Confusing time

Did you resolve the low T? I think its criminal that so many men suffer from this and it seems nothing is done about it by public health authorities.

 

Yes, from everything I read here, it sounds to me like you're gay, and you're mentally getting ready to embrace that, but if someone else tells you instead its not your 'fault'. I was like that when I came here. I wanted people to tell me I was gay so I wasn't the one 'responsible' for it.

It's a scary feeling to step into it, to admit "I want this". It's scary to admit finally that you're not aroused by women. I almost felt sad I could find women so beautiful but not get aroused.

All that is just the feeling of letting go the disguise you've been wearing for years.

If someone else said this to you, would you think they were gay, straight or something else?

 

Hi - no, I did not. Not really.
I've been on just about every testosterone medication you can think of... patches, lotions, underarm creams, even pellets injected into my buttocks. The one that I got the best results from were the injections... but they are very expensive and they result in very high "highs" (awesome) but very low "lows" (literally crying in the car). SO I stopped. It was consuming me. That's when I decided to give up on any sort of romantic life and just "be me". But that got really miserable really quickly.
Now, I am on Chlomid, which is originally for women but somehow stabilizes the testosterone. So I have a "normal" level, but that is just high enough to prevent osteoporosis and other low-T side effects. That's it.

 

The low end of the normal range is better than genuinely low. Mood swings is a known side effect - ask any roid head in a gym.

Lifting weights is also great for improving bone density.

 

I worked out furiously for over a year after my divorce, hoping for a great many things (feeling better, being fit, forgetting the ex-wife, etc.) but then I saw a shirtless picture of myself (taken by my cousin at the beach) after a year of doing everything my trainer told me to... and what I saw was a far cry from what I believed I should have looked like after all that time and effort. To make matters worse... every time that I set foot in the gym, I am bombarded with feelings of inadequacy from seeing all the "roid heads" strutting around looking like Greek statues and lifting ten times what I could ever manage.

YES, I know it was all in my head. But that's how I felt and that's how I fell out of love with the gym. Every now and then I join a gym, sometimes I would hire a trainer that I couldn't afford, and eventually grow tired of it and quit. I can't shake the feeling of inevitable failure (I'm great at that self-fulfilling prophecy).

Honestly, had I taken a different path in my youth, I am certain that today I would be one of those roid heads in the gym pumping myself up to try to deal with the self-esteem and body image dysfunction. But alas, I buried myself in books instead and convinced myself that it would all work itself out somehow.

 

I've always found those 'roid heads' in the gym to be some of the friendliest and helpful people. Maybe troubled too, they all have their reasons for doing what they do. But they're not in there to show that they are better than anyone else, they are in there to be better than the person they were last week, last year etc. It's super hard to put on muscle mass without high T, ask any female. But that's no reason not to do it either, its all upside and zero downside. It took me about 18 months to put 8lb on a ~100lb frame and barely anyone notices the difference unless I'm flexing my abs. But I'm stronger than most women, and on a par with some women twice my weight. I'm probably at something of a plateau now, I do about 10 hours a week of training approx half weights and half running & gymnastics. Its difficult to maintain the motivation while seeing zero progress. But while training can be a struggle, trying to get through life without pushing yourself to do hard things is also going to be a struggle. If you're not used to doing hard things, things that should be easy have a way of becoming hard.

 

Have you dated anyone or anything like that? I met a guy last year on vacation but nothing happened between us. But between EC and my infatuation with the guy I became less intimidated by my attraction to men and much more accepting of it. I still haven't had anything happen yet but at least I don't run away from the idea. I flirt openly with guys.

 

Me too. I’ve accepted I am gay but I’m a devoted married man with a child. One version of myself needs to live authentically as a gay man the other version is my closeted self trying to make a difficult situation work but slowly realizing it’s tougher than I could’ve ever imagined. Hang in there. Don’t wait too long to right things as I have done

 

I put on 8lbs in one day - of pure fat of course
In all seriousness... I do agree that pushing yourself in the gym IS a very worthwhile and important thing (I also really love your end quote. You just gave me something to think about). However - my whole life has been a struggle - mainly a struggle with my low self esteem and horrible body image. Since kindergarten (I kid you not).

So... here's a scenario: let's say that I had been in the gym working hard, eating right, and I'm looking better than ever. My confidence obviously takes a giant leap. THEN, (without a doubt this always happens), I come across an "Adonis". You know those guys; god-like physique, chiseled handsome features, and of course tall. (I'm 5'-6" so fairly short for a guy). In an INSTANT all of that confidence and positive feelings washes away like pollen on a rainy day. It last happened to me a few years before COVID - I was one day looking and feeling really, really good (had been working out), I was wearing a nice outfit... just feeling GREAT... and I'm at a convenience store getting coffee... when this f*cking "Adonis" gets in line in front of me (very tall, blond, blue-eyed, handsome and muscles bulging out of every part of his body). Can I tell you... it was like getting punched in the gut. Literally I went from 100 to 0 in a heartbeat. I don't do this on purpose, it's a gut reaction probably stemming from decades of wanting to be "that way" (taller, better looking, muscular, handsome, etc.). But it's a real thing, and it's one of the reasons why I shy away from the gym. Those "roid heads" don't really "intimidate" me as much as they fill me with self-loathing and depression.

 

I used to be really self conscious of my body. As a teenager I was pretty flat and and even now I'm still on the small side. It was upsetting watching all my friends getting more and more shape. But I'm over it, there's nothing to be gained by wishing things were different. I've put a bit of muscle on my pectorals and my chest looks about as good as its ever going to look. I eventually got a bit of shape to my hips and I have a great belly and legs through sheer hard work. I'd like a rounder bum but who wouldn't? There's a girl friend of mine, she has such an incredible pair of boobs that they look out of place on her, as she's only about 5ft and not at all fat. She lives on McDonalds, pizza and ready made sandwiches and does no exercise. But she has a perfect, slim, sexy figure and she's pretty too, even her skin is pretty much flawless despite the terrible diet. I could get jealous - I've had to work hard for what I have and it has come to her with no effort. But instead I just try to be happy for her. I'm trying to bring her around to the idea of eating well and exercising especially if she still wants to look good in ten years time, but she has very little ability to consider the long term over the short term in any aspect of life. She's a relentless pleasure-seeker and lazy about anything requiring effort. That mindset is a pretty bad card to be dealt.

The way I see it, you shouldn't really compare yourself to other people. If you get those gut reactions you should try and resist them. We were all dealt different hands, thats life. No point getting upset about it, it isn't going to change anything. If you're making the best of what you were given you should be pleased with that. If you were born healthy in any Western country, it's like hitting the jackpot on the global scale. Basically 99% of all people that ever existed anywhere in the world have it or had it worse than we do. I try and keep that in mind if I ever get in a bit of a downer about something.

 

I suffer too from a poor body image. With men, it manifests as shyness and bashfulness but I can take showers with men, etc.
Actually I know my body is average shape, average weight. I love my boobs and ass. Here is the problem: when I am with women I have NO self-confidence, far worse than I am with men. I always think their body is better and they won't want me, even if they are not good-looking.
Maybe it's because I care more about how women think. Maybe it's because I have a hard time getting women. Whatever the cause: here I find myself. I can't allow any woman to see me totally naked except in a dark room, can't take a shower with them, can't get undressed in front of them. At what point in a relationship should I tell them that?

 

You could always try getting in better shape, maybe your confidence would increase then?

Also, you could try and 'fake it until you make it'.... Sometimes just pretending to be confident is enough to actually make you feel confident after you've done it for a few times. Some of my early sexual encounters with women sound a bit like yours - I wasn't shy about being touched but getting undressed in a well lit room with another woman was nerve-wracking, a lot more than with my boyfriends when I was a teenager. But I just did it anyway, and after a while it stopped bothering me. Have you ever had a negative reaction in the past that is causing you to be feel embarrassed about being naked in front of someone now?

 

I really appreciate your help. I take good care of myself and my body is average, I am not too shy with men. (just a little)
I have no confidence with women, they are too hard to get, which makes me think they don't want me. Even if I had a perfect body i would still not want them to see my body. I was very interested that you had the same feeling the first few times. Like you, I also don't mind being touched.
I'm not ashamed of the various parts of my body, just don't like total nudity in a well lit room. Your comment about, fake it till you make it, is very interesting. I know I have problems - what I can't decide is exactly that issue - do I tell them I am bashful etc. or should I pretend that I have no problems at the start of a relationship/encounter? To answer your last question, I have never had any negative reaction about my body, but the problem is in me, and that makes it so hard to deal with. With women, I feel unwanted. Did you ever feel that way?

 

I've been going through this for years. I feel like you were in my head reading my exact thoughts when you typed this!!!

 

I hate my body so much and at the same time I love my body just as much. I'm honestly such a freak I don't really care about how someone else perceives my body but that's because I don't think about it much to be honest. I have heavy weight on my thighs boobs and ass but also a lot on my upper back and stomach and when I see these girls online I'm like damn that's my type but at the same time I wish I looked like her. I wish I was the girl who was my type for real. With men I don't feel like theres genuine love or connection. With women it's so soft and delicate but with guys I'm like eh He'll get off to me one way or another and they do, but I can't connect to them...

 

I don't think my experience with women is all that relevant really - most of my experiences were as a teenager and then as a university student, which is basically just teenage years extended but with more alcohol and an even more liberal environment. I guess as an adult now, I don't really feel held back. But thats because I have a lot of prior experience to go on, both successes and knock backs. And I've never really been interested in having a romantic relationship with a woman - I've tried to write this multiple ways and it however I say it, it sounds bad - but for me it has always been a strong physical attraction that has driven me towards women. I don't easily separate the intense, close but platonic friendship that two women can have (particularly in teenage years) from the sexual side of things. Like I have a couple of close female friends and it isn't unusual for me to have sexual thoughts about them and I have to consciously tell myself to stop checking them out. I'd jump into bed with them in a heartbeat if the offer was there. They're attractive, why wouldn't I? That makes sense to me, but I appreciate it isn't "normal" especially for a woman. A lot of women just aren't into sex outside of a relationship, but then there is nothing better to help build an emotional bond with someone than good sex. It's like chicken & egg.

 

JT, you might be surprised but I feel the same way about sex. I have a strong attraction to women but I am also very romantic. I cannot separate sex from romance, they are closely related. And I don't blame you for being attracted to your friends. I am the same, but like you, I hold those feelings back. The relationship between love and sex is strange: I truly am in love with my husband. He is a great guy, probably deserves better than me, but sexually my preference for women is much stronger.

 

Are you sure you're bisexual? It sounds like you are closer to the gay end of the spectrum. As I have described, I am a lesbian but I find I am capable of loving men. Sex with a man does nothing for me though. Sexuality is not easy to understand. With women I have both a romantic and a sexual attraction.

 

I'm pretty into friends-with-benefits relationships with women. It just works for me, it always has. Close friendship, good sex and no drama feels like its as good as it can get. Romance is not really something I go for. Women have tried with me but I've just never been able to see myself in a relationship with a woman. I have a friend at the moment that I've been seeing for a couple of months, she's a bit crazy really. Very high energy, very flirtatious, she's ideal for me in small doses but she'd be a nightmare to live with. We see each other for a few hours a few times a week. We chill out, have a laugh and end up in bed. She's got a bad track record with men but she's still mostly into guys, but she's definitely into good sex. Its perfect for me and nobody's feelings are getting in the way or getting hurt. I've had some great FWB-relationships in the past with women but in the end most of them have ended because the other party has wanted that long term commitment, even if they didn't want it at the beginning. The idea of building a life with a partner is a big draw. I'm lucky in that I have everything I need in that sense with my boyfriend. I want kids one day and he'd make a great father. He's fine with my bisexuality and doesn't take it as a personal failing that I have needs he doesn't satisfy. I am moving in with him in the New Year and will be out of my flat so lately we have been exploring new ways of making things work (trying not to be TMI here!) which has been pretty exciting....