I've been away for a while for a variety of reasons. I decided to dust off the account after talking with some friends here about it recently, though I've honestly had little to say and no real energy with which to say it. Even now, I'm struggling a little to find my footing, so to speak. Simply put, I don't know where to begin. The world is replete with problems, so many are suffering, and those in power and being swept away by greed and madness. Same as it ever was, I suppose; war, starvation, economic collapse, all these are not new. The rising tide of hatred against us is not new either, though I acknowledge its intensification. We are being targeted, it is widely known and accepted, and there is little being done to stop it. It is a political tactic; our lives are a token in a game we have no stake in. So what keeps me going? It would be appropriately dramatic, and frankly very... well, me to say I don't know and that I'm just too stubborn or lazy or perhaps even dumb to give up, but that's not true at all. The truth is, I have a lot of great things to hope for, and I've come miles from where I once was, so much so it'd be senseless to turn back now. Do I yet have a long way to go? Yes, absolutely. More than half a mountain left to climb, although... I've almost climbed half a mountain, and where I was looks like a speck now far below. Even more than this, however, I've met a lot of amazing people climbing along the way too. Some of them I love now more dearly than my own blood relations. Ultimately, I'm trying harder than I ever have, and I'm seeing limited results, yes, but I'm seeing results. I don't know how much longer it's going to be before I have something substantial and can offer some real guidance on what physically transitioning is like and how much different I feel as a result, yet so far each step socially has been blissfully enlightening. I believe the future will be better, and I want to share that future with all of you, no matter if you're transgender or not. Don't give up, please stay strong, and know that I'm fighting for you as much as myself
Great to see you back, Lydia. We'd missed you! I'm a little bit ahead of you. I can't quite see the view just yet, but I'm getting there. Transitioning is wonderful - even if you're semi-closeted like me. I think you're going to like it! Big hugs, my sister, Beth xx
A lot of reasons, but mostly it was remembering that this is a community that I drew strength from and could possibly draw strength from me during a time we've never needed each other more Thank you all for your replies and support, I love you all
I'm glad you are here and like your attitude of keeping climbing. Can you say more about the blissfully enlightening part? I hope you keep moving forward and I'm pulling for you!
Aww, thank you! That's sweet of you to say! As I recall, in that moment, I'd let my thoughts wander into all the affirming and lovely experiences I've had living as a woman. Shaving my legs or painting my nails, the handful of times I've had the actual guts to wear makeup, wearing the correct undergarments... little things have all just felt like a long warm hug. If I may as well - since it's just between us here and no ignorant cis-het's gonna stumble in and be like "See, they really ARE just perverts!" - finding myself sexually has been really enjoyable, too. For a long, long time I did not allow myself to see the appeal of men, and while I am still gaga for women and womanhood, I've found I'm more heterosexual than I ever thought I was. I find I mostly want to be with men sexually, because there are so many things in women that I was simply never allowed to imitate or make my own that I coveted rather than actually found genuinely attractive. I'm still definitely pan, the attraction I feel to other women - especially other women like me - is absolutely not gone, but the idea of a big strong man wrapping his arms around me is something the 20-something crossdressing bi I considered myself once to be would've cringed at. Me? I'd snuggle in. Anyway, before I get carried away and write a whole Cosmo interview, I just meant it's been lovely to find comfort in my footing as a woman, even if it's new and therefore a little awkward every time. ^_^
The part about cis hets made me laugh lol! It made me think of how sexual those guys are, like a sport to them and to brag about, and also how they are not pro women's rights. They call us perverts but would be having all the sex they could as teens and with teens if they could get away with it and many want to be with the same sex too. They try to hide what they do while you are trying to be the real you and courageous!
Is it too late to say you guys give me hope, too? Did I miss my chance to mention how, here, I know I'm seen as I wish to be. Believe me, my eloquence comes from taking time and carefully choosing my words 95% of the time, but it's genuine and I feel like who I am comes through the most as a result of the comfort I feel here. You are all wonderful, beautiful souls with a lot of pain in you, some that I understand well and most I will never know. I hope you all find the love and joy that you're searching for, with acceptance and safety being an acknowledged prerequisite to both. I fight and speak out and try my best to represent us in a positive way, despite my own tempests, because of you. You give me strength, you make me brave, and I'm going to keep fighting until we can move forward into true liberation together, no matter our gender, sexuality, or otherwise! I love you all, please stay safe, and always remember we are going to win this fight!
