I remember a couple of years ago I was hanging out with a friend. An asexual lesbian. I expressed that I would rather be ace like her. Something that I've struggled with, for a while honestly, is dealing with physical and sexual attraction. I've accepted my overall attraction to women. I've been out of the closet for a while now. I daydream about the concept of having a girlfriend, sure. But, I also feel a great deal of shame. I have this intrusive dread about being predatory and I can't for the life of me flirt with women without apologising and feeling bad for doing so. Sometimes I just wish I could be aroace. So I could just... Not. You know? I know it's probably partly routed in internalised homophobia. Which is not the best because I feel like screaming seriously? Even now? Didn't I get through this already? Didn't I do the whole going to therapy and healing thing in my teens? Why oh freaking why am I still doing this dance? I just want to forget about dating entirely. I hate flirting. It feels so wrong. I'd rather not have romantic feelings or sexual feelings or any of the feelings.
Exactly how does flirting feel wrong or make you feel predatory? There are quite a few causes I could think of off the top of my head, or I could be totally off the mark. I will say, sometimes when we reach the goal post we still have more work to do to sustain that goal. Also the challenges, work, and goals in life are never in short supply. So treat yourself with more patience and kindness. You've done the dance before and you'll be able to do it again. Each time you'll get better until dancing becomes second nature like walking.
Maybe an alternative is opening yourself up and making yourself available for someone to flirt with you? Opening up and being vulnerable can be scary, but maybe there is someone out there that is just waiting to get to know you better and more intimately. Perhaps that would take away some of those predatory feelings.
idk if there is a lot, if anything, we can do about feelings? Therapy may give us rationale about the whole "dance," but learning how to dance and feeling like dancing are two different things? Research suggests we feel before we think, All our senses go through the feeling part of our brain before arriving at the cognition center. In my experience, no amount of reason erases feelings, they seem to have a mind of their own. What i wonder is if the conflict you have is all feeling? I.e., is the desire to flirt in the first place a feeling, or feeling based... or does the desire to flirt originate from someplace else? i wanna say go along with what is and not what you wish for? But then, it also sounds like when you go along with what you want (feel?) you have other feelings that conflict with that? Do you imagine you could be happy in an asexual relationship with a woman?
I've been a little tired lately, so if this is all over the place then I do apologise. Sex, to me at least, has always been a strange subject. I don't think my repulsion is coming from a place of disinterest. Which, I know might seem odd but let me explain. I've been sexualised from a disturbingly young age. And it gave me, well, let's say a strange relationship with my body. A sort of disconnect. I especially remember my experiences with a stalker. After that, I often wore very loose and shapeless clothing because I was uncomfortable and sort of wanted to be invisible. I know what it's like to be objectified and to feel uncomfortable in your own skin as a result. I would never want to unwittingly make someone else feel that way. That's what I worry about. I know, in a way, that it is irrational and blown out of proportion. I have been respectful with compliments and never steered into creepy territory. So, why do I feel this way? Well, I have been trying to figure that one out myself. My introduction to the world of sex ed wasn't exactly the best. Have you ever seen Mean Girls? That scene where the health teacher says 'Don't have sex, or you'll get pregnant and die'? Well, honestly my sex ed experience wasn't far off that haha. It was the type to preach abstinence followed by a PowerPoint presentation designed to put people off sex for a lifetime. I've often heard the idea of a sexual self being discussed as a separate entity from the rest of the self and that's the way I have seen it for a while. As something that is dirty and shameful. Not respectful. I know this might come across as rather puritanical but it's difficult to unlearn this because it's so ingrained into how I think about the subject. Then there's all the healthcare surrounding sexual health which frankly sounds downright terrifying to me. Makes me wonder why people even have sex at all if they have to deal with all that. Admittedly, I don't know how I would feel about a relationship with an asexual woman. Part of me worries, what if I end up wanting something more? But I also have no way of knowing if I would. It is a shame that I never got to do the whole dating as a teen and easing into it thing. I mean, I had a fake relationship with a gay guy but I mean I never had anything genuine. Dating apps tend to be centred around sex and I'm a baby gay who's quite frankly in the deep end. I haven't even kissed a woman before. And I worry that I might never. I sort of feel kind of childish. Naive. I know I should be more patient with myself. It's just difficult.
That guilt/shame you have about being predatory, I’ve sensed that a lot in “nice guy” type straight men that have flirted with me. The first girl I was ever with explained something to me about the difference between men and women and it’s always stuck with me and I’ve explained the difference to other women I’ve been with (and tried to get with). Essentially the difference between men and women is that men extract sexual pleasure from a woman. They don’t need her to do anything, she can be an active participant or just compliant and they can receive pleasure from her body. If she’s lucky, it’ll be pleasurable for her too, but rarely properly satisfying. It’s not a reciprocal arrangement, it’s one sided. Potentially predatory (no offence guys). With two women, it’s not the same at all. One woman cannot really use the other woman in a passive way for sexual pleasure, it has to be an active reciprocal experience. Women get with other women in order to give pleasure, not to extract pleasure. They may hope that in giving pleasure, it is also given to them, but that’s a different thing entirely to the make/female experience. You are maybe similarly uneasy with taking the flirter/seducer role as those nice guys that have flirted with me. The bad guys, they don’t have the same unease, they are comfortable in that role. The experience you are offering to women is materially different from what a straight man has to offer though. It’s hard to put into words what I’m trying to explain but basically, it feels like you’ve got a similar mentality towards attracting someone that a nice straight guy might have, but you shouldn’t because you aren’t a straight guy. I don’t know what to suggest to help you get over those feelings of guilt/predation, but I think it’s probably quite common.
I think you’re worrying about this far more than is necessary, but it’s totally understandable. There’s definitely plenty of sensitive girls out there that don’t appreciate a strong come-on, but there’s far more gay women that are desperate for somebody else to confidently take the lead. You basically just described why I didn’t ever hook up with guys. Dirty, shameful, not respectful. That’s how we judge women that sleep around. What if they tell all their mates, what if they give me an STD, what if I get pregnant? I don’t know why though I just never had the same worries around women? Maybe it’s because I was coming at it from a straight perspective? I really had no clue about my sexuality back then, and I still find it difficult to explain now. I feel like I got the easiest introduction into the world of WLW. I was 16, she was 18, we’d had a few drinks, she gently took the lead. I didn’t know it was even on the cards until it started so I was not at all nervous or feeling uneasy. It was a lovely experience, a million times better than with my ex-boyfriend. I honestly wish every gay/bi/curious girl could have the same first time. There’s something to be said for starting young. I learned to backflip when I was 11, and I can’t remember being scared of hurting myself. I sometimes watch YouTube videos of adults trying to learn and the biggest problem they’ve got is that they can’t throw themselves into it with the required momentum because they’re scared of hurting themselves, but if you don’t go into it with 100% commitment you won’t have the rotational speed to pull it off. Feels like dating & sex is similar. Don’t be so hard on yourself. At least you know what you are and what you want. I had the opposite problem, practical experience but no understanding of myself. If I could give you one piece of advice I would say to really think twice before saying no to anything. It’s not straight world and the straight dating rules don’t apply. There’s not a whole lot to be worried about if the opportunity ever arises.
