I’m hoping to get an understanding of what is arousing to gay men outside of pornography. Granted, each person’s individual tastes will vary, but what naturally arouses you as a gay man?
Hmmm, let’s see here... My taste in men is someone who is trim, intelligent, well groomed, with a pleasant smile, and expressive eyes. The eye thing is hard to put into words but it’s kind of a connection thing. He should be able to converse and be open minded to other ideas. Meeting a man like that automatically sparks my interests.
A romantic sensual encounter is so incredibly arousing when with the right man. Kissing and cuddling with foreplay adds so much pleasure to man to man sexuality.
@Contented @Beezy @Jakebusman i appreciate your responses. I know there was not much clarity in the OP but @Jakebusman definitely responded with what I was inquiring about. Any more it seems as though I’m more “attracted” to men, at least from an aesthetic point of view, but I have yet to experience arousal from a man from seeing them in public, on TV or social media, or porn. To be honest, my fantasies seem to be so convoluted and mixed up it’s kind of hard to tell what it is that actually gets me aroused, which is actually a rare occasion when I fantasize. I know sexuality and orientation is much more than what arouses you but I can’t shake this notion of being attracted to men or being gay when they don’t arouse me or have yet to do so. This also makes me apprehensive about experimenting with a man. On some level I don’t really have the desire to do so, but that could just be fear or denial talking. But it just seems that as I move through this journey, that’s who I’m attracted to. It’s rather confusing. I’ve been aroused just by seeing a photo (not nude) of certain trans women on dating apps and I’m very aroused by the trans woman I’ve been seeing, even in very non-sexual situations. But again, I have this notion within me that I’m lying to myself when it comes to trans women.
detroit, I certainly understand and I am wanting to do my best to be supportive but also accurate and honest in doing so. You are struggling with your attraction to trans women and I understand that. Please don’t confuse that with being gay. I happen to have more experience than most of being attracted to men for many years but trying to force myself straight for a number of reasons. It seems like your journey and mine have similarities but in reverse. I didn’t want to be gay. I grew up in an extremely oppressive homophobic family and kept my feelings secret in fear of being punished. I didn’t date a woman until college. I had sex with actually quite a few during those times and ended up marrying a woman. As early as my honeymoon my attraction to men became hard to ignore. Later for the sake of a wife and kids I locked myself in the sexual closet until I couldn’t deny that I’m truly gay. I tried my best to not be who I am but it didn’t work. So why am I telling you all of this? I really don’t have to guess if I could possibly maybe under certain circumstances force myself to be aroused to men. I’m constantly aroused by attractive men because I’m gay. At long last I’ve found a man that I can share that part of me with. That is not the same as being attracted to a trans-woman. You know what people say about opinions and a-holes, everybody’s got one so I’m not pretending to be an expert but I really don’t think that you are gay. Of course, I can’t be 100% on that because I am just judging from your posts. But I do sense the anxiety and upset in your posts and want you to know that you may be attracted to trans or cis-gendered women and that doesn’t necessarily imply that you are anything but attracted to both cis or trans women. Many men are affected by homosexual OCD these days and it can steal away your joy in life. I want the best for you and to find peace and happiness. A good “no-bullshit” therapist may be able to better understand yourself.
I think mentioned that you have OCD or have been diagnosed with it? you had some excellent advice from @Chip: I would add, from what i have seen, no amount of testing or asking is going to help you. I will be blunt. As @Beezy said I didn't want to be gay and denied it for years. I tried to make excuses and rationalize but no matter what when it came to sexual arousal: I am/was revolted by giving oral sex with women, but (speaking of what arouses me) the bulge of a cute guy looks delicious, and I easily can fantasy and get aroused about performing oral sex on a man. I was able to have sex with women and organism but the arousal and sense of intimacy was nothing like the first time a man entered me and we had anal sex. I see women as beautiful but no matter how much I tried, I really couldn't get aroused or even naturally fantasize. On the other hand, with a cute guy I can easily imagine both sexual acts and romantic intimacy. In other words, I didn't have to 'try' this just came naturally. Granted it became more intense after accepted myself but it was always there. "Testing" won't help. If i tried to 'test' my sexual tastes and fantasies like people with OCD do here, I probably would just get confused. Please do yourself a favor and try to get help about this -and realize that the testing and asking is just part of the problem.
I very much appreciate your candid reply @Beezy, more than you know. My intention with my posts and comments isn’t to be bothersome. Not that you’re saying they are. I can totally relate to what you said about the “forcing” thing, if only in the sense of understanding who I am through the use of a label. Perhaps that is the OCD. As stated elsewhere, I’ve not been formally diagnosed but my therapist, an OCD specialist, has identified obsessive and compulsive tendencies. That said, she is cautious about a diagnosis as I do have an attraction to trans women and it’s possible, on some level, that I could be attracted to men. However, we are still working on this as though it is OCD until it either subsides or things become more clear. As mentioned earlier, on some level I do feel “attracted” to men. I can be watching a show and be very taken with a man. It generally causes anxiety but it seem hard for me to believe that’s just the OCD talking. That paired with the fact that I really don’t seem to be attracted to cisgender women anymore caused me to question it being simply OCD. However, there’s the arousal issue. So again, maybe it is the OCD. What you said about not having to try to be aroused by men speaks volumes. That was actually the basis of this post because I know porn can be an unreliable indicator of sexuality. I know that being attracted to trans-woman does not make someone gay but as stated before, something within me keeps telling me I’m gay and it’s kind of hard to ignore. But it’s not along the lines of “you like trans women or are dating someone with a penis therefore you’re gay,” rather it’s this feeling/notion that I, myself, am gay and that I’m lying to myself by pursuing and dating trans women. Perhaps this is simply me struggling to accept my attraction to trans women on the conscious level or maybe it’s the OCD. I’m happy to hear that you’ve come to peace and happiness with yourself. I suppose at the end of the day that’s what I’m after as well. I do truly appreciate your input. The good news is that I am regularly undergoing therapy so hopefully that will help me come to acceptance which ever way this goes.
@Searching2022 I really appreciate your input. I won’t repeat all that I said when I responded to @Beezy but I’ve technically not been diagnosed with OCD but recently after seeing an OCD specialist as having obsessive and compulsive tendencies on top of Generalized Anxiety Disorder diagnosed years earlier. I know the testing and asking are part of the problem and I need to do better regarding doing those. But I do have this moments when I see a man on the street or on TV and think he’s attractive. Generally, these moments are accompanied by anxiety rather than butterflies or arousal. Given my history of trans porn, experiments with trans women and the fact that I’m currently dating a trans women, it’s kind of hard for me to just chalk this up to simply being OCD. To your point, I do think the continued testing and questioning is probably doing more to confuse me. But then again, I’ll have these moments or encounters with men and it’s hard not to think or believe that I’m lying or deluding myself. However, I can’t explain the lack of arousal. I guess it comes down to whether or not this OCD thing is legitimate in my case or just contributing to my denial…
Brother, you’re not a bother and this is one place where you can talk openly and have people who have been through lots of things care enough to try to help. First thing, you need to tell that little voice inside you to STFU. It’s lying to you. You are not gay. The OCD is making you miserable and you have to accept that you no longer have to live that way any more What @Searching2022 posted is so true and he and I are identical and that’s what makes us gay and you not. You are not in denial of anything other than the OCD is controlling you. Maybe take a break from sex for a while (cis, trans,mormwhatever) and just get the OCD treated effectively so that you can have a meaningful relationship with the person that is right for you.
Plenty of gay men see attractive women all the time. I even see men I think are attractive but I am not aroused because they are not my type. Just about everyone on this forum who is gay or lesbian say they can tell you who is considered good looking by the opposite sex. Great advice here:
I got to ask, were you ever sexually attracted to your wife or found sex with her great? Or had feelings?
W if you got aroused by having sex with women, arent you bi? It just confuses me because I am a woman who struggle to figure out if I am bi or lesbian. I fantasize about being with men romantically, I can see men in porn/ actors and get aroused by their faces, voices, shoulders, butts and thinking about how the dick moves with penetration. I can get aroused by all those things. But rarely anything Else. In real life I get turned on making out with my male partner, touching his parts and laying close feeling his thing. I just thought I couldnt be lesbian because of those feelings. But you say you had sex with women and got aroused?
I i would say it is not a good thing for you to post on here. I have ocd too about my sexuality. One thing I Will Tell you about OCD: ocd can give you fake arousal called groinal response. OCD can give false attractions. (Info from several therapists specialized in ocd) All sorts of things.
Yes I was sexually attracted to her through our dating and first part of our marriage. The difference was that i also had some level of male attraction. Over time my attraction to men became more difficult to suppress and my attraction to my wife as well as women in general dissipated. In terms of feelings I did have feeling and continue to have some level of feelings for her. It has been difficult with the presence of my wife’s addiction to substances. I’ve done my best not to make a value judgment with her and recognize her problems as disease and the feelings have evolved to more of support and close friendship than romance.
BTW, I don't want to come across as Mother Theresa about the addiction situation and support. I've had plenty of arguments and fights over the topic and as a result a good share of resentment. So don't think that I've just been holding her hand over the years. Living with that crap can make you bitter.
me too me too I got aroused by the physical stimulation. People can feel arousal from sex toys, or as many gay men do, fantasizing about gay sex while having sex with a female partner. Few people are 100% gay. Yes there have been times I have enjoyed sex with a woman but its nothing like having sex with a man.
Well as stated, I’ve not been formally diagnosed as having OCD. I have been seeing an OCD specialist and she has identified that I do have obsessive and compulsive tendencies but she does recognize that on some level I am truly questioning my sexuality. I have also been dating a non-op trans woman. Now, trans women are women so that in and of itself doesn’t make me gay. However, I can admit to enjoying the sexual aspect of the relationship, which biologically is not heterosexual and that’s why I enjoy it. That paired with the fact that I have seemingly lost my attraction to and ability to be aroused by cisgender women and now find myself feeling attracted to men, albeit with no arousal and a lot of anxiety, does make me question if it is indeed simply OCD. Perhaps it is false attraction and OCD, that remains to be seen. On the other hand, it does seem as though denial could be at play here, apart from the arousal bit. Gone are the days of me claiming or believe myself to be exclusively heterosexual, this much I know. Could OCD be a part of it? Perhaps.
