Hello, everyone. I am new here as a poster but I have read a lot of the threads on the forums already. Hopefully, I get as much out of posting and interacting here as I have reading content. The general question that I want to ask is about a friend of mine who is currently living with his girlfriend. It appears that he has been trying to tell me that he is gay without saying it explicitly. I know that many on here are very familiar with the process of discovering and owning ones sexuality in addition to coming out so perhaps the insight I can get here will be very helpful. Would anybody care to offer any ideas about why he might be doing it in this manner rather than just saying it? Also, what is he wanting me to do or how is he expecting me to respond? A bit more pertinent information is that he does not know about my sexuality yet. I also believe that he has been quite clearly expressing interest in me via flirting and such. I will, of course, be glad to answer questions and provide details as requested or needed by anyone who cares to respond.
LemonCurrry.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. *****It's tough sometimes to know what someone means...are they trying to tell me something or is this just they way they are? I think your best approach is to very low-key drop him a text if you can and just ask. That way you aren't in a face-to-face situation where he might be embarrassed and not answer truthfully because he is afraid how it will sound or is just nervous. Text or voice-message, if you can, gives him the chance to think about his answer a bit before he responds and that could be a good thing! Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
Thank you, quebec, for the warm welcome and the response. I will certainly consider texting him as an option as I can see the benefit of using a less immediate, less "confrontational" approach. Do you have any idea why he appears to be trying to tell me so much that he is gay? It is especially confusing because, in addition to living with his girlfriend, he talks so much about dating and having sex with women. He sounds like a nymphomaniac or something the way he talks about being addicted to vagina and being weak to women and I sometimes wonder just how many women he was supposed to have been sexual with assuming it is all true. And if I am right about what he is trying to tell me, what might he want me to do? Like I mentioned in my post, he also appears to be very interested in me, so does he want me to act on it somehow? Does this sound like a scenario anyone is even remotely familiar or experienced with?
Hello @LemonCurry, Since it is his decision alone whether or not he wants to Come Out (assuming he is other than purely heterosexual), there is a limit to what you can do proactively. For example as you probably know, you shouldn't confront him about his sexuality. If or when he might decide to confide in you, is completely up to him. In the meantime, if you are comfortable doing so, you could make comments that show that you are at least an Ally. For example, if an LGBTQ issue comes up in the news or in a discussion when the two of you are together, you could make supportive comments about the issue. If I may ask, what are the signs that you've seen (beyond the possible flirting) that make you think (1) he might be gay and (2) that he might be on the verge of openly Coming Out to you? QR
I will make a note upfront to anyone reading this. There might be some sensitive language ahead. The first signal was when he was complaining about an issue he was having with his girlfriend while we were working out in the gym. He ended up saying that he wished that he was gay and the reason being that all the gay couples he knew seemed to have it together in terms of their relationship and their finances. On two later occasions, he repeated this statement. The third time, I assumed that he was wanting some sort of response so I told him about a time when I saw a gay couple in a courtroom where one was trying to get a restraining order on the other. My point was that I didn't think that things are necessarily so happy and flowery with gay couples either. His response to that was, "Well maybe it could just be a couple of niggas." He and I are both black. He soon repeated that once again and followed it up with "I bet you are wondering how in the world we got here". One time in the gym he said that "it is hard being a masculine, gay, black man". I thought this was a strange thing for an ostensibly straight man to say and I didn't really respond but he did go on to tell a story about a alleged former coworker of his who was a black guy who presented as straight with pictures of him with women on his social media and such. He claimed that one day he clocked this guy looking at an attractive guy who walked in and he said that he had the guy sussed out then and there. He said that he asked or confronted the guy about his sexuality and the guy denied being gay but later admitted that he was. I thought this was a strange and somewhat incongruent story to attach to the original statement about being a masculine, gay, black man. It also made him out to be a cause of the difficulty. Multiple friends in real life I have mentioned this to suspect that he is the actual subject of his own story. Another incident happened on a rainy day in town. We were on the phone and he was out and about in his truck. He had to get out and go into a store and was complaining about the rain. I was like, "Man, it is only a little drizzle. It isn't gonna hurt you." He said he didn't like it and said something to the tune of he was fragile "like the little princess I was meant to be". On another recent occasion, we were having a bit of an intersectionality discussion talking about white LGBT folks vs black LGBT folks. He was saying that a gay man can conceal that they are gay, but you can't conceal your skin color. He said something like, "You can claim that you are straight. Pretend that you are straight. Grow a beard (at this point he actually stroked his own full, heavy beard), and no one will ever know." I could swear somewhere in there, I seem to recall he also made a passing mention about feeling some kind of pain inside about the concealment. A couple of weeks ago there was a pride event at a local brewery that we had been to before. The day before, as I parted ways with him, he said that he was thinking of going (with me being there too, of course) to the brewery. He told me that they were doing a pride event and then quickly mentioned that there was going to be other stuff there too like the food trucks. He is a big foodie. I basically said, "Cool. Let me know." This surprised me considering that months before, when a guy we were talking to apparently assumed we were a couple twice, he immediately yet causally mentioned his girlfriend both times. Now he was expressing interest in going to a pride event with me? Anyway, the following day we didn't end up going. I texted him and asked if he was still interested in any of the plans he mentioned for that day and he said that he "got kidnapped believe it or not". He was referring to being with his girlfriend at her family's house which was about 2 hours away. Those are some of the things I remember off the top of my head. I didn't even get into the flirtation. LOL
@LemonCurry, Thanks for your response. Admittedly, there are some possible indications that he is gay, but the reality will still be up in the air unless/until such time as he may decide to confide in you. Is he in a situation with his family and or friends that would make Coming Out extremely detrimental to his living situation? Also, if I may ask, are you attracted to him at all? You don't actually have to answer that. I ask that simply to bring to your attention the possibility that, if you are attracted to him, your feelings could play a role in how you are interpreting his actions. Would there be a possibility that you could find an LGBTQ event in your area and invite him to go with you? You could tell him it was to make up for the event at the brewery that the two of you never got to go to. Inviting him to an LGBTQ event would be a great way to show him that you are an Ally. By agreeing to go the the brewery event (even though the two of you never actually went), he knows that you are open and have his back as a friend. By taking the initiative and inviting him to a similar event with an LGBTQ representation (and making a point of telling him that), he may start to see you as an Ally and become more comfortable with the idea of Coming Out to you. Just some thoughts. QR
Unfortunately, I do not know enough about his situation with those close to him. I do know that he went to a private Jesuit high school which he both readily describes as hell and which he also readily admits has done a number on him and his thinking. I imagine that is where he picked up a lot of his ideas about not being "weak" and not being "a bitch" from. It really sounds like it was a highly toxic, oppressive environment. I am also attracted to him and I am aware of the unfortunate subjectivity that may be bringing in to my interpretation of his words and behavior. I honestly did not develop feelings (that I was aware of at least) until the flirting started. A lot of those early statements about wishing he was gay, and it being hard being a masculine, gay, black man did not come across as being about him at the time. Sure I found them to be awfully strange things for him to say and it had me looking at him sideways, but I just assumed that he was trying to suss me out because I did not suspect him due to the way he presents himself. It wasn't until the "couple of niggas" line and the touching that began on that same day that I started to get an idea about him and started to develop feelings in response. The idea of inviting him to an LGBT event is an interesting one. I will put that in my back pocket. I do try to talk like an ally every time it comes up...and it comes up with this guy.
The hardest part now is going to be waiting for him to Come Out to you (if in fact, he is gay or bi and actually is, as you said "sussing" you out as a possible confidant). Have you considered Coming Out to him? If you were to Come Out to him, then he would know that you are not an Ally, but rather an actual member of the LGBTQ community. (I'm not recommending that you Come Out to him, I'm just asking if you have considered it as a possible course of action at some point.) QR
Actually, telling him about myself, but not the way I feel about him, is what I am planning on doing. I am just trying to find an inconspicuous moment when we are 1-on-1 and face-to-face to do it. My thought is that I will create a safe space and just sit back and see if it draws him out.
I wish you the best of luck @LemonCurry. Just remember not to press him. If you violate his right to protect or share information about his sexuality, you could lose any possibility that he will open up to you and you could also possibly lose him as a friend - especially if he is not ready to Come Out. QR
Thank you, Quantumreality. I most certainly will avoid asking him directly about his own sexuality. I will just lay my cards on the table and see what, if anything, unfolds. Honestly, I am already afraid that I am losing him as a friend, or at least, that he is trying to really scale it back lately. That has nothing to do with me probing or pushing about his sexual orientation though.
Hey for what it’s worth that was going to be my advice. To come out to him and make sure he knows you are a safe place to talk and then the rest really is up to him. It is possible he is just figuring out or coming to terms with his sexuality.
