Married for decades and now realize I’m bi

Happily married for decades with a great family, when I turned 54 I realized a new attraction to men and started fantasizing about gay encounters. Almost acted on these urges but didn’t because I couldn’t cheat on my wife. About 6 more years have gone by and the attraction is 5 times more stronger and I’m worried I’m going to cheat with another married guy.

 

There were no clues or feelings that, if you go back, might have pointed to these feelings a little earlier in your life? Is married life fairly satisfying otherwise? Is there something - like a pattern - you might see in the men who catch your attention?

There are many others who have been on this forum - and not here - who have experienced this. I hope that being here will let you put out questions and get some answers ... and make you feel supported, because you are.

 

Hi im married and Bi and am going through the same thing as you

 

Me too I messed around when I was a teenager and into my 20os and enjoyed it but also felt ashamed and guilty I’ve been married 20 years and I my same sex fantasies never left now I’m finally just deciding to come to terms with it and accept it.

 

Thats the hardest part

 

How are you doing now with everything your going through

 

Hi Jayo,
Same as you. Timeframe same as the leader of this string. This war inside my head won't quit. Despite the cliff edge, I'm about to jump a little and hope the ground doesn't give way. Kids have grown up now they might accept this - can't say the same for a suspected homophobic wife. So I signed up to G....r (EC blocks the name) and met a guy. I don't think he's my type and we haven't moved from coffee yet, but it's a start. That, and my planned visit to the sauna tomorrow (yes that kind of sauna). Six years ago, the exaperated advisor at LGBT counselling just told me to get on with it. Very soberingly, I saw a guy sleeping in a shop doorway last week. I wondered what his story was. It's a reality check. So, I figure, small moves. I might run back and slam the door behind me.

 

If we can take anything from this it’s we are not alone ! I wish you the best . Don’t be to hard on yourself. I thought stuffing my feelings in the back of my mind was going to work but my feelings have always been there still.

 

Doing ok how about you

 

I signed up for G too

 

I’m doing ok too . It took a lot just to admit to myself how I feel. I came out to myself a couple months ago . Now just connecting with people and talking about it on this website feels good. Just coming out to the people on this site is starting to make me feel like I’m going to be ok

 

Have you had any good experiences with G I’m interested especially since lately I can’t stop thinking about hooking up

 

I haven't have you ?

 

No I haven’t either!

 

At least you speak very honestly about the range of emotions you are experiencing. That is very authentic in and of itself.

I'd be terrified. You and the others are courageous. I tended to go with chance encounters coming from the gym, getting coffee, going to the beach, and maybe even the supermarket. There was a guy at the store about a month ago who looked like a mug shot from the Jack Kerouac days. Slightly creepy thick glasses, too. He was younger than me but there was nervous eye contact exchanged.

I like the chatting up in both directions IRL better than on-line.

 

I agree with the online thing. I prefer meeting someone the natural way . No matter what gender the person is I need to feel a real connection for me to connect intimately

 

Thank you. I'm glad someone sees it how I do (now I don't feel alone - lol) but I also get it that this is now the most common way - for intimate connections and hookups. We've all seen TV programs where T----r and G-----r ping on someone's phone either in private or at the worst possible time!

 

Yea I can’t be having that !

 

You’re not just not alone, but there’s quite a number of bisexual people in committed heterosexual relationships.

Perhaps you could probe your wife’s reaction by bringing up LGBTQ topics with her in a conversation and work out an idea of what to do next from there?