I am too afraid of coming out

I'm sorry your going through this tough time right now. A lot of your fears hit really close to home for me. I thought of some job ideas and advice since we last spoke. You have mentioned before that you're a musician and in 3 bands no less. What if you became an instrument repair technician. I knew of a guy in college that became an instrument repairman on a whim just to help pay the bills and college tuition. He was a musician but had no prior knowledge or experience. He started out making good money and became a pro at it after 3 years. His Jr year he complained to a professor and everyone after class that he never had time for school because of his job workload. He really liked his job and was also making 15000 - 22000 In Us dollars a month. We basically told him he was already crazy successful and wondered why he was still here. He was shocked and said your right. He dropped out the next day. Another idea is maybe you could be a stage hand that helps bands set up and work all the stage equipment. I know there is more technical stuff to it than that, but you catch my drift. Also I have known of a few people who wrote basic beginner level sheet music that was more modern and interesting than generic old classical music. One guy in particular got his sheet music book rights purchased by a few school districts for 15000 or something. Then he raked in royalties afterwards.

I also thought I was a pathetic excuse for a human being that only wastes oxygen of other people who have better uses for it. I know you feel that way but for the record, your not. The way I moved forward was to accept and acknowledge I had flaws, social shortcomings that did not come naturally, and was dealt a few bad hands in life. All these factors were Not entirely my fault but I have to deal with the consequences just the same. So I accepted all the parts of myself that I did and didn't like. By accepting who and what I am, I can move forward and build the person I want to be.

You just have to find your starting line.

 

Sorry to hear you’re having a bad time!

Unfortunately there are people who have trouble accepting others, who might not fit their stereotypes, and probably will always be… But it doesn’t make you any less valid and real, just as @Rayland said.

The slur you mentioned, it’s based on caricature depictions of transwomen, which, sadly, were almost the only kind of portrayal we had in media. Even though situation is getting better in that regard, there’s still all too much to be done. That doesn’t excuse bigotry in any way, but it’s just ignorance and fear that make them believe that nonsense, and it’s not worth to take it close to heart.

Women come in all shapes and sizes, and with all kinds of faces. I knew plenty of cis women who could easily pass for a man, and men who could be mistaken for a woman. Presentation strongly influences what people see when they meet you. Case in point - my own experience going out as a woman. I’m taller than many men and most women and rather heavily built, which made me feel very self-conscious, thinking I absolutely would be seen as a man wearing a dress and make up. I could barely make that step outside the hotel room. Going out on the street was daunting, I was towering over people there, considering I also wore high heels… But literally no one bat an eye. To passer-bys I was just another woman, same in a coffe shop, same in a shopping centre, where I went to a women’s clothing store. And I don’t have a particularly feminine face either.

And don’t forget, there is much more to attraction that looks. Sure, a particularly good looking person might attract more attention easier, but all too often it’s not the kind of attention anyone would want. Then again, there is this local woman, whom nobody would describe as having attractive looks. She’s an amateur boxer, her nose was broken multiple times, she’s very muscular… And has quite a number of men vying for her attention. With all that, she is oozing femininity, her eyes and smile could make a stone melt.

Don’t be hard on yourself, dear sister, instead be your own, unique, awesome self - that’s the single most attractive thing a human being could do.

That said, if at some point you will choose to go medically transition (is there a better term for this? This one sounds awful!), HRT will change your facial features slightly towards what is generally considered more feminine. And there’s the nuclear option - face feminising surgery, but that’s pretty much last resort… Then again, it will be yours, and only yours decision.

@quebec and @Chillton have given excellent advice regarding work, I agree with them wholeheartedly. Playing in a band (much less three!), you probably know how hard it can be to dined a skilled and reliable musician. And instrument repair techs also aren’t easily available, either!

Sorry for the long rant. Stay strong sister and believe in yourself. Everyone here is on your side, you’re not alone.

Hugs

 

There is a mental writing exercise that I have tried in the past that may help you. Try to think of yourself as an outside observer from your identity. Now with an impartial opinion devoid of emotion, write about Saskia,( who is not you at the moment). Who is she? what are her strengths and weaknesses? How would you advise her to start tackling and handling her issues and hang ups. write about some strategies you may think will help her.There is also another mental exercise I have read about. Verbally voice all your problems and issues one at a time. Then bluntly answer them. Oftentimes the easiest answers are the most direct and blunt ones, or are at least a building block you can start from.

Oftentimes when I get stumped from a social barrier I take a look at my tools in my toolbox and mix and match them to come up with new creative solutions. If there is a new tool I want to develop, then I research and practice until I acquire it. Sometimes I use a tool that isn't exactly right for the job but it still gets the work done. Nobody is perfect and we all have to start from somewhere. Try to focus more on the starting line and not the finish line. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Maybe you can focus on random skills you do have and can improve on to help boost your confidence. Random skills Like driving, taking care of your health, cleaning, chores, hobbies, etc.

You have mentioned before you have a hard time going out into public and interacting with people. Maybe you can try anonymous online zoom meetings with no video camera. There are anonymous online LGBT groups, Therapy, Doctor consultations, and any topic you can think of. Now not all of these meetings may be free, but it could prove to be a good stepping zone in the right direction.

 

This is a really good idea.

Saskia, do you have any friends who you think would accept you if you came out to them? I know it might sound daunting, but you might be surprised. Even to have one person who accepts you is a start and would boost your confidence.

Hugs, Beth x

 

Being attractive to self is what matters the most in this regard. I can relate to your desire to be seen as just another woman.

And sometimes it’s just better to leave people who refuse to accept you behind, as daunting as it may be. If they prove not to be able to get over stereotypes, they might not be worth being around anyway.

I agree that a toned body is sexy, no matter man or woman. But among local people, overly muscular (as in genuinely ripped) women are general though of as too masculine and unattractive, it’s just how most people here are, I guess it’s a cultural thing. Sad to hear that gender affirming care is gatekeeped like in my country, too.

And you’re absolutely being too hard on your self. All this is hard, very hard, but you’re here, you’re looking for ways to change your life to the better, and that’s great! You’re doing a great job, no matter what anyone might say

 

Working on making yourself as attractive as possible is definitely a great goal. I think muscular is good on any gender. Having a functional, capable body is a super attractive trait. I think maybe there are some guys that don't like muscular women because it makes them feel insecure about themselves. But muscular guys don't tend to mind at all.

 

I have a great deal to say, but not a great deal of time or energy with which to say it. Your trouble is common and one I know, and the path away from it requires sacrifice and compromise, but there is absolutely a way out of it.

It will be awkward at first, difficult and complicated. You will make mistakes, look foolish, and be rejected. You will also find new avenues of deep acceptance with people you did not expect.

I made a lot of mistakes in life and it's brought me a lot of shame and misery. Despair has been a fairly constant companion for the last 20 years of my life on this planet. The only thing that I've found that has ever brought harmony to it is that deep unhappiness is to embrace who I am and finally be seen as me.

You too can find a path to self-acceptance. I swear to you there is a way forward. I am proof of that and I found that strength in others. I'd like to share it with you.

In the meanwhile, be kinder to yourself. Also, I feel you would do well to talk with a profession right away about anxiety, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that. I will not judge you, regardless.

Be safe and treat yourself with the kind of love the woman you want to be deserves

 

Hmmm seeing transpeople as 'things' doesn't sound very progressive to me.

How about your best friend? I take it they are the same age as you..? What I have found is that yes, whilst some people roll their eyes about the modern obsession with pronouns, the epidemic of 'anxiety' and they might even use that four letter word beginning with 'w', when confronted with one of their loved ones saying 'I'm transgender' they will do the decent thing, step up and be supportive. That's what I've found in my experience.

Don't get me wrong, coming out - even to one person - is nerve-wracking and scary. But you might be pleasantly surprised if you make the necessary leap of faith. What's the alternative? Being in the closet, crippled with dysphoria and feelings of inadequacy. For ever.

Be brave. And never forget we'll be behind you, supporting you all the way.

Beth x

 

LoL I guess it's an american figure of speech. Tools are a metaphor for skills, abilities, and aptitude. The tool box, ( aka - you), encompasses all these tools at your disposal to navigate daily challenges or obstacles in your life.. Sorry for the confusion.

Keep trying to develop your strengths and skills even if there are basic ones and I'll keep brainstorming new ideas that might be helpful for you. Hang in the there.

 

Sometimes, strength is something we develop. That's not say we start off "weak," we simply don't have the experience we need to take steps that can help us make positive change in bad situations.

To put it more plainly, sometimes we have to take scary steps to move forward. Sometimes we have to do things we're petrified of in order to find out who we are.

Do not endanger yourself, of course, or jeopardize your safety or health in any way, but if you're too afraid to even reach out to a therapist for help, then the avenue you've chosen is insanity.

You, as a person - your identity and what makes you who you are - will start to wither against the despair, and whatever alleviates your semi-constant misery will become everything to you, whether that's a hobby, a person, or a drug. Once that stops working, and if you can't find anything else, it ends in an institution, whether that's prison, a long-term care facility, or a morgue.

That's not because you're transgender, either, that's unfortunately just how humans work. That is what happens to us when we can't self-actualize enough to find harmony with the world around us, regardless of who we are or where we're from.

We get depressed, we become dependent on anything to fix that depression, it kind of works for a while until it doesn't, and then we give up and do something unreasonable to ourselves or others or both in an attempt to escape.

That's not the path you're set on right now, because we almost always have a choice and you certainly do now. You can choose to take that big, difficult, unpleasant step - and I'm not going to undersell it, it's hard as Hell - or you can keep on that treadmill of sadness-alleviation-sadness-alleviation until you're ready to take it.

However, if you don't do something soon, all this will eventually overwhelm you. You need to reach out to a mental health professional, at the very minimum. Reaching out here is great, reaching out to them is even better.

I'm sure, even if you are in a remote place in Germany, they have some form of mental health services nearby or at least accessible by relatively short travel. You may not find all the answers your looking for, but I guarantee you'll get a clue to the next step at the very least, if not a whole bucket full of answers you both knew and didn't know you needed.

Please stay safe, sweetheart, I'm sorry things are difficult right now, but I promise there are brighter times ahead

 

I understand how hard taking that first step can be, sweetheart, I truly do, and I know it takes time to get settled into things in a new area, so be patient with yourself. As far as getting help, don't worry so much about what you're going to say in terms of the words you use and focus more on your concerns.

Make sure you bring up all the things that are happening and directly your issues with them. It can be easy to leave things out when you're nervous, so just try to remember all the things you're having issues with, day-to-day, and what outcomes YOU want to see in the future!

Don't ever be afraid to take charge of your mental health journey! This is your life and your destiny we're talking about, not anybody else's, so don't let anyone decide on a path for you just because it seems to have the least resistance.

Either way, keep safe and take good care of yourself, honey. We're all rooting for you, and we want you to be as healthy and happy as possible, no expectations, no reservations!