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Confusing time

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Reddyornot, Sep 27, 2023.

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  1. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    Hi all. Just signed up. Have been questioning for about 3 years now, I think. I had gone through a 'phase' in my teens where I as confused and experimented, but thought that was all passed. It's difficult because I have felt straight and am married and this has created a lot of inner conflict. I think I'm now accepting of the fact I am sexually attracted to men, though in realising this much, I have noticed a sort of reduction of physical attraction to the opposite sex... is this normal or likely because I am focused on this relatively new attraction? I worry that it could be more. Thanks and hope to hear your thoughts. I haven't fully resolved this yet.
     
    #1 Reddyornot, Sep 27, 2023
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  2. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    Hi and welcome.
    Only you can decide, but many men who realize or accept they are gay later in life experience a rapid reduction in attraction to women. Some realize they never really were attracted at all.
    A good test is what you fantasize about and what feels more intense.
     
    #2 Searching2022, Sep 27, 2023
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  3. quebec

    quebec
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    Reddyornot.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you.

    Some info on how to navigate EC:
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    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #3 quebec, Sep 27, 2023
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  4. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    Hi there. Literally everything you said resonates with me quite a lot actually! Worrying
     
    #4 Reddyornot, Sep 28, 2023
  5. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    Just to add to the first comment: Increasingly this is what I have fantasised about pretty much exclusively as this feeling has progressed and it certainly feels more intense!
     
    #5 Reddyornot, Sep 28, 2023
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  6. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    ...So my concern or conundrum is not so much whether I am straight (I think that's clear enough that I'm not) but more like if I am bisexual or, perhaps more likely gay? I have definitely felt a steady, progressive decline in sexual interest in women whilst my sexual attraction to men has rapidly become more intense, which is somewhat alarming to process! Its a very confusing situation. I feel like I have felt physical desire for women before, but not a feeling like this.
     
    #6 Reddyornot, Sep 28, 2023
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  7. Searching2022

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    Hi,
    Yes it can be a very unnerving feeling, like a damn bursting or losing control. Again, only you can decide, but I will share my experiences below and if you read around, many experienced this pattern. Also I am not married and I realize this creates additional complexity and confusion, but lots of gay men here married and discovered or accepted they were gay later in life. Usually looking back they realized the did things like think about guys while having sex.

    Personally I realized that previously I was 'trying' to fantasize about women but not really getting nearly as excited or aroused as I did about men. Once I started to accept myself, I realized before I was trying to suppress or at least reduce the fantasizing about men

    .
    it sounds like you're beginning to realize and get in touch with yourself. If a someone said to you "I almost always fantasize about guys and its really intense" would you think they were gay or straight? or something else?

    If you were in a city where you knew no one, and weren't married and it was a very LGBT friendly city and you saw a cute guy making eyes at you would you try to hook up?
    I know this isn't reality but it can help you see how much of your confusion is fearing what others might think.

    Yes, this is a scary feeling, because we're letting go of years of a facade we constructed. I remember reading about that phenomena here and someone said it sounded like it what was going to happen to me and i was terrified, but then one day when I was out 'trying' to look at women I realized I was doing just that 'trying', and then I felt a sense of relief' you know you don't have to fake it anymore'.

    Accepting that you're gay can be a very tough but it's also incredibly liberating, you realize how much your brain was trying to fight it.
     
    #7 Searching2022, Sep 28, 2023
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  8. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    Even though I am not married, I was terrified of being gay. When I came here it was try to prove that I wasn't. I never could have imagined myself liking the fact that I was gay. Before coming here I always felt terrible about my sexual fantasizing and was trying to 'fix' it. I could never imagine admitting it to myself or 'liking' it.

    There are challenges of course, but accepting that I was gay was the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I can honestly say I love being gay.
     
    #8 Searching2022, Sep 28, 2023
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  9. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    Thanks for sharing your perspective. It's hard to say if this will be my experience at this stage - I do feel like I am in the middle of some process, if that makes sense? I'm not ready (and I can't force that feeling) to say to myself 'I'm gay' and believe it wholeheartedly because there is a disconnect between my actions (enjoying regularly fantasising about men sexually) and my self-perception. I think if it were someone else then I would naturally assume they were gay based on this disclosure, but in my mind I feel like there are two versions of myself right now and they are constantly at odds
     
    #9 Reddyornot, Sep 29, 2023
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  10. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    I'm not sure if there will come a point where there is some sort of transition? What could trigger that kind of identity shift? I perhaps sound eager and maybe that's fair because it's exhausting emotionally and I want to come through this. I also feel like this is now a one-way process and it is a case of when rather than if. I could be wrong but right now, this is my gut feeling.
     
    #10 Reddyornot, Sep 29, 2023
  11. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    I don't want to hurt my wife, but I don't think it's an option to stop thinking about men sexually either
     
    #11 Reddyornot, Sep 29, 2023
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  12. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    Hi welcome while im married to a woman took me a while to accept myself as bisexual and liking men
     
    #12 Jakebusman, Sep 29, 2023
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  13. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    Trying going to the mirror and saying "I am gay" and see how it feels.

    Yes, I went through this as did many, you literally just become worn down and can't fight it any more and you surrender to it. Its a freeing, liberating feeling.

    The whole time I was fighting I knew in the back of the mind I wasn't going to 'win'.

    I think your gut feeling is right.
     
    #13 Searching2022, Sep 30, 2023
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  14. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    It sounds like its already happening. When I first came here, I used to just wish people on this board would tell me I was gay and stop fighting it, even me mentioning that probably awakes something in you, I would guess.
     
    #14 Searching2022, Sep 30, 2023
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  15. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    Yes, I feel like that. I would like for someone to tell me that everything I've disclosed here clearly shows that I'm definitely in the process of coming-out to myself as gay
     
    #15 Reddyornot, Oct 1, 2023
  16. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    Thanks and Hi. I have wondered this might be the outcome for me too, but this feeling is so much more intense
     
    #16 Reddyornot, Oct 1, 2023
  17. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    What you mean more intense ?
     
    #17 Jakebusman, Oct 1, 2023
  18. Reddyornot

    Reddyornot
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    I mean that it's so strong that any physical desire I felt I had towards women almost doesn't register
     
    #18 Reddyornot, Oct 3, 2023
  19. Journey616

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    I’m the same as jake up there. Married to a woman but am bisexual and took a long time to accept it. It ain’t easy. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it fun and sometimes it’s amazing. But life ain’t easy or smooth. It’s damn rocky. But it’s an adventure. On the bright side you know at least two people that are going through the same things you’re going through…. Right?
     
    #19 Journey616, Oct 10, 2023
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  20. Purple Yoda

    Purple Yoda
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    The confusion sometimes gets worse before it gets better. I've always had an attraction to the make physique but attributed that to my severe body dysmorphia which began in Kindergarten(!). I married and had kids but the sex was never "easy" and after ten years a combination of low testosterone & stress/anxiety led to a sexless marriage that ended with my heart being shattered to pieces as she left me for an ex.

    Now that I am "free" to do whatever I want, I pursued that attraction to males (which I fantasize to) but in 10 years now I haven't had a sexual encounter. I am still confused, still seeking answers and still trying to find who I am deep inside.

    The only thing that I can recommend is that moving forward you are as HONEST TO YOURSELF as possible. Leave behind the societal expectations and be true to your inner self. Perhaps if I had tried that 10 years ago, instead of continuing an attempt to maintain a facade, then things would be different today. Don't be like me - be 100% honest to yourself.
     
    #20 Purple Yoda, Oct 10, 2023
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