Bi question

That's a tough question.

I'm bi and came out (even to myself) relatively late, in my 40s, so it's certainly possible this was always there and you were just not fully aware of it.

It sounds like it is something you should explore or give more thought to.

 

Well, I don't think I can answer that question as since coming out at the age of 30, my times of wanting to be with another guy have all been while sober and not depressed or lonely. I can certainly try, though. Not knowing if it's just because you're no longer with your ex girlfriend, or how long ago that happened, the best I can suggest is maybe give looking for anybody else to try being in a relationship with a rest until you're no longer so upset about that relationship ending and to lay off the alcohol and see if your depression and loneliness clear up on their own because those might be related to your last relationship ending. Do that, then see how you feel about trying to get with another guy. For all you know, you just want to be with somebody because your previous relationship ended possibly recently and, hurt by a woman, aren't willing try again with women right now. Or maybe you really are bi and, because you were happy with her, didn't realize it before now. Same thing happened to me, my first gay panic was in high school, didn't realize I was bi until the age of 28.

 

It's entirely possible that you subconsciously suppressed your attraction to men during the relationship with your girlfriend. If the relationship was happy and fulfilling for you, why look elsewhere? Why consider anything else? Now the relationship is over your subconscious can allow you to explore what it previously suppressed.

I think you are trying to look for a cause for the same sex attraction, when there maybe isn't one to be found. It's probably always been there, but you have never had the freedom or opportunity to explore it.

When you talk about connecting with another guy, what exactly do you mean? What does the word "connect" mean to you on a physical and emotional level? It might be worth thinking about this question to gain a bit of insight.

The inventory of your life sounds like a therapeutic process, so I'm wondering if you have considered talking to a therapist about your present and past feelings. It might be worthwhile, especially if you are feeling very torn inside. Having said that, I would urge you to avoid excessive rumination about your sexuality. Human sexuality isn't about reaching adolescence and setting everything in concrete. It's more diverse than that and it's important to recognise that our experiences and feelings may evolve and change over time, for a variety of reasons. Try to avoid going down rabbit holes that will exacerbate those torn up feelings.

 

I came out at 29 and kept my feelings towards guys a secret but always knew the feelings were there.

 

I came out to myself only recently, and I'm in my late 40s. Oddly enough, my husband said I showed signs of being bi but denied it for eons. I think I knew, deep down, but didn't want to admit to myself or anyone else. I wasn't ready.

I think you need to do what JavyD3 suggested... Explore and give more thought to it. Like the rest of us, it's possible it was there and you were not aware of it.

Just don't forget to breathe. Talk if you need to, and remember we're all here for you.

 

Slightly controversial, but I don't think every man who has sex with other men is gay, or even bisexual. I tend to agree with the therapist Joe Kort that some guys just get really horny for sex and go with other guys to get off. Sometimes it's anonymous sex, sometimes it's sex with a trusted male friend who wants discreet fun too. We could say they are sexually curious, but why label them at all?

I asked the question about connection because I wondered if this applied to you. It really doesn't sound like you have an enduring attraction to, or romantic feelings for other men and having read what you wrote, it sounds like it was/is just for the sex. If you think about it like that, does it alter your perspective?

I would be very careful about drawing this conclusion. Although many people who were abused in childhood jump to this conclusion, there really is no evidence to suggest that childhood sexual abuse is causative.

I am sorry that you are struggling so much following the break up of your relationship, but please try to avoid ruminating over what your feelings mean. It will only make things worse. The answers are possibly simpler than you imagine.

 

You sound bisexual to me. It’s okay to have feelings for men and women. That’s totally normal and definitely nothing to feel ashamed of. It sounds like you are in a very vulnerable place though mentally so I think maybe giving yourself a break might benefit you. Maybe take some time for yourself and allow the feelings you have to marinate.

 

I agree, this is how, looking back, how I had sex with women, I was just trying to 'get off'. And plenty of gay men had hetro sex for years before they came out.

But in some cases isn't there something known called 'acting out' repeating the trauma?

 

I can relate my friend. I experimented with a guy when I was a teenager, he initiated it and I went along , i tried to put away the fact that I enjoyed it. But it never went away. I’ve been married for 20 years and when my relationship with my wife is struggling I always think about hooking up with guys . I’m
Just now at stage one of accepting my feelings. Just be strong and remember your not alone

 

Not really and if you think about it, such an idea is totally illogical. I have heard people trot out this idea, but human beings don't gravitate towards trauma, they avoid it. We're not talking about adrenaline junkies seeking a thrill, but people who were traumatised in the innocence of childhood. There is no credible evidence that sexual abuse in childhood is causative and I would dismiss any ideas to the contrary.

 

The mind is not logical. I am not saying this is causative of sexuality but it can cause re-enacting trauma from what i have read.

"According to psychiatrist and researcher Bessel van der Kolk, “Many traumatized people expose themselves, seemingly compulsively, to situations reminiscent of the original trauma."
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...hy-do-we-repeat-the-past-in-our-relationships

" we found a highly significant relationship between childhood sexual abuse and various kinds of self-harm later in life, particularly cutting and self-starving.143a Clinical reports also consistently show that self-mutilators have childhood histories of physical or sexual abuse, or repeated surgery"
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2664732/
https://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

 

You're all but alone. Coming to terms with one's sexuality can be a daunting task, especially if there are internalised negative stereotypes involved. I'd say the reason why you could be more interested in looking for a guy when drunk, depressed or lonely is that it's just harder to resist urges in those states. My own first time with a man happened much because I was all three at the moment and the man in question was a charming fellow. But had I been in better shape that moment, I probably would refuse his advances. And even after the experience, it took years to come to terms with my sexuality, even if I pretty much knew it was the case long before that, for lack of a better word, fateful, hookup.

 

Sorry to hear that it's not going well. Sexuality is a one tricky part of human nature... And sexual and romantic orientations can differ in the same person, that's doesn't seem to be uncommon.

 

Wish I could offer you more than words and virtual (but nevertheless heartfelt) *hug*
So many things would be easier if we realised and accepted things about ourselves while we were younger... If that was even possible, considering that we had not have the information that is available now.