I just don't belong in the LGBT community

I don't really have any suggestions for you, but I similarly never felt at home in any LGBT type communities. Only here really.

 

I can never be brief, so consider yourself warned.

I grew up in a close, large extended family and expected to get married and have 6 kids, and realizing I liked guys sent me into a tailspin because it felt as though the "community" I identified with suddenly was less of an option, and I wasn't sure what to do. I knew some gay men, but their lives seemed totally incompatible with what I grew up expecting my future to be. Eventually I did marry, to someone with a messed-up family and an abusive first marriage, who seemed to appreciate what I brought to the table. As we neared the 20-year mark I began to realize that her emotional problems were actually affecting me, and I came out to escape more than anything else. I felt bad leaving our daughters but it was a case of putting on my own oxygen mask before I helped them with theirs.

My second brush with the gay community wasn't a lot more positive than it had been years before, mainly because being gay and in the community seems to imply a lifestyle that I'm not part of and wouldn't fit in well with. It's not really meant as a criticism. It's like the old film review joke - "if you are a person who likes this kind of movie, then this is the kind of movie that you will like", I just got the impression that the gay community is mainly about, well, being gay, and bonding over being gay, but even as a teen lusting over other guys in the locker room, that never felt like the overriding factor in who I was, and I felt like being gay made me at risk for losing other aspects of myself that might not be as welcome in the gay community. Politics and religion, for instance.

When I did finally start coming out in my early 50's, EC was a big help and there were a good half dozen or more of us who all kind of binded and formed a tribe of sorts, which was my first "gay community". We were full members and managed to contact each other outside of EC, and I Have to tell you, our experiences were all vastly different. Two of them eventually decided they didn't want to give up their straight lives and families, and are back in the closet, I assume permanently. A few others jumped either into their local gay communities or seemed to declare war on them for reasons of their own. Two of us fell in love sight unseen, eventually met in person and he and I are still together after 10 years, with almost no involvement in our local gay communities whatsoever, but we're well established as a couple and are quite happy. I also had a social media friendship with a 30-ish guy who also didn't feel like the community spoke for him, and he met a guy under unexpected circumstances whom he has since married. We have all had very different experiences.

There are many, many "shades of gay". Some guys embrace it as soon as they feel it. Some of us, like me, weren't sure what the heck to do about those feelings, and even though I was not a "hunting and fishing" kind of guy (and people were not surprised when I finally came out), I lived like a straight guy and never stepped out on my wife. And did you know that there are guys fully invested in their straight lives, who don't even remotely consider themselves gay, but have occasional sex buddies for assorted reasons? And even though they enjoy occasional sex and intimacy with guys, their "community" is the straight one and they're quite content with the way things are.

My point, I guess, is that your community is where you feel at home. Being gay (or being attracted to other guys, if it feels more comfortable saying it that way), is not enough to build a community around for some of us. And that's okay, as long as you understand what you want out of life and where you want to be. If "hunting and fishing" 100% straight-identifying men can find someone to give the occasional BJ to and be perfectly comfortable doing it, it doesn't seem like joining a community is really necessary for you, unless you like the social aspect of it. Coming out is a great opportunity to get to know yourself better and figure out where you really DO belong. It may not be where you expect! There is happiness to be found out there. Be you, go where you want to go, and if you're inclined to look for a guy, to paraphrase something my mom said, "If you want to find someone to love, picture them and what they would do, and go where you think they would be likely to go." Good luck!

 

Like you I have also had a hard time throughout my life making friends and fitting in various social circles. People either like you because you're similar to the crowd, or your unique differences that make you stand out. I accepted the fact that I'm not similar to any group or individuals that I've met or heard about. I've always been the outlier. So I stopped worrying about fitting in and trying to be like everyone else. Instead I focused on myself and what makes me unique. I embraced my differences and didn't try to mask them anymore. Unfortunately it can be nerve racking sometimes standing out, because I don't like being the center of attention. However I have slowly but surely peaked people's interest and they like me for who I am and not a carbon copy group member like others. Whether I like it or not my strength is my differences, and I finally joined some social circles. I may stand out but whatever.

In the past I also tried super hard to fit in and put myself out there to find and make social connections. I had many similar frustrations like you expressed in your post and prior posts. I put in 100% effort and creativity but I was met with resistance along the way or accused of ulterior motives. Nothing I did was ever good enough for people. Everyone who indulged in paltry behavior was cheered on and ironically more accepted than I was. I felt like I was being punished for taking the high road.

However I learned a simple fact. People don't care about effort or merit. They care what comes naturally and results. People like their little bubbles and by not matching the vibe while going outside the box puts people off. I don't write the rules or like them, but that is how I have come to understand them.

When I put in effort and tried hard to fit in, it came off as try-hard to people and forced. It felt unnatural to them and I unknowingly bumped many resentful elbows. People also don't want to see you try, or try to do the right thing because it is tedious and boring. They want to skip to the end and see your results and the fruit of your labors. I set my expectations way too high and people didn't like it. So I lowered the bar and put minimal effort in and did what felt natural to me. Now I'm more socially accepted than I have ever been. Basically It's like people just want the answers to the math homework instead of showing them how to find the answers themselves. They just don't care. (Hopefully that makes sense to you and I can go into more detail if you want. I just wrote the simplified version here so it did not drag on for multiple paragraphs.)

 

EXACTLY!!! People sense when you're trying too hard or are not being true to yourself, and it puts them off. If you don't belong, it probably means you need to find the place you DO belong.

 

That is also an excellent point but it's not exactly what I was driving at. Some people judge a book based on its cover if you don't adhere to a certain social etiquette. If you don't address people in a natural manner and show them results rather than merit, then it will lead them to misinterpret your intentions or mischaracterize you.

 

I think a more relevant question, Lottaotter, is what do you do? What do you like doing? You've listed a whole load of things that you're not into but what is the point in getting yourself worked up over stuff that wouldn't make you happy anyway?

I mean, on a very basic level - what sort of music do you like? I bet you will be able to find someone (perhaps in the town where you live) with whom you will be able to bond with over that music.

There you go - that's a challenge!

Hugs, Beth x

 

I agree with the opinions above. It's not about fitting LGBTI community in your lifestyle, but putting your true self into the LGBTI community. I personally dislike a lot how in some aspects of the community it defines itself excluding what doesn't fit with labels. I understand the need to do that for self-protection, but I don't agree with it. I grew up in a straight community, and most of my friends are straight. I put all my efforts to hide myself when I was a teen, I admit it, but I'm not "queer". My interests are not all related to gay stuff: I love "gay music", but also classical, rock, techno, folk, industrial... I don't know any gay TV shows or realities or gossip. I do gym, but also fencing. I don't know anything about sports and cars, and I love bookbinding and handwork. I love nature and travelling, but also action films and comic books and videogames. I like drinking, but I'm avoiding it lately and I hate getting drunk, and I'm against drugs. So, who am I? So I "dress up so well as a straight man", as a gay colleague told me? Or am I gay enough, as my straight friends tell me? I used to like being "in the middle", as if it made me special. But it doesn't work like this. I've learnt that you are as you are, and that's all. And any try to label it, and specially to make it fit in a community, doesn't work, as it could seem that brings you and identity, but at the end it could limit you. So... be yourself. Your sexuality is defined by who you love, who you like, who are you attracted to. And not by how are you.

 

I'm gay but I don't like bars, pop music or anything stereotypically gay. I spend most of my time playing ice hockey, rock climbing and riding my mountain bike. I would suggest you find a hobby and see if there is a gay group for it and that way you can make friends. I am a member of a gay climbing club

 

What can you do? Embrace it. You think smoking is good for you? Taking drugs? Regularly drinking too much? Sleeping around excessively? No. You be you. If people choose to do whatever that's fine but there's no such thing as the gay community honestly. It's a myth. Everyone is unique and the best thing you can do for yourself is just be yourself and not try to be like anyone else.

 

I can relate. I also don't smoke, drink alcohol, party and I'm not polyamorous. I'm a feminine looking woman who likes other feminine looking women. I don't fit in the "butch lesbian" stereotype. It's hard finding gay places that fits my interests. In my city there are lesbian clubs for these ones who likes partying, sports, music and knitting. I'm neither of these ones. I likes drawing and painting. I'm also childfree and petfree - something that makes me a minority in both the gay and straight community where I lives.

There's no point in trying to fit in because it would only make you miserable. It's better being yourself and hopefully find someone with the same interests as you. I'm not willingly to sacrifice my likes and dislikes. That would make me unhappy.

 

I can relate. Especially about parties and politics. It's hard for me to find any LGBT+ groups that I could fit in with.

How do you find rock climbing clubs? That sounds seriously cool.