After spending time with family and friends at Christmas I am now back in this miserable, snobby city I live in. I hate it and I have no friends here. I am sick of all the advice people vomit up online about how to meet people: 1. Go to groups and events 2. Colleagues 3. Get a dog 4. Talk to strangers 1. What groups and events? There are barely any. Meetup.com is dead. There were some art events that appealed to me but not the £80 price tag. Guess friends are only for the rich... And I'm not good at sport, so that's out. Oh and I don't play video games or board games (also bad at them). So those options are off the table 2. My colleagues are great, but women in their 60s tend to devote every waking moment to running around serving their children and husbands, so no time for socialising. 3. Get a dog? Do you know how much that costs? And what about when I'm at work? And what about that I can only afford to live in a one-room flat? It's so thoughtless to just spew this kind of advice into the world. It comes from a place of utter, utter privilege. 4. Hahaha hahaha in the UK? Yeah, no I don't think so. In the area I grew up in people stop and chat to strangers but here where I live now? You'll be ostracised as a freak. The fact is I'm already a social outcast for not doing drugs and for being single. Coupled-up people make it their mission to exclude single people in my experience. Oh and I've tried LGBT groups and apart from not feeling handsome or rich or educated enough for them, they were the most cliquey and exclusive groups ever. Horrible experience. My country simply doesn't have these events and opportunities for meeting people like low-cost community college courses, plus the LGBT scene is bitchy and exclusive. I'm fed up. I am even considering quitting my job and moving home without a job to go to. And no, I can't afford therapy anymore either.
Have you considered volunteering? An lgbtq site would be great, but getting outside yourself might help. Seeing that other people have it much worse might help you become a more positive thinker and improve your outlook on life. Good luck.
Did something in my post bother or upset you? I'm genuinely asking because I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt about the way you worded your response (I really am...). I have been trying my whole shitting life to be a more positive thinker.
Hi lottaotter I been a loan since Nov 2021 when my family left the house on their own choice and own free will. The feeling of loneliness is getting to me as well up to a point where I cannot coup with it especially on Sundays. I feel your pain for true friends. You can chat to me
I've been thinking about your post and how to respond to it all day, Lottaotter. I can hear the frustration. So I'm going to try and not give you any trite advice that you might have heard before. How do we form friendships? I mean, good friendships, people who you can turn to in times of need, when you're at your lowest? Shared experiences. When I look back it's these that have provided the fire that have forged the irresolute clay. Going abroad with my sports team in Bristol, working on a project that we knew was worthwhile, working at a company we all believed in. It's those bonds that have remained strong. It means that after years apart I have something in common with someone, a well we can both draw upon. So....how do you, Lottaotter, reorientate yourself towards a place where you can start enjoying those shared experiences, create memories and thus friendships? In my experience they've arrived via either a) work, b) a hobby or c) a passion. That's my tuppence' worth for today, anyway... Sending out love and strength to you, my friend. Beth xx
I understand your frustration. As I have stated in prior posts, I'm impressed with all the hard work you have put in to try and make connections and relationships with people. At this point I don't think it's you but it's everyone else. Unfortunately you're just stuck in a harsh city/college environment. I would suggest saving all the time, love, and effort you're putting into other people, and invest it into yourself instead. It might be a little lonely but you can put yourself first for a change until you graduate and move to another environment. Just sit pretty, love yourself, and watch the world burn down around you. I'm glad you got time to spend Christmas with your family and friends.
Thanks. I have tried several groups in the past, but intended up getting excluded after a while. I don't know why, and I don't have anyone I can ask why. I always felt the people they were above me somehow, maybe because of where they grew up and how much money they had. I have been feeling like my hobbies aren't really that good or normal, since most groups are for sport, video games or 'nerdy stuff'. There are some people my age at work too, but they seem to not want to know me. They seem a bit put-off by me, and hesitant to engage with me. I don't know why. People older than me are so much easier to talk to! I also get on better with straight people, who seem to be less uneasy around me. I also don't know why.
No, I'm not bothered or upset, but I am sad for you. If you don't do something you haven't tried before, nothing is going to change.
Hey lottaotter, I know how it feels being very lonely. I don't get as frustrated with it, though. Even having one friend in real life and bunch online and family around haven't help me feel it less. I've always felt alienated from the rest of the world. I'm also quite introverted, so I think this helps somehow, that I don't seek the company of others as much. The first friend I made was in vocational school, after I finished highschool. We met at that vocational school and we've been friends now for many, many years. And she has another friend. We three sometimes get together to chat in a cafe, but it's rare, since she lives in a countryside and I live in a city. I made another friend online in another platform, but we stopped talking each other. I really considered her my friend, but I guess I was wrong. I'm still looking for my own space somewhere within people, beside family and relatives. I have never once in my life dated either. I live a very lonely life that is revolved around my home and family. University is something very important for me to attend. I wanted to meet more people and get out of my home enviroment, but was also intrested in pursuing this career path. Mostly I meet people online, though it don't take the loneliness away. Even right now I don't feel happy. I'm actually quite sad, when I'm thinking of my loneliness and wanting friends who would be like me and would understand me. In this tiny city it's really hard, because we have no lgbt+ center or any lgbt+ croups. I'm not a club person either, even though we do have queer friendly clubs. It's also akward to go alone there. There were times, where loneliness became too much. In these cases I didn't stay alone in my room. I went out. I just wanted to be around people. I usually went then to a favourite cafe to drink coffee and have a cake and people watch or was reading in the library. It all helped me to distract myself from it. It's not really advice, but maybe you get some ideas from it and that you're not actually alone with this, but I don't know how much comfort this gives you. Biggest hugs.
Oooh that's got me thinking! What are they? - Underwater hang gliding? Non-competitive ferret fancying? Seriously, it doesn't matter. Whatever they are, there will be someone else in the world - and hopefully your city - that shares in them. And with the Internet it's easier than ever to link up with those like-minded souls. Hugs, Beth xx
Do you actually think I haven't tried SO MANY things before already? My advice is don't become a therapist... Depressed? Ugh! Get OVER yourself and see how other have it worse than you! Stop moaning and whining! Mods do your worst, I really can't be f*cked anymore with this.
Hi there! Knowing that you have struggled for some time to connect with others and build community for yourself, it might be worthwhile to take some time to focus on yourself and on the things you would like to accomplish. Sometimes it can start feeling lonely and frustrating but also remember that you have friends and family that you can connect with. Not sure if you have tried it, if not and while it might take some extra effort to have an online chat or arrange a time to connect and have a more meanigful conversation with a friend, it could still help with not feeling all too alone. It's definitely not the same as connecting with someone in person, but it could be a bridge as it were.
Thanks. My main goal at the moment is to get a job in my hometown and move back, where I have friends and family. I think I will call it a day in the aim of trying to make connections where I live now. That's the crazy thing- I have plenty of friends at home, and I get on with everyone at work... Yet my efforts to connect with others have all failed.
Not going to do anything here. In any relationship, whether online or in real life you need to communicate with people, even if their suggestions don't feel helpful to you, then it's important to communicate it all properly. We don't allow being rude. Even if someone want's to become a therapist they learn in school, whether it's suitable for them or not, not based what someone says online. Everyone have their own approach. One thing why I had a fallout with my friend is that she said I don't understand and I didn't, but I tried my best to understand and it all hurt a lot. No one is saying that someone else have it more worse. People are unique and so are what we deal with. When people give advice they try to see, if it's helpful any way. Not everyone knows what you have tried before or haven't. No one is a mind reader. Were all on your side lottaotter. We're not here to judge you or say that your problems aren't important, because they are. Were here to help you.
This is the last I'll say on the matter, but why am I the only bad guy here in this situation? Does no one else think the way it was worded to me was very rude? Really? I'd urge everyone to read it aloud and think if you'd say it that way in real life, face-to-face. I certainly wouldn't. Whatever. *shrug*
And can I also add: As someone who was bullied throughout childhood, and continues to be bullied at work, I promised myself I will NEVER allow myself to be walked over. Yes, I answer back to rudeness. It's the only way that I can see. Being nice got me nowhere. There are more nasty, obnoxious behaviours in this horrible world every day. It's only getting worse and it won't stop getting worse. I've spent a fucking fortune on different therapists. I've posted a million times on here. I AM NOT CURABLE I AM BROKEN. I AM AFUCKING BROKEN MESS AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO FINALLY FUCKING SNAP. I. AM. FUCKING. DONE. WITH. IT. ALL. The only thing that has ever worked for me was medication, and I'm not having that fuck up my sex drive for the rest of my life when I hardly have any anyway. I'm already on the asexual spectrum so I'm treated like a freak, especially by LGBT people. The NHS is a useless heap of shit now so I couldn't get a prescription for more medication. Fuck this life, fuck my life.
What they said: Have you considered volunteering? An lgbtq site would be great, but getting outside yourself might help. Seeing that other people have it much worse might help you become a more positive thinker and improve your outlook on life. Good luck. He said this. It was a suggestion. It's all about perspective. They don't know what you have tried or not. Maybe they could have worded it differently, but I wonder if even then you would have liked it or not. I see how the wording seeing if others have it worse may have seemed very rude to you, but when you feel bad, then many things do cloud your judgement ability. It have happened to me too. You also don't know that persons feelings on the subject. They might also struggle with it or seen bad situations where to him it does seem like others have it worse. There are different perspectives. It's something that it's needed to be taken into account. It's also very okay to not react to it at all. It's not about taking sides. It's about communication. We're not making you be the rude one here. We want to help. I do see how you're frustrated and feel like you've tried everything already, but it's important yo analyze this too. Have I really tried everything? What else could I do? Is there anything I could try again? Would things be different, if I changed my perspective? You got this lottaotter. No one here is an enemy.
I think you have a great goal here, and from the sounds of it you are already working towards it. It sounds like you have good if not strong relationships with your coworkers, which in some ways could also be helpful in bridging the social connection in that every chat, every non-work related conversation you have with them could help with gaining the feeling that you do have some social interaction where you currently live. It's not the same for sure, and there are limitations of course but building on existing conversations could perhaps do the trick for now.
I feel for you. I am going through the same issue right now. The older I get, the harder I find it to make friends, especially LGBTQ+ friends. I live in a small rural area so there isn't a lot of options. I wish there where at least better virtual spaces to do some and maybe there is but I just don't know about them. It be nice just to have friends to chit chat with throughout the day or week.
