but you can start to prepare for everything else until the time comes.

I used to often compare myself to everyone else and I promise you it's a hole you'll never see the bottom to. You have to force yourself to cut it out of your system. Everyone has their own measuring stick, journey, standards, values, starting line, and finishing line. I told myself that it is all a fantasy that could be useful to guide me, but not reality. Aspiring to other people's goals isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you have to make your own goals. Follow their example don't copy it.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed and it does sound really bad. I think sometimes all we can do is ease our suffering until something else might work, so in your case I would want medications for depression so you can feel content until you can transition, if that is possible someday. At least if you're not so sad you can get by and not hurt so bad all the time. It's like hospice care almost to feel comfy at least would be nice and I hope you will feel better!

 

I used to feel very alone all the time and sometimes I still do. I realized I was putting all my time and energy into searching for people, and putting what I personally liked to do and my life on hold. So I focused and harnessed that time and energy by investing it into myself instead of other people. I still feel lonely to an extent but I can entertain myself and fill the void with doing stuff that makes me happy and fulfilled. This allowed me to develop my personality more and ironically old and new friends came back around and wanted to spend time with me, because I became more interesting. Not gonna lie the harsh reality still stings but that's progress for you. You have to find that balance of fulfilled loneliness and socializing.

Sometimes taking a plunge into the deep end isn't necessarily bad. It forces you to swim and struggle to thrive, but you have to make sure you know when to swim back to the shallow end before you sink.

Have you tried to go to a park or a busy urban area to walk or workout before? That way you don't have to feel so alone by being around other people but you don't have to interact with them personally. You can just exist and build your confidence. It's like exposure therapy. You can also workout at the same time to achieve the physical goals you want.

There is an old Shakespeare quote I read before that changed my outlook on life.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
The first and last comments rely on other people and circumstance. In other words just dumb luck. So I told myself I can either wait and bet it all or lose it all by hoping to get struck by fortunate lighting - or I can try to achieve some form of greatness and make my own luck.

 

I don't know if I can offer much insight, I just wanted to let you know as another trans woman that you are not alone in these experiences.

I often get the feeling of being trapped too, both in my body and by life circumstances. I don't want to pretend to be a man, but it feels like that's the only thing I can do while waiting to eventually be able to even dip my toes into transitioning. The desire does get pretty overwhelming at times.

I do go to university, but I barely attend any classes physically and continue to live as a shut-in like I have been for most of my life. I've had next to zero social life, I've never really wanted to do anything, and I've only left the house when necessary for external reasons. I thought I was content living like this, I was apathetic about it, but now that I found the one thing that I genuinely want, I don't think I can keep living this way anymore. But I still live with my mom, and I know she is transphobic (and homophobic for that matter), so I'm not comfortable doing anything.

But transitioning is a long process regardless. Something I've found hope in sometimes is looking at other people's transition timelines. If they can do it, then so can I, and so can you! It's going to be difficult, but I feel that if I don't put in the effort once I'm ready to do so, I will regret it forever.

 

This may sound crazy, so feel free to ignore, but do you exercise? I have found that physical activity has a profound impact on how I feel, body, mind, and soul. It's a great place to focus your energy and often increases your body positivity and overall makes you feel better about yourself. Do you like to swim? run? bike? hike? play tennis? frisby? The periods in my life that I have been most physically active have been the healthiest of my life.

 

Its true.

 

You may also be interested in looking into feminizing workouts if you haven't already, Celeste. It can be a nice motivator to do even a little bit of exercise.

 

I’ m not only gay in the closet but fem as well. Started crossdressing in 2017 and never felt more alive. I have tried to ignore it for long periods but it always comes back. In another lifetime I’d transition for sure.

Growing up I remember never wanting to be like my father- my mother was my role model. I adored her.

I never have revealed this about myself- this is a first.

 

I'm proud of you for being honest with yourself and admitting to it!

If you're certain you would transition in another lifetime, why not do so in this one? Is there something that's stopping you from transitioning? It's never too late to do so, if you believe you would be happier that way.

You don't have to transition if you really don't want to, that doesn't make you any less fem if that's how you feel on the inside. Not all trans people choose to transition for various reasons. In what ways you choose to transition can also vary, not everyone chooses to medically transition, for example. The important thing is to find what you're comfortable with and want to do.

 

thank you! I have been wrestling with this for a long time but now feel compelled to express myself fully

 

The more I allow myself to feel my feminine side the more i want it to take over. I’m so tired of playing the male role when it’s never been me

 

I'm truly sorry all that happened to you. I'm deeply appalled by all these so called professionals and friends that invalidated you like you were nothing. We may have different experiences but I get how you feel. I've been thrown under the bus by therapists, friends, family, and even the gay community at times invalidating my issues and experiences. I hid away from the world to heal and cobble the fragmented pieces together but it never worked and I became stuck while the world passed me by. I learned that you can't rebuild what is broken. You can only take the old pieces to build something new and beautiful. I got too wrapped up in fixing myself when I should have been creating myself the whole time. So I accepted who I was. I accepted all the pain hatred and happiness and slowly fell in love with the person I would become and create.

We all have our crosses to bear. Just because one may appear to be easy or nothing to someone else doesn't mean it is for that person, and they have no right to judge. Also you don't have to take that abuse and blatant disregard of decency laying down. You have a right to stand up for yourself and call people out like this. Respect is usually earned, but sometimes you have to fight back and defend yourself, so they can recognize and respect you. Take that power and control back for yourself.

That change you're talking about will have to come from within. Sometimes you have to force yourself kicking and screaming to move forward until you get momentum. It will suck, but it will get better. The easiest way for me to explain it, ( without getting to abstract), is to tell you about the time I broke my leg. After I broke my leg I was laid up on the couch for a few months. My foot totally atrophied and it looked like a skeleton foot off a Halloween decoration. Once I could start walking again it felt like dozens of knives cutting into my foot with every step. I wanted nothing more than to quit, but if I did I wouldn't be able to move independently again. So I forced myself every day to get up and move crying and cursing the whole time. The first month really sucked but after a while I got stronger and pushed my limits every day until I made a complete recovery.

All of us here at EC are proud of you for having the courage to come out despite what happened. I really mean that. Maybe it might not seem like much now, but soon enough all those small victories will start adding up. I believe in you.

 

I echo the sentiments that have already been posted, it's awful that you had to go through all that. Taking care of yourself is easier said than done, but remember that you do deserve to be happy. Taking things one step at a time is a good approach, and eventually, you can make the things that once seemed impossible possible.

I hope that you can continue to find the strength to work towards your own happiness and get the support you need along the way.