I’m going to start off by saying that I dislike all these labels. But for augments sake I feel I have to just say I’m bisexual bc I have had sex with guys. Last night I was just thinking and imagining what I would feel like if I just came out and said it. I prefer to be with a women but I feel I have to open up about this side of me. I lost what I thought was the love of my life for being honest about my past and my sexual orientation journey. I don’t never want to go through this heart ache so I feel I should just come out. I appreciate any feedback in advance.
Only you can make a decision about coming out and only you can make a decision about what label (if any) is most appropriate for you. Human sexuality is more diverse than some people imagine and it's important to recognise that our feelings can develop and change over time. Our sexual orientation is not necessarily determined by past experiences, but is far more connected to our enduring feelings. There are men who engage in sexual activities with other men, but still primarily identify as straight. It's not my place, nor anyone else's, to dispute their self identification. However, it may be worth reflecting on what these encounters actually mean to you. Are they purely for sexual gratification - to "get off", or do you experience a deeper emotional connection with the guys you have sex with? Your answer to this question could shed light on your true feelings and help determine the most fitting label for your identity. If you genuinely feel that you are mostly straight, it is perfectly acceptable to embrace that label. In actual fact, it is likely the most accurate description for many individuals who identify as straight. Few of us are gold star straights or gays! Being truthful about our sexual identity is to be commended, particularly when entering a new relationship. It is advisable to be honest about it from the beginning before we become too invested. However, this honesty does not necessarily undermine everything else we have come to understand about ourselves Remember, you have the right to define your own sexual orientation based on your current and predominant feelings and attractions. Trust your own instincts and do what feels right for you. Use this forum as a sounding board, when you need to.
JavyD3.....Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! Some important factors in deciding when to come out are: *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you. *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can sometimes be difficult. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality, perhaps for years…giving them at least some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check out the letters (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're Bi?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal depending upon your friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or six probable questions with the answers already planned, you will likely be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
@JavyD3, I get what you are saying. As a fellow Bi-guy, i have to advise you that understanding and accepting who you are is the first and most important step. If you accept that you are truly Bi, then perhaps you can start to Come Out to friends and family aroound you, if you feel that it is safe and if you feel that they will either be accepting or that you can exclude them from your life if they are unaccepting. Unfortunately, for Bi people there are additional issues that we sometimes have to deal with that gay people don't. The first is that some people don't believe that bisexuality exists (this is called Bi Erasure). (Unfortunately, Gay people tend to be the worst with this prejudice. Many gay people first Come Out as Bi because they think that this might make it easier for their friends and family to accept the fact that they aren't straight. Unfortunately, this also means that such people tend to think that because they used Bisexuality as a segway to Coming Out as gay, that those of us who actually are Bi are also actually gay people who are having trouble admittting that we are actually 'gay'. The other main issue that Bi people can face upon Coming Out is the perception that we are either "greedy" because we want both male and female partners and/or that we crave threesomes or more orgies. This is ridiculous, of course. Most Bi people focus on one partner at a time, just like straight and gay people. Just be prepared If/When you decide to Come Out for this kind of potential push-back. But, I hope that, if/when you Come Out, you will only find unconditional acceptance. Best of Luck! QR
And how did it feel? I am sorry you had a negative experience being honest with someone, not everyone is going to like your decisions but don't conflate who you are with someone else's opinion. When I first came here I was scared and in denial about being gay. I never thought in a million years I would come out or even admit to myself that I was gay. I am not out to everyone, but the friends I am out to, I am much closer with and I feel I am the real 'me' around them. From what i have read of your posts so far, I think @Quantumreality makes an excellent point. Personally I wouldn't or couldn't do anything until I reached that point. And once you do reach that point, for many the desire to come out becomes pretty natural.
Try a podcast I found called The Bisexual Brunch. It covers a lot of this. When the shock and awe that hit my wife six years ago after my confession, subsided, she was the one who tentatively put the Bisexual title out there for me to adopt. I grabbed it of course, because it made me acceptable to her. And that meant that life couod go on. And it did. Now the kids are at uni, and the gay movies just keep coming RW&RB has burned itself into my tablet's pixels. I signed onto G..r and met a guy. It's gone nowhere but at least I've dampened down this war in my head. (I'm British, we don't really do 'Therapists'). And I'm off to the gay sauna. Let's see where that goes.
Whatever labels there might be, you are you and your sexuality is but one aspects of you. They might be useful for getting an idea across, but they don’t and can’t define who you, or anyone else, are. I’m really sorry to hear that your relationship broke because of your past experiences Coming out can exhilarating, daunting, shocking, amazing and any combination of those things, just as reaction might go all the way from disgust to immediate acceptance; but there seems not to be the one right way or even a loosely defined method of how, when and to whom to come out. Or even whether to come out at all. I’ve been in a similar situation, losing a romantic partner because of being honest about my sexuality… But my takeaway was not to tell my next partner about past sexual experiences and not to ask about them, because, if we’re going to be in a committed monogamous relationship, because does it even matter who we have slept with before or whom we will be with should I relationship end? (Not implying this is the right or anything, it’s just what worked for me up to now) That said, if you feel that you need to come out to someone in your life, you probably should.
