Being chatted up? Is it a thing?

I have and still do get chatted up, despite being married now. I think part of it is that especially when I was single, I spent a fair amount of time in spaces where it was safe to assume that a large number of people were gay. I've been chatted up at the gym, the grocery store, the beach, obviously bars and the like (I chatted up my husband in a bar back in the day), all sorts of places. But I think I am also someone who seems approachable in public (people are forever asking me for directions). I never used the apps so I suppose chatting someone up or getting chatted up were the only options I had. LOL

As far as whether people say up front that they aren't interested, my experience was that this happened occasionally and also sometimes people just seemed less interested/available over time.

 

You sound a bit like me, before I fully accepted myself. It's only a matter of time, once the ball is rolling, before people start noticing and coming onto you.

If you could move to a vibrant and exciting new city, where nobody knew you, where there were plenty of single women looking to date other women, what hairstyle would you have? What clothing and jewellery would you wear? Would your music tastes change? ... Who would you be, if you could be anyone, if you could go on an amazing date with a lovely interested woman?

I found asking these sorts of questions helped me to understand myself more.

 

I'm sure that you will start to experience it, the more you explore yourself and become relaxed and confident in your identity. Women who have been through it already, know what to look for and some will surely hit on you, if you start sending out subtle signals.

I did find that thinking about who I wanted to be, really helped me to make fashion, diet and exercise choices that excited and felt more natural to me. It's a case of knowing, rather than simply hoping, it will happen? Once you accept you do actually want it to happen... That's the key.

 

I'm so oblivious to being chatted up. I'm sure it's happened but I never picked up on it. LOL.

 

I think it happened to me and I was oblivious before I figured out my sexuality.

 

This is something I struggle with. I always seem to be the one making the first move with women, but I've got more reticent about laying my cards on the table since being rejected a few times. I do not find women give clear signals of interest, so I have found it hard to know if a woman just sees me as just a good friend or a confidante, or if she is actually interested in pursuing something more physical. It seems that banter may be just banter and not intended to go any further. I have also noticed that some women who are older than me (I'm 48) - especially women who are over 55 - are quite into making sexual comments about women they think are attractive, which I was quite surprised about because that strikes me as really blokey and even a bit misogynistic!! I'm not prudish and I can appreciate a good body, but I a get a bit uncomfortable when women make these kind of comments about other women. On the other hand I still quite regularly get chatted up by men on dating apps even though my profile clearly states I'm a lesbian only interested in women.

 

Men 'eh? I bet they think you just haven't had a good lay yet and that's all it'd take to turn you straight.

What sort of comments are these women making? I have found most women to be shyer than most men about stating what they think out loud but I think people in general once they get past a certain age they just stop caring so much about what other people think.

 

It could be different for women, but I have discovered since I have accepted myself, I am pretty aware of if a guy likes me, where with women I could never tell. My ex girlfriends had to practically ask me out, but with guys now I pick up signals and can give them out.

 

I think its because men are just so more obvious about it. I can always tell when a guy is checking me out. They can't help flicking their eyes everywhere. I love to subtley get their attention and then catch them looking and see if they go red. With women I'm never as sure because most women will look but aren't interested. But there is one girl at work who has her eyes on me all the time, I pretend I'm not aware but I can see out of the corner of my eye and whenever we're both in the staff room, her eyes just alternate between her phone and me. But damn she is so awkward to talk to, she has a really unapproachable vibe and doesn't give much back at all. She's really attractive but I just don't know what to make of her....

 

What do you count as being 'chat up'? If you're counting being catcalled, then sure I get that a lot. Definitely uncomfortable when it happens in front of family members. Especially if it's quite... descriptive shall we say. I've had strangers outright describe fantasies to me. Please don't. I'd rather not know.

Sometimes it's not too bad. For example, one guy used the pick up line "Do you have a boyfriend? If not, can I apply?" which was somewhat amusing. Didn't know him, just a random stranger in the street.

However, if we're talking about people I know - then also yes but less often. Both men and women but usually men. I've also had the opposite, where men have (completely unprompted) told me about how I'm repulsive.

One time a woman told me that it was a pity I live so far away and that if I didn't, then perhaps she would've taken me home. Then she left. I don't know if that counts.

 

True. But even when women who became my girlfriends clearly showed interest I couldn't tell. Maybe it was subconscious that i wasn't interested, but they had to make overt moves. I pick up signals from guys a lot easier.

 

Chatting up means a couple of things to me. It could mean that someone is using small talk to open the door to more - even sex - or it could mean that someone is just being sociable. It has a nervous or assertive edge when it has romantic or sexual motives.

I want to be careful what I say here. Men have been given a longer leash on being assertive or showing it. I also get hit on by men more so than by women. I've discussed this with gay and bi friends. I'd say I'm more uneasy around women because when you go to an event or something, there's those who are really looking for someone and who view you as "fresh meat." I don't want a woman I'm not interested in - now and in the future - to be coming on to me because I'm "fresh meat." They don't seem to get it that my outlook on the situation is not going to change! The ones who can afford to be more selective or are likely to be chased don't usually do this. If they hit on me, I'm flattered. It used to happen more when I was younger!

I'm more relaxed around men and I think most people are more relaxed around people of the same gender. That's usually who you socialize with. It's also very bad news when being friendly and considerate to a woman and it seems to be interpreted as the kind of interest a creep might show. I told my current therapist about these things and said that they don't know that a small percentage of guys will go put their hand in "another cookie jar."

If what I think is a good looking guy hits on me, I'm flattered. I might even go for it. I'm less annoyed when a guy I wouldn't be interested in hits on me because they seem to get over these things more quickly and go bark up another tree in no time.

It's not like I'm getting hit on or chatted up all the time! It happens every now and then and I notice the patterns and can now decipher the situations fairly well since I have been adulting for a while!

 

I will say that people tend to fairly overt when dealing with me because my obliviousness is well known.

However, not always. Apparently some people find the idea of approaching me to be intimidating. When I was in University, I had a friend who had a crush on me for a while. I was unaware. She admitted to me that she used to ask our mutual friend how to talk to me. I always assumed she was just a socially anxious person, I didn't realise the nervousness was related to me at all.

Some women are much more bold and confident. The type of boldness not even I could miss. However, I do hang out in some rather queer spaces. So that tends to sway things. I'm fairly femme presenting and typically assumed straight by most, but assumed gay in queer spaces. There are some femme stereotypes that I fall into, so that makes sense. Generally, I find myself taking the lead and making the first move more often than being approached. After plenty of second guessing of course.

I've had men try to be subtle, only to get frustrated and switch to more overt. Typically, I'm the type of person who'll assume a lack of interest unless someone's outright staring at me or says 'I like you and no not platonically'.