I had a very unpleasant experience at the doctor's a few days ago, and that brought forward some anxieties regarding what my future as a trans man will look like, that I've been burying down lately, because what else is there to do? If I thought about every bad thing that could happen I'd be miserable and I'd never leave the house - I have shit to get done, I'm not gonna start sulking. But I'm bracing for a miserable life in this shit show of a country, aren't I. I'm starting to wonder if this is even worth it. Yeah, I dunno.. can you be trans and be treated and respected as a fellow human being? Right now it would be nice to know that, yeah, we can have good lives, because it feels like I'm bearing some sort of curse and I'm over it.
Sorry to hear that your visit to a doc went sour! Yes, it is possible to be trans and live a good life and be treated with dignity and respect. It's hard to believe it, being confronted with all the negativity surrounding people like us, especially in more conservative places... But there are those who did it, who live as themselves openly and have perfectly normal lifes.
Hi Redstatic, sorry you've been having a tough time lately. Coming out and then transition is a very long journey and like any long journey there are some parts of it that seem unnecessarily arduous, when you can help thinking 'is it worth it?' But don't give up. I would say a) you're young. You have many years ahead of you living as the man you were meant to be. Things may seem tough at the moment but all the long term trends are that societies are becoming more accepting of us. Things will get easy, especially in the second half of this century. And b) you live in the EU - that means you have freedom of movement (unlike us Brits) You can live and work in 27 other countries, places that are more liberal and accepting of trans people - that's wonderful! Things will get better, I promise. Remember we are always here for you. Hugs, Beth
Hi there! Don't give up on what you would like your future to be, where you see yourself. One or two bad experiences are not an indicator of the future. It can be hard and disappointing at times, especially after a doctor's visit that didn't feel positive or was upsetting. At the end of the day though you still have your goal, which no one can take away from you. I don't know if you have had the chance so far or have started to build a support network for yourself, in situations like this, it might be good trying to connect with Accept and other similar organisations supporting LGBTQ+ persons in Romania.
It's difficult thinking long term at the moment, I'm more or less taking things one step at a time transition wise, because thinking of how I'll be years down the line in my transition only makes me feel frustrated with myself because I didn't do this earlier. But I'm trying to focus on other areas of my life - starting my career has been a big distraction, so to say, and since I want to leave this country at some point, it makes me feel optimistic, now that I think about it. You make moving abroad sound much easier than it is in reality, but that's actually helpful - I tend to overcomplicate things in my head and give up before even taking a single step. I don't have an actual support network. I have some people I can get in touch with in case of crisis, but I don't feel comfortable bringing up anything that isn't an emergency. I have, however, come in contact with my local LGBT organisation, and have become a volunteer there. I know some people, and it's nice connecting with them at events and whatnot, but I don't consider them close friends, more like acquaintances. They're wonderful people and I'd love to get closer to them, though, but it's not something I can force. There are also some online groups for trans people made by Accept, which I'm part of, but I don't feel necessarily comfortable talking to them, unless I'm in a crisis and I don't have anyone else to contact.
It's completely normal to have moments of doubt and anxiety on your journey, especially when facing difficulties like the unpleasant doctor's visit you mentioned. Transitioning is a significant process, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. You don't need to have everything figured out all at once. Focus on the next steps that feel right for you. As someone living in the EU, you do have the freedom to explore living in other countries that may be more accepting and supportive of trans individuals. Research countries with inclusive policies and communities that align with your values and goals. Building a support network, even if it starts with acquaintances, can be a crucial source of understanding and guidance as you navigate your journey.
I can use starting my master's degree next year as an opportunity to move abroad. I should start researching soon. I feel like I've been in "go go go" mode for so long and pushing down all these anxieties, I need a break from all this. It's like my batteries smoothly ran out and only decided to let me know when they got to less than 10%. Seriously I feel like I'm crawling in a wasteland, I can see the oasis but every step takes its toll on me. This has been a build up of years, I think; it's just more obvious now. How do y'all take care of yourselves in situations like these? My only solution has always been finding some sort of distraction, but that usually ends up exhausting some other type of resource instead of helping me build myself back up
Self care, like taking occasional breaks is good. Just doing things you really enjoy. Talking with friends here on EC has helped a lot. Therapy sessions are good for me too, because I can just pour out all of my feelings. Setting clear goals. I wrote everything down. Starting with my biggest goal and small steps I need to achieve to get there and things like financial stuff, where I can save up for my transition goals and how much I need. It's nice to have that list, where you can tick stuff out to keep an eye on your growth.
The organisations you have mentioned are part of your support network, as is Empty Closets of course. The people or members you are in contact with, and even though it might not be as frequently at the moment, and/or you are working towards getting to know them better, are part of that network and supports you have already in place. I would very much encourage you to continue to get to know them better and perhaps develop some friendships that would allow you to open up some more and have further trust in them. As you mentioned, it will take some time but from the sounds of it, you have everything in place and a great base on which to continue building the friendships.
redstatic.....Perhaps reading the story of someone who went through the whole process of realizing they were trans and then transitioning may encourage you. There is a youtuber...Alex Bertie who chronicled his whole story from when he was quite young until completing his transition. He even wrote a book about it: "Transmission: My Quest To A Beard" I even have a copy! It's a real encouragement to follow his ups and downs...the point where his father finally accepts him, etc. It could be an encouragement to you...check it out! .....David
More of a vent, because I don't want to make a new forum entry. I have another endo appt on Friday. I'll get my T prescription then or maybe next week, depending on what the dr. tells me. I'm excited, I've been counting the days and I can't wait to actually start T. But I'm scared, again. Scared that I'll never feel complete, that I'll be on T, that I'll start passing but that I'll always know I'm a fraud. That I'll never be "male enough". I know it's stupid, I know I'm already "man enough", but biology wise it definitely sucks. I feel disgusting and I'm afraid I'll feel even more so, because it will be even more obvious that my body is comprised of bits that make no sense together. I don't even know anymore. Maybe too much of my self worth is placed upon my nonexistent dick.
Hey Redstatic, I understand. I think this is a very common feeling amongst us trans folk. I get it myself sometimes - usually for me an intense longing for the experience of having periods and becoming pregnant. But I'd urge you to be positive - you're going to be on T soon and boy are there going to some changes! Just think - pretty soon you'll look in the mirror and you'll see yourself with facial hair. Speak - and your voice will be deeper. To the outside world you will be a guy. That's got to be something, hasn't it? Hugs, Beth x
Sorry you’re going trough a rough patch. Having the wrong bits down there can feel awful, but you’re a man inside, and that’s what matters. And like Beth said, soon the world will see you as one, and that’s something. It’s perfectly okay to feel daunted, there are big things about to begin, that will help your authentic self shine.
Thanks you two. Thinking of what I'll see in the mirror a few months after starting T is what keeps me going. If I look past the self disgust and anxiety, I'm incredibly excited. But at the same time, I wish it could all be over in an instant. Get my transition over with. And just be able to live my life properly.
It all feels like a lot, doesn't it? Too much maybe, sometimes. If we focus on all the distance we have left to go, we're just going to fall down on our faces. It seems impossible, years away, and even if we're meeting our goals... will we ever be there? What it never happens? What if doesn't work out? What if we never pass? What if we pass so well, our insecurities leave us feeling more counterfeit than ever? Won't there always be that lingering doubt, that unbeatable truth written into our very genes that we are - in fact - elaborate pretenders? That, my dear brother, is called "internalized transphobia." What we are is not fully understood genetically or behaviorally, but it is more than documented medical fact at this point. We are a real evolutionary phenomenon and we represent a fragment of the great diversity of humanity. Our biology and psychology is no different to the dichotomies of darker or lighter skin tones and introverted or extroverted trait balances. Why we are pushed away is not because we are unnatural or false, but rather because the current dominant social hierarchy - globally - is scaffolded to ancient patriarchy. I know that word has been blunted by sneering overuse, but the world is designed for the use and success of men primarily, and all others are granted secondary consideration; the evidence is replete and must be willfully suppressed to be ignored. Which it is. Under this hierarchy, men and women are separated by rote genital formation, and if those genitals are not to the standard of the binary, until very recently surgical intervention was often undertaken without the patient's consent to "correct" their bodies, whether they would've liked it that way or not. There is an overlap here with circumcision, but that's another topic entirely. If behaviorally we deviate, social measures are in place to ensure adherence; rejection, isolation, harrassment, and even violence were - again, only until very recently - considered not only acceptable, but desirable toward any man who acted like a woman or any woman who dared behave like a man in any way that was not approved, with the added caveat that their deviation will almost certainly include some measure of sexual assault. Again, this social programming is literally ancient. It's core foundation is as old as the reign of Emperor Constantine of Rome (circa 300CE), where queerness in the "Global West" first became criminalized and suspect, though the groundwork is even older and it was considered criminal elsewhere long before. We challenge that, we assert our biology can err and our notions of gender are fabrications that can be subject to change if in need of correction, and they are direly in need of correction. When an entire civilization is built on the idea that man and woman are concrete ideas that must fundamentally be upheld in order for the world to correctly function, because men - especially white men - are just so much better that it'll mess everything up if they don't get first prize all the time, we're in for a fight if we're going to stand up and say "Wrong." Whether as a challenge to the world order or not, we say that simply by existing. Even if you're an ardent conservative in your values in every other way, if you are transgender, you challenge the patriarchal idea that what's between your legs defines who you are and what you value in life and society, and that quite notoriously isn't welcome. The good news, more and more people are getting themselves hip to the truth every single day, thanks in large part due to representation in culture and on social media, because we are out there more and more, proving the ones who hate us wrong rather than just saying it. The bad news, it's going to get worse before it gets better, and we're going to have to weather it anyway if we want to win for good. If you need a bit of hope in the darkest hour, let it be this; what you do now lets some little girl 20 or 30 years from now play sports with her friends, or some preteen boy just getting into puberty, afraid it's going to be the wrong one, having to plead with the state and a doctor for the medication he needs. Every blow we take now is a hit some kid down the line, just as lost and confused as we were, doesn't have to. That's cold comfort, even for me, but if they have to take it on somebody, at least I know it's coming. tl;dr - Hang in there, it's worth it, and we're all fighting together, so we're all rooting for each other
