I guess I just feel like I don't know who I am

Yeah, this sounds like the bargaining stage of the stages of change. For me, as I began to explore my feelings more, I became more confident in how I was feeling. For a long time, I tried to go through any identity than transgender. Even when I realized I was trans I went through a ton of transgender identities. As frustrating as it is, it just takes time to figure things out.

 

Lol, yeah. That does not help at all. I hated this part, it took me some time to finally accept it. And then even longer to start socially transitioning. It's hard because society has a negative view on trans people so that influences the decision making process.

 

Before I came out, I was very confused and my heart and doubts were pulling me in many different directions. I was stuck in place and couldn't move forward no matter how hard I racked my brains and searched my feelings. But I realized that was the problem in of itself. There is only so much you can do inside your own head or bubble. You have to make the fantasy a reality. You have to put yourself out there and seek those answers out. You have to confront yourself and ask the hard questions. You have to challenge yourself to take action and push yourself.

 

I think nearly every trans person goes through this early on after their initial revelation. I certainly did. For a few weeks I let the idea 'settle'. I did research, read about it, joined EC and dug around loads of the old threads on here. It was only after that that I started to come out to people, one by one, face to face. It was after one of those first coming out experiences that I heard my new name spoken for the first time.

That was my rubicon moment; the point of no return. The feelings in my heart, the smile on my face and the knowledge that I've always been female, indeed have always been Beth told me everything I needed to know.

And as the late Mr Bowie once sang, 'the moment you know/ you know, you know.'

Hugs, Beth x

 

I get it, sometimes I feel ‘what if I am faking it’ or ‘what if it’s just a phase?’, with the gender in reverse.

 

I have some thoughts off the top of my head but forgive me if it's random or all flooding together at once.

what are some small goals and steps you can take to understand your sexuality. You can go to a boutique and get your nails done and learn how to do makeup. You can dress trans in the privacy of your home or go to a couple towns over. Find trans support groups and they can share their experiences. Go out on some dates or come out to a trusted friend. Work towards your body shape you want to achieve. Be more expressive with your emotions. Through every day observation picture yourself in the shoes of female friends, family, acquaintance, or strangers. What would you do similar and or different. Focus on the feminine traits you may already have or are masking and explore them more. What are your strengths and weaknesses and what areas can you improve or accept for what they are. Can you picture yourself growing older through different stages in life as a man or women.

 

I can only speak for myself but I've been living as a straight "man" all of my life. People have jokingly called by women's names on and off for years. It gave me anxiety if them finding out the truth.

I have imagined myself a lot of the time as some effeminate weakling that needs to just man up and get down the gym and build myself up. I've even had thoughts in my mind of being Triple H from WWE and taking on the world. I guess that's just that small part of me that wishes I was a man.

But all my life I knew it didn't feel right. Everytime I went clubbing and got "wrecked" I'd fantasize about being an effeminate woman and everything that comes with it. It was the most beautiful feeling I ever experienced and still is. I would come home and dress up in my maids outfit and you work the rest out. I would fantasize about having a sex change.

But despite this, I would continue to lie to myself. Until this November. After losing my parents to ill health, I'd finally had enough. I decided it was time I accepted my gender identity and sexuality.

I'd finally admitted to myself that I was gay / trans and I couldn't go on like this. I went to some charity shops and plucked up the courage to go buy some women's clothes. I now just call them
my normal clothes. It was nerve racking at first. I was scared to death the first time I bought them, but it got easier. One of the dresses I bought was labelled the wrong size. I even went back to the shop and got a refund lol!

I went through a period this month where I tried to deny my feelings again cus I had problems joining this site cus of my phone. But I managed to join today. It worked this time. I am now back out of denial. I feel fantastic. I am gonna cross dress everyday for the rest of my life. I'm currently wearing a tartan mini skirt and blouse and it feels so right. I'm so gay it's unreal and I wanna stay like this forever. I'm a girl trapped in a man's body. I always was.

Sorry for going ott. It's probably for my benefit as well as yours. I've just released my emotions about how I feel. Feel great now ❤️

 

Not feeling so great today lol. It's up and down with me