I am trying again to make some gay friends. I went to a meetup today and it was OK-ish. I didn't really talk much and was on my own quite a bit but once people talked to me I was able to keep the conversation going. One person offered to buy me coffee and said I could add them on social media. I kept thinking about how I'm not good looking enough, not rich enough, not knowledgeable enough about mainstream gay pop culture. I don't want to seem creepy by asking lots of questions, but I also don't want to monopolise the conversation by talking about myself. I can't tell if I did something wrong to make people not want to talk to me. I felt like people spent longer talking to each other than they all did with me. A few times when I was on my own people came over to talk to me but I really struggle to think of conversation topics. I don't know if I should go again or if I'd be welcome. I did say to one person that I struggle with socialising with strangers (I tried to make a joke of it) because I have Resting Bitch Face (it's true, and I think it is one of the main reasons why people don't talk to me). I also wonder if I give off nervous energy. A 'friend' once said that I give off "Angry, nervous energy". That's upset me a lot, because I always want people to like me. How do I tell if I messed up or not? Should I try going again?
Hey I think it’s unlikely that it’s as bad as it might feel. Often when we go to these things we then analyse every aspect of our conversations and stuff and the people you have talked to are not doing that. I definitely think you should go again, hopefully if you go a few times you will feel more comfortable and it will get easier. Don’t put yourself down for the things you are not, because there are people out there who don’t want those things.
Give yourself credit - it's hard making friends. And it's hard hanging out with multiple people with a bit of social anxiety. I'm not sure the situation, but if these people have done the meetup before, then it makes sense that they talk more to people they already know. It sucks, but most of the time friends are made through repeated interactions (eg school or work), and don't became good friends after a hang out or two. I understand it's uncomfortable, but definitely go back. The more you go, the more likely it is that you will find some sort of common ground with at least somebody lol.
The quote above gives you everything you need to know as to how it went. Everything you have mentioned is positive and it sounds like that overall you had a good time and were able to connect with others. As Silverhalo and HM03 mentioned, it's going to take some time to build a friendship or deeper connection. Try not to worry about what others might think or feel towards you. You can't control that. Concentrate on what you can control. Place your energy in making things work for you - perhaps working on being more confident in social interactions, not worrying about whether you are asking too many questions. Asking questions is a good way to get a conversation started, getting to know somebody. At some point, you will come across a topic that you can relate to. I'd say go to the next meetup and continue interacting with others. As HM03 mentioned, it can be uncomfortable but the more you are present, the likelier it is that you will create connections. Making yourself vulnerable, being yourself, will help in getting to know others.
Hello @lottaotter, I agree with what @Mirko wrote. The first meeting seems to have been a success for someone with a shy personality. I would certainly recommend going again. At the very least 'nothing ventured, nothing gained.' It's also more likely that the next time, there will be people who were there the first meeting you went to and now you will be a more familiar face, which may prompt more of them to approach you. If the guy that offered to buy you coffee is there, maybe you could take him up on it - or approach him and offer to buy him coffee. If the two of you get to talking and you get to explain why you are there and a little about yourself (while also asking him about himself), he is likely to introduce you to other people in the meeting that he knows. Just some thoughts. QR
Thanks everyone, I hope you're right. I hate being shy. I tried so hard since I was little to not be shy but recently I feel like I've gone back some steps. It seems stupid and unmanly to be shy still as an adult man. But then other people who aren't shy don't have the same 'backstory' as me. I can't seem to find any way to raise my confidence or self-esteem at all. I try to go out a lot and make conversations with people but it seems like in the city I moved to people just don't wanna speak, or maybe just not to someone who looks like me? I will go to another event anyway.
Maybe try to challenge thoughts like: Shyness is very common and isn't a personal failing. As well as continuing to expose yourself to social situations, I really think you need to work on catching unhelpful and inaccurate thoughts and try to reframe them more objectively.
