Feeling and accepting being gay when drinking

You've admitted that and its a big step. For years it was something I knew in the back of mind but I wouldn't admit to myself. It may seem simple but acknowledging this really reset my perspective. I had to accept there was never going to be anything with a woman that came close to sex with a man. I think its possible to condition yourself to get used to doing something but that's different than enjoying it.

Don't worry about being 'normal' or even about accepting or telling others, work first on accepting yourself. The stronger that is the other things will come more naturally. Still hard, but doable!

I don't want to imply that I am some how completely 'cured' of anything you are experiencing, but it's important to compare yourself to where you were. Also, sometimes it feels a little overwhelming to read posts by people here who seem happy being gay, or who are out, or who have no baggage anymore and think "That could never be me!"
That is how I felt when I came here. I never thought I could get past the shame and guilt or that feeling of hating myself about even fantasizing about sex.
Before I was out to myself, I got drunk and had a hookup. I felt horrible afterwards and for years that I was somehow 'stained' after that encounter. Not to get graphic but last year I gave oral and wanted to swallow, and did. For weeks afterwards, I kept thinking about... what a beautiful erotic sensual experience it was! If you had asked me when I first came here if I would ever feel that way I would have not believed you.

Yes. Your whole body is telling you who you are. Resisting it is an exhausting battle. Accepting and acknowledging that is an incredible rush of joy and happiness.

 

By the way, your posts have been helpful and will help others too. One reason I have probably replied so much is we have had such similar feelings and experiences, and it reminds me (and lots of other people here) that we're not alone. So thank YOU!

 

So many women have bad experiences with hookups with men and feel terribly about it afterward yet they keep on doing it, its a tough cycle to break. Glad I never went down that rabbit hole. I guess its probably the same with gay men and hookups.

 

Before I accepted myself, I got drunk and hooked up with a guy and I felt ashamed and guilty for ... years... Like many here, I only accepted myself when drinking, and you're right the shame keeps the negative cycle!

When I first came here, I was still not convinced I was gay and certainly not ready to accept and feel good about it, I couldn't imagine feeling good about it. Now that I have accepted myself I drink less (no more binging!) and I certainly wouldn't do anything that would degrade me.

I was worried that I would feel bad after orgasming and that the guilt would come back, but I was surprised that it didn't and I snuggled with my partner after something I never did with women!

 

I can't remember if I asked you before on another thread or if it was someone else, but have you had much experience with women? There was about two years of my life where I didn't have anything sexual with guys and despite not pursuing it I still used to think about it, even sometimes when I was with a woman.

There's nothing bad about liking both. My desires seem to fluctuate between preferring my boyfriend and preferring women. I'm not sure if bi guys get that same sort of fluctuating desire or if thats just a female thing or maybe even just a 'me' thing.

 

I guess my setup is a bit unusual, and we didn’t get into a relationship in the most straight-forward way. I’ve known him for over 6 years and for the first almost 3 years, we were more casual than proper boyfriend/girlfriend, as I was living in another city. I met him around the same time I was leaving my home town. He was working a lot back then and very busy, he didn’t want a relationship, wasn’t really on the market, but we just clicked so well and always made time for phonecalls and met up every few weekends. He took me on holiday quite a lot and I always made myself available when he needed a plus 1. I’d told him I was bi right at the beginning and he was cool with it - well, it was a fairly typical confident straight guy reaction, two girls is hot, that sort of thing. In the early days I did find it annoying that he didn’t seem to take my sexuality all that seriously. But we’ve both grown up a lot since.

So although it wasn’t a proper relationship back then I had made it obvious I had zero interest at all in other men but women were definitely something I was interested in. He was happy with that - I think he found it a bit of a turn-on tbh! I always used to give him the details and share the odd photo with him. And then after I moved back home and we became serious, I just kinda carried on as before. It was only more recently maybe about a year ago, when we started talking about moving in together that we had a proper discussion about my sexuality, fidelity and his expectations about how that fits with our relationship going forward. Essentially nothing has changed. He’s happy for me to have a bit of ‘girl time’ with a friend whenever it suits me as long as it doesn’t interfere with us.

I don’t know how anyone would go about asking an already exclusive partner for something like this because it seems like a massively unreasonable thing to ask. I’m lucky I just kinda fell into it.

 

Also, I have a huge amount of respect for him for being so accepting of me. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like a massive hypocrite because if it was the other way around and he was bi and I was his straight girlfriend, I wouldn’t be happy at all with something like that. It would make me feel very uneasy about our future together. I feel bad just typing that but it is true, I don’t know how he is so at ease with it.