Hello everyone, Reasons why I might be trans: 1. When I was 6-8 years old I was put in a mixed gymnastics class and it wasn't long before I found myself wishing I could wear what the girls wore. Instead of my boring sneakers and shorts + t-shirt. But I felt emberassed about it. Because that was what girls were supposed to wear. Not a boy like me. Still, I wanted to wear it so badly. That I very Nervously and scared. First bough tmyself those gymnastic shoes for girls and then later on the gymnastic suit for girls. I kept them well hidden underneath my bed. But whenever I had to chance . I would wear them. Untill I outgrew them and I threw them out. Deep down I didn't want to. But I Decided it was just a phase. 2. When I was an 13-14 year old boy. I was sitting at school thinking about how much I would like to be a girl instead of a boy. Quickly that thought process went into how I would get bullied and rejected for being a guy pretending to be a girl. Which left me wishing I had been born a girl so I could be a girl without being bullied or rejected. But since that wasn't possible at all to me. I thought maybe magic or something could help me in my desperation. So I decided to make a contract with the devil. I wrote down. He could have my soul. If he would make it so that I would wake up the next day as a girl and it would be like I always had been a girl to everyone and anyone. I signed it and took it home with me. I went to bed hoping so badly it would happen. Then I realised nothing was happening. So I decided I probably had to tell God to "Get out" or the devil could do nothing. I did feel bad about curising out god and bassicaly telling him to fuck off. But I wanted the devil to turn me into a natural born girl so much that I did it anyways. A little shook up I went to sleep. The next morning I woke up just the same old boy I had always been. I remember feeling very dissapointed about that and wondering why it hadn't worked. But that feeling was then quickly replaced by the utter fear of burning in hell. So I decided to burn the contract in the hope that would release me from it and left it at that. 3. Just crossdressing in general. I would at times. Mostly in my teenage years. Crossdress myself in my mothers dresses etc. Admiring myself in the mirror. Thinking about how sexy I looked. I always believed this was just a sexual fetish I had. It was also a thing I felt very emberassed about. I would make absolutley sure nobody would see me. Or had any way of knowing I was doing it. 4. I would play this DBZ fighting game and when I was alone. I would play a vs NPC match. The NPC would be Android 18(A Female android) and I would be Goku(The main male atagonist). And I would make a deal with myself If I won I could just continue doing whatever. But If I lost. I would need to become a woman. I always set the NPC to the hardest setting and I would at a regular basis find myself losing to the Android 18 NPC. Loosing to Android 18. I felt a mixture of anxiety and excitement whenever I knew I was gonna lose. Hell, sometimes I would even lose on purpose. I never went further then crossdressing afterwards though. 5. I went through a phase of listening to alot of feminization hypnosis. Watching a lot of sissy videos and captions and it turned me on alot. But after a while I decided that it was just not me and left it behind me yet again. 6. This is about a year ago now. I was cleaning up my hamsters cage and I was overcome with such a strong feeling off wanting to be a woman. Like it was clear as day. There was nothing I wanted to be then a woman. It felt like it would make me so incredibly happy. But all it did back then was bring the idea back into my head. 7. For a while I grew out my hair because I wanted to know how it felt to have long hair and if it looked good on me. I decided to make it short again. because I was a little annoyed with my hair always getting into my face. Though it was mostly fear that made me do it. 8. The last year I have bought myself. Womans underwear, A Bra and two dresses. If which. I bought one in an actual store(It was the scariest thing I had ever done). I had decided I wanted to try out being myself a dress in an actual store. So I went to the city where there also happened to be a market on that day. So I decided. considering i felt very very anxious. I would walk across the market looking for a dress I liked and then (hopefully) muster up the courage to actually buy it. But consdering it was a very busy market place I was just to scared someone would see me. I didn't even want anyone seeing me browsing the dresses. So, at the end of the day. I had the bright idea. That there was a store that sold packaged dresses. No need to browse. and a plastic bag could contain anything. So I went into the store. Went looking for these packagaed dresses and while feeling like Someone was gonna see me and give me a hard time about it. I swiped it, brought it to the self service register(No way in hell was I gonna give it to a cashier, so that they could see I was gonna buy a dress) and bought it. in and out as quickly as possible. I felt so scared. But I also felt so proud of myself for doing it. despite the fear. 9. When I wore one of my dresses and looked at myself in the mirror. I felt so incredibly happy and had this incredible smile on my face. That I just couldn't place. 10. About three weeks ago. I felt an incredible urge to wear my self bought. Whenever I would go to bed. The thought that I wanted to put on my womans underwear instead of my male underwear. I kept putting it off with the thought "No this is not the right time for that". But the thought kept nagging me. Several days later I decided I was ready to try to overcome my fears(I have quiet a few unfortunatley). Becoming feminized being one of them. I would start facing them and not let them scare me off anymore. I was ready for it and still having the thoughts pop up that I wanted to wear womans underwear. I decided that would be my first thing to face. I knew after all. That I wasn't that scared of wearing them at all. So it was a perfect thing to ease myself into facing my fears with. The first few days. It felt a bit scary to be wearing them. But not scary enough to scare me off from wearing them. So, two week on now. I actually feel pretty comfortable wearing them now. I love how soft they are. And I think their lace edges are very pretty. Infact the only time I haven't worn them. The last two weeks. Was when I had to go to the doctor and when I thought about having to wear male underwear. The first feeling that popped up is that I really didn't want to. Why couldn't I just wear my female underwear? I still decided to wear male underwear though. As the doctor would need to be in that region. and I might have to strip. I just didn't want him to see me wearing female underwear. So, Seem pretty clear cut right? I have to admit that as I was typing it out. It did very much sound like I really want to be a woman. But why then. If I constantly feel the urge to turn myself into a woman and it even seems to make me really happy. Does it still scare me so much at times? Am I really that scared of what other people will think of me? Is it my subconcious telling me I don't want to be a woman at all? Is it my other fears getting connected to how I feel about being a woman perhaps? I am just so confused....
Hey there While I can't read your mind and am no expert, it seems pretty clear to me that you are very likely trans. I had similar thoughts when growing up and you did even go so far as to buy feminine clothes (which is a step i still fear). When it comes to feeling scared about wearing those clothes, that might be the fear of being judged for not fitting into the traditional way of expresssing yourself as the sex you were assigned at birth with. But as you already have experienced, if you wear feminine clothes regularly, they become normal to you, so I doubt you don't want to be a woman at all. I hope my thoughts will help you a little in finding your true self.
Hi Crepy, a lot of what you have written had me nodding along in recognition. I went through the same urges of wanting to cross dress, feeling shame and embarrassment about it. Then thinking that it was 'just a fetish' and trying, desperately to forget about it. Then three and a half years ago I had an epiphany. Maybe the reason I had all these stupid feelings about wanting to be a girl, which I couldn't ever ever get rid of no matter how hard I tried, was...I am one. And I always have been. Of course! Suddenly everything made sense. In a sense, the clothes are a distraction. I wear clothes that are traditionally denoted as 'female' because I feel more comfortable in them. It's that simple. I present as female as much as I can (I'm not completely out of the closet just yet), because that's what I am. If you've been grappling with these sort of things internally for a long time, Crepy, the chances are that you're trans. Cis people simply don't think about this stuff. Good luck! Beth x
Here’s my thoughts on your points… 1. You have childhood experiences of wanting to be feminine/ a woman. That’s very common in nearly all trans people, but some become trans without any childhood experience. 2. Again, young person experience of wanting to be feminine. Wanting a religious contract to become female is a bit extreme though, which leans towards gender dysphoria massively. 3. Crossdressing is pretty common among trans people I notice. I also worried about it being a fetish, you can check my first post to see me extremely concerned about it. Please don’t worry about it, it’s nothing but self doubting thoughts. 4. Wanting your in game character to be your gender… Yeah I do that too, it’s probably common with trans people, however I haven’t really asked people about it. 5. Watching pornography like that is just a way of coping with your gender dysphoria, at least that’s how I see it. I used to watch transgender pornography when I was 13-15 as well until I grew out of it, I found it weird. 6. Pretty standard gender dysphoria. I’ve noticed it can lay dormant for a while before a trigger returns it to your mind. 7. Growing out hair to be more feminine… Yeah standard gender dysphoria coping strategy 8 + 9 + 10. Buying outfits and wearing them to relieve gender dysphoria. Not much to say, I’ve said it quite a few times. From what you’ve said, it’s all very typical gender dysphoria. When I keep doubting myself about my identity, I usually ask what if I stay in this male body forever? Chances are, you’ll be disappointed if you don’t transition at some point. It’s only going to cause grief and sadness, the thoughts aren’t going to go away. Self doubt will only grow stronger if you keep questioning yourself repeatedly. If you’re wondering, self doubt about being trans is commonly referred to as imposter syndrome, so I recommend searching around for more resources about that if it continues to trouble you. I notice the exact same patterns that I had. I wanted to look and dress feminine when I was 9-10~. I would frequently crossdress, and eventually turned to pornography when I couldn’t do that anymore. I then stopped then seriously started questioning myself around last year, constantly worrying it’s a fetish, doubting myself at each turn. It got so bad that I made a post because I was so confused. Does that not sounds exactly like what happened/ happening to you? I hope you find peace with your identity soon <3
Hey all, Thanks for all your kind words and thoughts. they are truly appreciated. It's just feels so hard to know for sure.It's almost like I don't even want to know for sure at times. On the one hand all the evidence I wrote down here(and it isn't even all the evidence I have. I forgot to write down alot yesterday). points to me wanting to be a woman. I keep thinking about it. I keep coming back to it. I keep going a step further. I even feel stupidly happy about it when I look at myself in a mirror dressed as a woman. Yet for some reason when I ask myself. So is this what you want? I keep drawing a blank. It makes me feel like I am scared of the answer. Like I don't even want to know for sure. If that makes sense. It leaves me questioning what to do. Why can't I just feel certain one way or another? Why can't I just be: "Would you press the button making you a woman permanently? Yes!"and accept that. Why Do I have to keep being uncertain? I mean I pretty much had my sort of push the button moment. When I decided I would sell my soul to become a girl. As extreme as that moment indeed was. That was pretty much me pressing that button. So why do I still have to continually self doubt everything about myself? Why Can't I just make a decision and be happy? Why am I so scared to choose?
Doubting is a normal process and all part of it, but you will figure it out. Take baby steps. There is no hurry.
From my experience, every transgender person I’ve talked to on here has dealt with feelings of self doubt of their gender. It’s very normal, in fact I would say it’s weird if you don’t. Being scared you make the wrong decision on something big is a common fear. However is not making a decision at all and continuing to be dissatisfied with yourself should be feared more. Like Rain (Rayland) said, you should be patient. Coming to a conclusion on a single night doesn’t happen. It takes longer than that. Maybe write down WHY you self doubt. It might help. I would be interested to hear all the reasons why you don’t believe you might be trans, because there’s overwhelming evidence from your post suggesting the opposite. Remember try to do what makes yourself happy. If wearing woman’s dresses and underwear does, just wear them and enjoy. How about instead of worrying about being transgender, why don’t you just try it? It can be attempting to pass as a woman in real life, or asking someone you trust to try calling you by the feminine. Wouldn’t it help you make a conclusion and stop self doubting? I don’t know your living situation, so I hope you’re able to.
Yea, you're right. Baby steps does tend to work best. But sometimes I just want to get it over with and be happy already. This is a good idea. But I think this runs deeper then the doubts I tell myself. The reasons why I doubt it are the following: 1. I feel like I never felt bad about being a man. So then it would be weird to want to be a woman if I am okay with being a man isn't it? 2. Unless I misinterpreted the signs I don't feel like I've ever been jeaulous of woman. I can find them pretty sure. But that is just me being attracted to woman. But here is why I doubt my own doubts. There is evidence of the opposite quite litteraly in my previously list. I litteraly state things like wishing I had been born an actual woman and feeling happy looking like a woman. While male me has felt misserable for most of his live. So I feel those two reason might just be me being in denial. I think the reasons for me feeling so insecure about this are other reasons: 1. I feel very very scared of what others may think of me. Every time I try to figure out why I feel scared. This one keeps popping up. 2. I hate making decisions. Like litteraly hate it. Even if you just ask me what I want to eat today. I will try to shuff that decision back on to you with everything I got. Because I am going to make the wrong decision anyways. I think these 2 reasons play a much bigger part in why I have such diffculty with it.
Gender dysphoria fluctuates a lot. Sometimes you can be fine and not care all too much about being male, other times you try to make pacts with the devil to make you female (can’t say I’ve done that before lol). It’s not constant, the level of distress caused by it varies a lot. I’m fairly sure you’re implying sexual attraction towards yourself as a woman? There’s nothing wrong with it. I have it. Why wouldn’t all heterosexual men want to be transgender because they like the look of women as well? Maybe not the best logic. Just accept yourself for who you are alright? Worrying about the causes of something won’t fix the problem. Yeah I do as well. I don’t have any advice for this because I don’t know how to fix it myself. There’s only one person who this decision is for: yourself. I can’t make the decision for you to transition, neither can anyone else. Why don’t you follow what YOU want? If you want to be a woman, why don’t you be? I understand being scared of other peoples judgment about the decision. But surely it’s clear to see you’ll be more happy as yourself, the person who doesn’t have to hide and question who they are?
I know that feeling. None of it is easy and questioning and constant doubting is very frustrating. I've been there. But trust me. You will get there. I can't promise you will be happy, but you will figure it out. If it helps any way, then I as well can relate to many things you wrote down. Accepting yourself is hard, because society has given us these toxic ideas how a real man and woman are supposed to be like and stuck us within one box, despite all of us being unique. Gender identity isn't just about how you feel about your gender and body parts, but there is also how you would like the world to preceive you and that includes different aspects too like looks and fashion and behaviour etc. These two things are usually separated from each other. Meaning then identity and self expression.
You all are right. Even though this is hard for me. The only one who can decide. I have plenty stuff to work through and the only way to get anywhere with it is babysteps. So I am gonna go back to the baysteps method I had made for myself. In the hope that I can one day feel some actual clearity. So for now. Thanks for all your help and support. It was truly appreciated and GL on all of your journeys. May you all find true happiness in whatever way that may be.
You'd be surprised how many trans people feel the same way. I mean, I did. I was able to 'get by' as a male, because that's what you do. It's a misconception that trans people have to have dysphoria in order to be trans. In my own case I didn't experience it at all until I recognised that I was female. The realisation came sequentially before the dysphoria. There's no 'wrong' decision. In anything. If you place immense importance on every - single - decision you make in your life then you're cooking yourself up a recipe for stasis with a side course of inertia. So what if choose something and it doesn't feel right? Choose something different next time! Good luck though! Beth x
