Married for decades and now realize I’m bi

I am trying to choose the words I can use to tell my therapist and subsequently my wife to say that I am bisexual. I can’t deny that of myself and can’t stop thinking about being with a man at the same time maintaining my strong relationship with my wife. I don’t think she will be very receptive so I have to convey this over some time and with kid gloves.

Is there any advice to be had out there?

 

I would underplay it a little bit if I were you - I hate to say it but the vast majority of straight women are far less tolerant of bisexual men than straight men are tolerant of bisexual women. And even if your wife is tolerant and accepting, I wouldn't be surprised if she found it a bit of a turn off, and at the end of the day you still have a relationship to maintain. Make sure you continue to let her know that she's attractive and wanted cause it counts for a lot.

 

Thanks for the great advice. I agree straight women are less tolerant of a bi husband than opposite. I will continue to flood her with words of love bc I do…..to the moon.

I am thinking if therapist identifies me as bi, I will have to talk to my wife about it and at that point we will have to work things out.

Being in this situation is tearing me apart.

 

Just hang in there you and me are in the same boat together

 

When I came out to my wife, I repeatedly stressed that I still loved her very much and that I would remain faithful to her. That helped immensely in soothing the pain she felt in learning of my same-sex attraction.

 

So you came out as bi and have never acted on it?

 

My apologies niceguy65, I didn’t mean to sound crass with my question. I only ask it bc I’m curious for my next steps in my marriage. I want to come out but if I do I would like to act on it if possible.

 

Hi Lance. Good to hear you. I married a girl in 1989, fitting in, I so realise now, with what was expected of me. I came out to my wife 7 years ago and it was a horrible experience. Eventually she pronounced that I must be bi, and to keep the peace, I acquiesced. It's not true, I know know, so I got onto Gr**** last year and have begun to make some progress. Family affairs keep me in place for now, but I'm aiming to be a freer man soon..I'm now 63. What a world! It does seem that I'm attracting guys and that is boosting my ego a lot. Hey Ho. I'll look in soon, see how you're doing. Ken

 

Hello. I'm 63, married 34 years and I'm gay. 2 great kids. A terrible coming out to my wife 7 years ago she has categorised me a bi. I acquiesced to keep the peace. Been meeting guys on ****. Some nice guys, most in same predicament. One day this is going to blow up in my face. I'd love to talk. K

 

Hi Maldoone, Thx for writing back to me and giving me support to come out.

Did u come out to wife as gay and she dialed it back to bi?

I know what u mean about giving in to make them happy but it is tearing me apart as my situation is I’m bi, wife found stash of lingerie and a few toys and she is saying I just wanted attention when I went downtown to buy those items.

I think she thinks if she admits I’m gay or bi she will lose all what we have and she will be alone again at a later age.

How was **** experience?
Does she know ur on it?

I have my second therapy session on Monday so I hope he will help me deal with coming out.

 

Hi Lance,
Thank you for getting back to me.
Yes, I did come out as gay and after some weeks of turmoil. it did get dialed back. Then there was lots of attention in bed, then it stopped.
Now I'm the one buying sex toys and hiding them in old electrovcs boxes that I keep because someday I might eBay the camera and I'l need it...
I know she just wouldn't understand the need for the toys.
Same on he stranded at an older age thing. She was betrayed by her only sibling over her parent's will and so she's lost that one connection, not to mention doubts about her parent's motives. So I'm the Rock in her life. Yet I don't feel like an anchor point. And through **** (EC changed this the last time I overstepped), I've met someone who wants more than a hookup. And he's 23 years younger than me. And I felt a physical tremor when I first saw him. Well, that's a story still to develop.
Upshot is, I want to go, but I can't. I have no idea what she will do, and I fear the worst. Anyway, that's my basket of troubles to deal with. I need the therapist... But I live in the UK and we don't do that here.
**** has been fine. I was warned by online chats to expect rejections and I got some of that - the sudden death of the 'Profile no longer available' is quite a shock as it usually comes with no explanation. So once you get past that experience. and get used to it, then things are better. I've met a few, and funnily enough, a couple of guys that just talked. And we're still talking, having switched to WhatsApp. So, unexpected and great fast friends who talk the hidden language that I need to exchange sometimes. After all, the LGBT world is beyond the scope and comprehension of most straights. Or so I've come to find.
The great thing about **** is the anonymity. No need for pictures on a public profile. Those can be given later. And the NSFW - not safe for work - pics will shock, sometimes. But the best guys don't send those..
And then, there's the gay sauna. Now that was an experience I will try again...
Best K

 

Sorry Lance forgot to say NO she does not know I'm on it. I'd be out on my ear on a cold street. Reality, eh?

 

I hear ya Maldoone, that’s too bad.
My wife recently made a new girlfriend which she is meeting tonight to chat about similar topics. Apparently her husband cheated on her and they are now separated. My wife thinks me keeping my kink a secret until she found it was a form of cheating. I don’t think so but that’s her prerogative.

 

Hi Lance,
I've asked myself if I'm really cheating on someone who expects everything from me but doesn't give that vital thing back. So my conclusion is no, I'm not really. But it doesn't matter because staying is a choice and I do have the choice. so I guess I'm staying alive and comfortable with a roof until I see something better. But, yolo. My friend on ****turned into a scam. it's everywhere. Some e commerce thing i decided I didn't want to get into and he vanished. Well, maybe he wasn't real anyway.
I can't understand the idea that you're cheating bc you have a bit of kink that she isn't into. But then, my wife hasn't found my stuff. That's a conversation I never want to have....
I've been on ec for > 5 years now and gone from running scared to feeling better in my skin now so I guess it's working. Long time ago a girl I met in LGBT help in Edinburgh who'd left her husband for another woman told me to just get on with it. There's never going to be aperfect time. Will I jump or will I be pushed? Great question.
G'night k

 

Not to hijack this thread but yesterday my wife is thinking and told me she is worried im gonna cheat/leave because I want something she can't give me also asked me if I wanna be with her or a man sad part is I paused and thought about it

 

Thx for feedback and encouraging words Maldoone. My wife said the fact that I was keeping it a secret was the cheating part. I don’t think if I came to her and said I want to dress like a sissy and use toys on myself she would be more than happy to oblige. Therapist says I gotta do what makes me feel good. My wife thinks therapist didn’t really say those exact words. She wants me straight as an arrow but I’m crooked like a boomerang. I love women but also love a man’s body. Sooo torn!

 

Jake, I know what ur feeling and mean about what a women can’t give us. It is so difficult to walk in our shoe (or heels in my case) that we lose our sense of reality and live on in fantasy…….that is where I am these days. I hope therapy can help me deal with it.

 

glad im not alone and you get it to

 

Hi Lance. I am going to steal that line! "Crooked as a boomerang!" That's priceless!
I was so torn 5 years ago but thanks to EC, ***** and numerous other spaces, I'm not questioning, I know what I must do to as your therapist says, happy. Just a few practicalities to sort out...Kx

 

Wife and I are having much better days with my honesty and her understanding. Went into a sex shop. I bought a prostate plug that can be controlled over Internet. She bought a vibrator with little lips that suction her. We tried them as soon as got home. Loved them both. She mounted me with mine in. So hot.

Amazing day, when we got home she was doing laundry and I started asking about washing my lingerie with oxyclean. She helped me with it then washed lingerie. So amazing.

And then to top off an amazing day, I had her help me pick some bras from Xd. Soooo hot. She even measured me for bra. 36” bra band. Can’t wait for bras to arrive.