My Mom and Aunts are Stressing Me Out

TRIGGER WARNING:
Mentions of suicidal ideation, death/fatal accidents/cancer, possibly abusive behavior

It's mostly my mom, but my aunts some too- and I want to scream!

I know I need to clean my room, I keep procrastinating it because it's a depression nest at this point and overwhelming. Cleaning also kind of feels like a waste of my time and always has- I know it's not truly a waste of time but something in my mind really fights that. Then there's just a whole list of internal conflicts piling on top of that- grief, immense dysphoria, a stress response that makes me freak out and start to question my gender despite being pretty sure I'm a trans man, mild dissociation (a feeling like I'm floating above my body rather than in my body), depressive episodes that sometimes involve suicial ideation.

My mom has been on me the past week to clean it, to the point past annoying and absurd. I did at least start cleaning it- but first she gave me a two hour lecture at midnight one night about how I have a video game addiction (which isn't totally true- I often play with my brother and a couple of family members when possible. I'd been trying to get my brother to play most of the week. I also use video games to cope, they help distract me from my sadness). In this rant she said "How would you like it if I didn't do something you wanted me to do for ten months?" What I wanted to say but couldn't if I didn't want to blow up my plans to escape was this: "Oh really, Mom? Try four f***ing years! With intense self hatred and discomfort because you find yourself disgusting and can't change it!" The next morning she took all my games and devices but one because I hid it well. Then even though I start cleaning my room finally, she takes the other one while I'm out of the house feeding my sister's dogs (granted that was taken before I'd started cleaning, but I hadn't even touched it all day except to move it out of the way- and that was a concious choice). Her taking my device- that I paid for myself, and I'm twenty-two- enrages and depresses me. That was one of the ways I got to destress and drown out her transphobia/homophobia and the trash channel that is Newsmax. I want to finish cleaning even less now- I don't want to reinforce the behavior that if she takes my things then I do what she wants. She already did that with my college life and old phone/any way I could call for help when she went through my phone and found out I'm trans/pan- and she got away with it.

Due to us fighting all week, I made her an apology cookie even. I don't like fighting and love my mom still. She even got mad at me for that cookie- saying "I don't need that! You know I'm pre-diabetic/ trying to lose weight!" She made me cry, she apologized but it still hurt like h*ll. I just know she likes warm cookies and wasn't even thinking about any of that.

My family as a whole is close to figuring out that I'm depressed too, which would also possibly blow up my plans to escape. They'll start asking about my life too much (they already do, it would get so much worse). So I have to keep pretending I'm fine.

On top of all this- I find out yesterday that my aunts are trying to set me up with some random guy. I've told them multiple times to not do this type of thing- and reiterated it again last night. The response I get from one of them after explicitly saying that I don't want to be set up right now was, "No, it's time [to be set up/be looking]." I still am attracted to men- but this is severely overstepping. I'm disgusted by them trying to push a man (and eventually having kids) on me.

Just please, help!!

 

One is they'd stop me. They would try to stop me any way they could I believe. They have too much power over me and my emotions. They'll tug at my heartstrings.

Two is finances and my stupidity regarding them. I don't know crap about any of them- my parents have made me feel I can't figure it out on my own either. I worry I can't hold it together as a whole often. I'm already collapsing here- how the h*ll am I surviving out there? Moving with Lydia and my dog will help, but I worry I'll be a burden more than the little brother she considers me. She deserves a much better life than I can offer- so does my dog, and even my bio-family.

Three- I worry I'm in the wrong, and I don't really want to deal with any of this anymore. I'm exhausted with fighting to exist and maybe get a shot to be me. I shouldn't exist anyway. I wish God would just take me already because I have no more courage or strength

 

They'll tell all of my family, and I expect immediate rejection. I can probably never return home, and with reason three they'll shove that in my face.

For the rest you're right

 

Today I felt suicidal but Lydia talked me down. I very much have tunnel vision these days

 

I'm going to finish cleaning my room and that will likely help calm things down some- but I hate to reinforce the idea that taking my things gets her what she wants. I'm just in a lot of pain and this stress and fighting amplifies it- not having the distraction of gaming also forces me to sit with my feelings more (which isn't good at all).

Sometimes I yell at her back, other times I'm just too hurt to bother

 

It's very overwhelming, I'm just trying to live but it's hard to do that when I'm stuck at home so much. I haven't had as much time out of the house and that's putting even more strain on me. I'm hoping I get this full time spot that just opened up here- but expecting it to go to my other part time coworker. By taking my laptop, my mom has currently barred me from applying anyway- my resume is on there. Now it's probably going to look like I applied later than her as well.

Yesterday was a breaking point of sorts- she kept tapping on me while I was drawing, then she stuck the ends of my hair up my nose laughing and saying "Do you remember when you would shove the end of your (clean) spit-up cloth up my nose when I'd fall asleep rocking you?" I withstood it for ten seconds, she kept twisting my hair around in there, it itched so bad it hurt. That was the point where I couldn't take anymore, screamed "screw you!" in response, and went upstairs. She started following me very closely on the stairs, I was afraid she was going to goose me (pinch my butt) and said she better stay back or I'd push her. I went to my room and cried a lot after that, I hate what I did and did go apologize later but I broke yesterday

 

You just reminded me to search through my old photos in the burner phone- I think I have a couple places to look that the domestic abuse people gave me. I kind of feel I shouldn't have asked them for help because they're for those who endure worse- but perhaps the places they directed me can help me. I need to start working with my dog more to get him trained up better.

I should've listened to everyone two years ago and taken the job- moved and such. I feel it's my own fault for being so stupid

 

I feel what I did was a stupid move at least- wish I had a solution to fix all this

 

I do need to leave, and I have been grieving my family. I miss the mom I used to have, and sometimes I get glimpses of her every now and then. I miss seeing my brother every day, feeling like I could tell him (almost) everything. I miss the friends I can't see because of my parents too though. I miss my two friends that were like family who passed away (one from an accident and one from cancer). Staying this long may have been a mistake- but why I wasn't ready is because I was too scared to face all of that. Not sure what I learned out of it though.

I like that saying, never heard it though. You make a good point- no sense in dwelling on that timing.

Thank you for responding at all, all of you.

I don't know that I'd consider it physical abuse more than emotional and a tactic to get what she wants. I was very angry at the time.

I know she won't see me that way- but I worry I'll be one. I care deeply for her, she really is basically my sister- having to have her help take care of me is something I feel she shouldn't have to do. I know the first few months to a year are going to be debilitating and stressful though. Between training my dog to be a house dog rather than outside, actually moving, learning how to go stealth and all that entails, learning how to budget and pay rent, etc.- I'm going to need help with all of that. I need to start building credit so we can get an apartment, but not sure how to do that- I tried getting a credit card and apparently I have no credit history so I was denied. No idea what my credit score is even or how to check without taking a hit to it. I know we'll be renting in my name mainly because we discussed that, and I won't be paying all the bills by myself. Now's the time to be looking though- getting it all sorted.