Hey I don't like to go into detail about stuff like this publicly but I recently found out my bf has been with a lot more guys than me and I'm not sure how I feel. I feel like I need someone to talk about about this but I don't know where to turn. He's suggested a semi open relationship which I've turned down because I don't want to mess things up between us, but in all honesty I'm equally scared of doing something with other guys and of not doing it. There's so much to this and my head is honestly spinning. I don't know what to do.
Is the problem more that he has been with a lot of guys, or that you haven't? Why has he suggested an open relationship, did he give a reason?
I get that you don't like to go into a lot of detail about your personal life, but I feel like we won't be able to really help without more context to go on. How did you find out your boyfriend had a higher body count? It seems like he tried to be smooth and broach the subject of an open relationship and accidentally divulged he slept with more guys than he told you, and lied about it. You're not OK with any of that for a # of reasons but you don't want the relationship to potentially end by calling him out and you're unsure of what to do now. That may not be the case but that is where my mind went. For now I would suggest voicing your relationship boundaries, or your concerns about what an open relationship would entail for you both individually. If there isn't a conversation then expectations or resentment will build while it gets put off.
I'm confused. Do you mean historically or during your relationship with him? If you mean that because your BF has been having sex with others, you feel you must also, perhaps you can let that go. You need to decide what you're comfortable with. It isn't a competition. Why would you be scared of "not doing it"? I don't know what a semi-open relationship is, but I agree with Chillton, talking about your needs, concerns, and boundaries is important. Let us know how it goes.
If my bf had been having sex with others behind my back while we were together, we wouldn't be together. It's that simple. And fine, I guess I can share. I found out he had a higher body count after months of seeing each other, the day before we moved in together and after I'd paid a large deposit on a place. It's his past sure but it's a contradiction of what he'd earlier told me and it caught me off guard. Also we've talked multiple times about open relationships but a lot of it comes down to his unwillingness to compromise sexually. I want to be with him, just him, long term. I'm vers, he's strict top. There's some things in the bedroom he just refuses to do with me, and his solution is to see other people. At first he gave permission for me to independently see others if I wanted, which I don't really, and I decided against it even though the topic has come up numerous times. Then last night we were tipsy and horny and talked about potential threesomes after we'd built up our relationship more. I was into it at the time but later we were intimate and after I freaked. I really freaked and this morning I'm still not ok. He basically said he wanted me to have the chance to top sometimes because he isn't willing to bottom, but that we'd only top together and that he'd want to join in and have fun with the situation, that we'd top someone else together. Sure at the time that seemed reasonable but to be honest no it isn't. Basically he's unwilling to compromise sexually unless it involves him being able to have sex with someone else too. Which is not fair. A semi open relationship I guess refers to being monogamish. If you give it a google there should be multiple sources able to explain it better than I can. I feel like I'm going behind his back by posting here and if you see this, I'm sorry. But I don't know what to do or how to feel. My mental health goes into freefall whenever this comes up, and it feels like I have to choose between my sexuality or my boyfriend and I being exclusive. I don't want to have to make that choice.
I wasn't aware your boyfriend was on EC too. That definitely makes it very hard to post personal stuff. However I don't think it's going behind his back. You've already had conversations about this issue with him before and EC is an anonymous website. So even if he knows, nobody else will know your identities. From an outsider perspective it seems like both of you have different goals in life. You're both good people who want different things and that is how it goes sometimes unfortunately. If he is downright unwilling to make compromises then you'll both be spinning your wheels until the issue reaches a boiling point. Without compromise you can't adapt or change according to the situation. It will literally force you to make limited choices. I know that is the last thing you want to hear and I'm sorry. Your health and mental health come first and you shouldn't have to suffer for the sake of peace.
How important is it to you to be the top sometimes? Presumably he satisfies you in other ways and you don’t just bottom? But I do understand how unsatisfying it is not to get what you want, even if you’re getting plenty of other enjoyable things (basically my life right now). Do you think if you got to top someone else, and he didn’t get involved at all, would that be something you’d be OK with? Or is it the idea of you being with someone else also something you’d have a problem with?
Chillton - he's not on EC, I'm just paranoid about him finding out how hard this is for me. We had a massive falling out last night where I completely acted out, which was on me, and we've calmed down and had a relatively normal day today. But I'm really not ok inside at all. Just to clarify, what do you mean by we both have different goals in life? In many many ways I think we're a good team and could work but sexually there are definitely some concerns, emotionally too. JT1999 - It's not 100% important that I top. But I know that I pretty much will never be able to top him. Which eliminates half of my sexuality. And nope, I just bottom. That's literally all I do. I don't want to go into too much detail on here and be inappropriate but yeah I do most of the pleasing. I'd rather see someone else independently because then the image of him topping someone else and being in a state of absolute pleasure wouldn't be burned into my mind any more than the imaginary scene I'm playing over and over lately already is.
Hi there! Reading over the thread and keeping in mind what you have stated before, I wonder, what are the 'red lines' for you in your relationship? Has one been crossed? It strikes me that you have mentioned a couple of times or so that you had a falling out with your boyfriend, and blamed yourself for it. It takes two people to build a relationship and of course give and take is a must in any good relationship. It is okay for there to be bit of an imbalance at times but if there is a prolonged imbalance, this is where things could become strained. You mentioned: What are your 'emotional' concerns?
It's just a figure of speech, I'll try to explain it the best I can. It's probably not universal in the UK. All I meant is you both have a very different outlook on life. An open relationship will take you on a very divergent path and goal than a normal closed relationship. Sometimes people work well together but want different things out of life, and the relationship may end as a result by no one's personal fault. I'm not saying you should break up with him or give up, but if he isn't willing to compromise then it leaves you with limited choices to work with. I'm sorry if my advice seems indifferent. I can be very blunt at times. I think your health and mental health should come first before any relationship.
He sounds like a selfish lover. I’m not sure if you can compare much between two guys and a straight couple, but he sounds kinda like my first boyfriend. Maybe TMI but I got barely any touching, never any oral, just sex which was OK but never did the trick for me, and he stopped when he was done. If I was being really generous I could make the excuse for my ex-boyfriend that maybe he just didn’t know what he was doing, we were both 16 after all. But you can’t really say that when it’s two guys. He knows what equipment you’ve got and what feels good. Even if you’re not getting to top (which is fair enough if he isn’t into bottoming), you should be getting your needs met IMO.
Sorry for not replying, sometimes it's hard to find the time. Mirko I think trust and openness are boundaries for me and these have been crossed even if the crossings are only minor in some ways. My emotional concerns are mainly how disconnected I feel from this situation to be honest. Chillton you're absolutely right about open relationships, they scare me to be honest. And thank you for being so blunt, I need people to be blunt with me sometimes. And thank you JT1999, that makes me feel validated. Honestly I don't know what the future of this relationship holds but sex has completely slowed down, its once a week if that, and when it does happen its not always very satisfying. Which sounds awful I know. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be a crappy person and call my partner bad in bed which isn't what I'm saying but I definitely don't feel satisfied in that way as things currently are in this relationship.
