How Will I Know; Debating Between Heart and Head

32 seems a bit young to be worried about Spinster Guncletude are your heart and mind torn because you don’t know how you feel or because you don’t know how he feels? Or both? As for your feelings, if it feels right it probably is. As for his feelings, give it time. You are already doing great in my opinion if you’re both comfortable using the “B” word.

 

Mr Cat! It has been so long! If you even remember me, lol. It's been 8 or so years since we last spoke. For what it's worth, I have sent the occasional fond thought your way

I'm going to add my two cents by agreeing with the above people. If you feel like you're in love, you probably are.
It's normal to wonder, certainly. Especially if you don't live together and there's an element of planning going into every interaction.

After years with my own non-living-together boyfriend, I occasionally ask myself whether it's love or just a comfy routine. Whether I'm somehow coping more than loving. But then I wake up happy to find he texted me a stray thought in the middle of the night, and slightly giddy to send him a good morning.
And when I wonder whether us not yet having a timeline to move in together means we're both stalling and should just put an end to it... there just is no question in my mind that we're on the right track, even if it takes months or even years more until we finally resolve our respective family obligations. At the very least we never go home without the next get-together or holiday planned. So while I might start wondering about details... in the main picture I can just tell I love him and I want to keep doing this.

So I guess that's my long-winded way of phrasing: trust your feelings. I get that it's different from your last relationship and you're afraid of making mistakes, but that all just shows you do L-word him.


Then, of course, there is getting more clarity about his feelings.
You don't mention how old he is, but I am going on the assumption he's about the same age and this isn't the first time he's snuggled with another boy. So he might be having a bit of the same baggage. This whole "busy job and family obligations" thing might have been the very thing that sank a previous relationship. So he might be thinking that there is some benefit in seeing whether you're sticking along with him even with these limits on his time.

If you want to escalate and see how he reacts, there are ways of doing so without dropping the L-bomb. Something like "You know, I honestly think I'm much happier ever since I met you" get a measure of it across without asking for an L-word in reply. Also, I realise that you don't have a lot of time off, but going on a short actual holiday (as in: not just "hanging out", but going to a place you both have never been to and explore together) for three or four days might help elucidate things. We are different people when we have no obligations. Might take a while to get it planned, but it might be a goal to work towards together!

Above all, I am glad to see you're doing well! Hope to see you again sometime!

 

Oh, the age old dilemma of the L world! When do we admit to ourselves that we are in love (there, I said it) and then... when do we admit it to the other person?

Okay, let's get to the point. You are in love. Everything you wrote confirms it. As for telling him, I would say if you feel it, say it. You can build up to it, of course, by dropping some fairly big hints about your feelings first.

Trust your instincts and be prepared to take the leap. Love involves taking risks and it's natural to feel a bit scared, but maybe he feels exactly the same way. Is it possible that you are both holding back for the same reasons? Taking the risk can lead to a deeper connection and growth in the relationship.

When it feels right, it feels right!

 

Aww. I'm sad to hear that it didn't turn out to go your way. Though it still sounded like it was done in mutual respect and openness, which is always good and leaves one with a better feeling after all the sadness has gone.

You might not like this, but... I don't have the impression you did it wrong this time. I understand fully that right now you're in a place of heartbreak, and heartbreak never feels like it was worth it.
But on the other hand, I don't see a way to give a relationship a proper chance without actual emotional investment. It feels like a worthwhile goal to keep it purely on the intellectual level, then have a talk, and decide to start investing emotionally. But without at least some emotional investment (and thus, risk of hurt), you're unlikely to get to such a commitment.

In a way, I think that was what the other guy did too much. He tried assessing the situation, saw a lot of practical issues (not entirely wrong), and decided that odds of success are low. Which, as you say, are good points. I also feel like he's falsely assuming that the current situation is what life will be forever, and he underestimates what two determined people can do if they decide to really find a solution. That doesn't mean a guarantee of success, but it definitely also shows there are risks in overintellectualizing.

So... I don't think you did anything wrong. You showed some vulnerability, you gave it an honest chance, you "lived the relationship for a while". It hurts now, but I think that this is also the attitude that will yield success in the long run!

 

Other than the heartbreak, there’s nothing here to feel bad about. Anytime I try with a guy and it doesn’t work out, I tell myself I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there. I think you can say the same to yourself with a clear conscience. Thank you for the update, and take care of yourself as you let this one go.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

It's completely normal to feel hurt and confused right now. Even though things came to an end in an amicable way, it doesn't lessen the rawness of your feelings and it will take a bit of time to heal from the experience.

It's natural to feel guarded after a breakup, but I agree that vulnerability is a necessary part of any relationship and I hope you will not allow this experience to discourage you from being your open and authentic self in future. You can't really fall in love, while holding back. That's not say you should rush in head first at the get go and throw all caution to the wind, but I don't get the sense that you did so this time anyway. It really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

Does the "one" exist? Well, that's a big question and it's easy to become cynical about it. Just remember that finding a life partner is a journey and it's okay to have doubts along the way. The best thing is to build a good foundation with someone instead of searching for perfection. It's from that foundation that love can really develop, over time.

Everyone's healing process is unique, so do take time and give yourself space for reflection in the days and weeks ahead, but without excessive rumination or self blame. It's sad that it didn't turn out as you hoped, but don't go down rabbit holes. I don't think you need to.

 

Sorry it didn't work out hope you find a new guy to date in the future

 

So sorry, Cat!
I agree with those who said it was worth the journey, tho!
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