Stress response is causing confusion

Before starting HRT, whenever I had these moments of confusion I would do two things:
1. Tell myself that I'll do whatever I can to get testosterone, then take every shot as a small step. I used to tell myself I would be able to stop hormones whenever I wanted. I could take it for one week, then if I wanted to stop, I'd stop.

2. imagine what it would be like to be on HRT, get to a point where I look like a cis man, and then imagining what it would be like if I detransitioned - so basically transitioning back to female. (This causes a lot of dysphoria tho)

The first one gave me a sense of control - transitioning is a huge step in life, and it's normal to feel doubt or anxiety. But...you can just take on injection. You can stop after that, if you realise it's not for you. It's not the end of the world.
The second one caused such a gutwrenching reaction that I would start questioning why I was having doubts in the first place. "Of course I wouldn't want to live as a woman after being able to live as a man"

 

I may have already mentioned this before, but I would suppress most of your feelings and put your transition on the back burner for now, until you can get the hell out of there and process them in a safe positive environment. I'm not saying to stop what you're doing, but shifting your focus to prioritize moving out.

I grew up in a very abusive environment and my family members always tried to gaslight me into becoming the robot they wanted me to be. I'll skip all the drama, but I tried to work on my issues and stick to my guns with little to show for it. I realized being in a negative/narcissistic environment would not allow me to flourish and was knocking me more steps back then forward. So I controlled all my feelings the best I could and shifted my focus to surviving and getting the hell out. Only when I got to a safe/positive environment, was I able to truly make progress and truly heal. Don't get me wrong it took a while and it was a lot of hard work. However, the progress I made was challenging rather than burdening like it was in the past.

I also know from experience you cannot reason or debate with an abuser or gas-lighter. Their narcissism, pride, and stubbornness can't be changed. If you try to shut them down, then they'll only flip the script. It's just a losing battle. All you can do is say no and walk away as soon as possible. Trust me. My mother, sister, and I tried to show our family the light our entire childhood. We lost and got kicked down in the dirt every time. Accept it's a battle that is already lost and remove yourself from the field.

I know my advice isn't necessarily cheerful but it helped me in my experience to survive in a time of crisis and move forward.

 

i think Chillton brings up an important point. i don't know you or your situation more than in a surface way, but i think generally speaking, those closest to us have a lot of emotional effect on us. i suspect a lot of the effects they have are subtle, not easy to put into words. They know our buttons, they're in a powerful position to influence our feelings, even when our mind is made up and we are cognitively certain. Our emotions can take a lot of time to aline with our reason. It's hard to have clarity when your feelings are continuously taking a beating.

 

Yeah, feelings can be "awkward, stupid and ugly" all on their own. i had the dream last night that left me feeling insecure, stupid and bad. i dreamt i was put on probation at work for doing something i could never figure out, but i felt like such a failure and still felt the threat of it when i woke up. The thing is, i have worked at the same place for 10 years and get exemplary reviews every year, my managers and peers all love me and many come to me when they have a question (i'm very nerdy). i always have stress dreams the day before i go on rotation. I started telling my peers about the dreams, and then others started sharing that they had them too. Life is so full of real stressors, it's totally valid to have a stress response from it. Rationally, i know better, but that doesn't prevent the dreams with the very real feelings that i have to get around. i get it.

i am very un-photogenic. i look in the mirror and think, that's okay. Then i'll see a pic and think: "wow, i hope i don't really look like that." lol, honestly, i think most of the population is insecure about their looks. But then i'll get a message on a gay dating site from a stranger who thinks i'm hot. Or i'll contact 9 guys i'm interested in and none of them will even respond. There are so many things out there to feed our feelings of insecurity about our looks. So, i go to the gym every other day and do what i call my "skinny white boy routine." To me, everyone there is gorgeous... and i'm,...... mostly tone. But i do get to stare at some really hot guys while i'm there.

 

One thing i do when i'm feeling blue is i watch "The Great British Baking Show." i always feel good watching that.

 

I'm late to this one, Jack. But you know what I think - I can see how you will look once you get the hormones that will affirm who you are and you're going to be a one cool dude! Don't worry about being short - there are plenty of short cis guys. No-one ever looks at a short man and thinks 'oh they must be trans'. You'll pass no problem.

As for the confusion caused by living in a transphobic household and transphobic society...it's f***ing hard. I know. When I was recovering from my foot op and not being sociable it was difficult seeing the avalanche of anti-trans crap there currently is in the media. It's helped getting out since and meeting up with friends who accept me. It's hard to comprehend how difficult it must be in your situation.

But you're still here, after four years. I have so much respect for you for the sheer resilience you have shown in that time. You will get out. Soon. And then your life can finally begin, my brother.

Hugs, Beth xx