Hey all, Never been with a man before but it’s something I really want to explore and experience, so have been on the apps searching for potentials. I’m wanting to bottom, and condoms are 100% a must for me regardless of prep. Spoke to a guy who said condoms or not, he felt like I shouldn’t sleep with a guy period without being on prep. Obviously I haven’t really looked into prep much since I haven’t been with a guy before, but since I do want to bottom for a guy at some point in the near future, do you agree with this guy that I shouldn’t do so without being on prep? I guess my thought was since I’m new to this and wouldn’t be having sex super frequently as of yet, that condoms would do the trick until I got more active. I want to be safe of course, and I want to put myself out there but I think with my newness, it’ll be slow to start as far as the frequency of sleeping with guys, and I didn’t think prep was necessary for a not very active sex life. Or am I thinking about it wrong? Thanks for any advice.
My answer until somebody with more expertise chimes in - I guess it all depends of what level of risk you're comfortable with and how much you trust the guy. *IF* used correctly, condoms have a high effectiveness. Then I hope through safe sex and testing (more partners=more frequent testing), there's a low likelihood of a guy you sleep with having something. So ideally that's very low risk. But I'll let someone with more prep knowledge to chime in lol
PrEP is highly effective at preventing HIV, so for a "belt and braces" approach I would be inclined to take it, as well as using condoms. However, PrEP is not a magic bullet that protects us from the full range of STI's, some of which are becoming very hard to treat. Ultimately, the choice is yours, but do not ever be cajoled into having unprotected sex. On this forum we will always advocate for safe sex, even for people who are using PrEP.
Thanks for your reply, I am still a virgin but I’ve been eager to sort of move on to the next level and have some fun (I’m 35 and frankly I’m tired of being a virgin and not having that experience with a man that I really want). So I’ve been actively looking, but I would never have sex without a condom because I’m not comfortable with that. Like I said though, one man had mentioned that he didn’t feel condoms were enough, and that I needed to be on prep before any sex period. I just felt like I’m not at the point of being active enough for prep yet and I thought condoms would be okay at least at first? That’s what I was sort of unsure about I suppose. A condom will be involved, prep or not, because I’m not comfortable not having one.
I’d appreciate any further insight on this. This is all brand new for me and I’m honestly not sure exactly where else to find answers to some of these questions so thanks again
Yes, use condoms, you can order custom size ones online if you don't find a good fit off the rack. If the other guy is on prep then he must be tested enough so that's good. What else do you want to know?
Only thing I would want to know is what (if any) are the downsides to being on prep? Most drugs have side effects, some serious, some trivial. So if taking prep comes with risks, then you have to weigh them against the risks of sexual activity without it. If a drug had a 1/100 slight chance of headaches, it’s probably a no brainier to take it. If it’s a 1/100 chance of blindness for example, then it’s less of a simple decision. I’ve no clue how it works or what the real life downsides are, but as it is a drug then you must assume some potential negatives, so definitely DYOR and ask your doctor.
Condoms should ALWAYS be used. And PREP is a great "backup" if you are engaging in a lot of non-monogamous sex, But PREP also has long-term risks for liver and kidneys. So, you have to determine how diligent and consistent you can be with condom use. Also, if you are doing hookups, and relying on condoms, you must be prepared to walk away if your partner balks at using condoms... not easy for some.
I appreciate these replies, definitely makes me feel more comfortable not using prep and just starting off with the condoms (I would be religious about using condoms because I’m frankly not comfortable not using them). I do have an additional question…do you guys think oral sex and potentially swallowing as well is super high risk? It’s something that I’m interested in trying but I’m just trying to be safe as well. I’m sure you guys have all had your own experiences as well, but I’m still a virgin at 35 and frankly, it makes me unhappy). I want to have the experience with a man and try the things I’ve fantasized about for so long. I think I’ve built it up into something massive, and think I got this idea in my head that it had to be the perfect guy and the perfect relationship before I had sex, and for me personally, I don’t think that’s realistic. I’ve been out for 8 years now and I think I’m doing myself a disservice denying myself something that’s a natural need and desire just because I haven’t had relationship luck, and I’d also sort of like to explore and play the field a bit and get to enjoy it with different guys, sort of enjoy different experiences that I’ve missed out on for so long, not necessarily a different guy every night lol but sort of just have fun with some different types of men I’m attracted to). Again, appreciate any and all insights. I visited this board before I came out and reading about others experiences definitely inspired me to know that I could come out and have what I dreamed of too (even though I haven’t had that experience yet but hopefully soon).
HIV infection through oral sex is very rare. However, other infections can happen, especially if the body parts involved (penis, mouth, vulva, hands, etc.) have open wounds or visible warts. I don't recommend it right after flossing, for example. In the absence of those conditions, oral sex is generally safer (although there are infections that can't be visually noticed). However, if you are unsure and especially if you aren't in a closed relationship with a person that has been tested, I do think condoms are still a good idea. There are flavoured condoms which may create a more interesting experience. Frankly, I don't like the "virgin" concept because it creates social pressure. There's nothing wrong in being virgin, be it at age 18 or 60+. Having sex isn't like winning a medal or certificate, right? On the other hand, I completely understand you have our desires (as most of us do), and that's completely fine. Just make sure not to rush into things just for the social pressure of being/not being a "virgin". If you have sex outside of a "perfect relationship", that's fine. Just make sure to use condoms and protect yourself (aside from other safety practices such as meeting in a public place and getting to know the person a bit before inviting him/her into your home). And never let someone force you into doing something you don't want to do.
Thank you for this thought out reply and kind of elaborating on the oral sex…since I really haven’t had any relationship luck, I was sort of wanting to see the option of that outside of a relationship…obviously I’d rather not use the condom for oral sex so I’d definitely want to be sure the guy had been tested or look into the flavored condoms as you said. As far as the virgin thing, I’d say at this point, it’s really come down to me wanting to have sex for myself and my own desires and not any social pressure, because I’ve wanted those experiences with a man for a very long time. I’d always use a condom for anal sex (as that’s the only way I’d be comfortable with it), so that’s unquestionably going to happen every time, especially because I’d like to bottom and I know the safety risks that go with that with unprotected sex. My inexperience makes me kind of nervous but I’m always directly upfront about it with any guys I speak to on the apps and make it clear that I have boundaries and am only comfortable trying certain things, so we’re both on the same page beforehand and nobody is going into it expecting something different, and I would only meet up with someone who could respect my comfort zone and how I feel.
I don't want another thing to get Rx for and have to get tested and everything involved so would rather not get it. It's one more thing that keeps me incompatible with gay life, but glad it's there for people who need it.
I totally understand. After years of repression when I finally accepted I was gay I just wanted to get f*cked! And yes, when I finally 'did it' it was a great feeling not just physically but mentally, and for many it removes any remaining doubts. It almost felt like a ceremony and i was becoming a different person.. But you know what? My first oral I gave wasn't that great because the guy and I weren't compatible and he was even a little verbally abusive. But I knew when I got on my knees and started 'doing it' even though it wasn't the best experience that it was 100x more natural than the awkward sex I used to have with women.
Isn't event driven prep nearly as effective? I haven't look at any litterature on this but it should be easier on your liver and kidneys than daily dosing.
