Loving Myself First Is Hard To Do

I hope others have good ideas to help bc I need it too. For me it's mostly other stuff I don't like about me but also the stress being gay, considering all the hate and politics against us, hurts at times too so it's rough being alive in general. Lots of people here who are/were married to relate to and come by to advise. You sound hopeful so that's great. Do you talk with a therapist or others you can talk with about anything? Happy 4th too and I'm pulling for you!

 

I was told when I came out you have to accept yourself first that was the hardest part for me

 

I am not married but here are a lot of people on EC who have and came out to their spouses. There has been a whole range of responses. But one consistent thing I have seen here - once you admit to yourself you're gay you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

When we self accept, the old 'denial' you starts to feel like an uncomfortable mask and you'll find that you have an urge to want to tell people.

When I first came out to a close friend, she was the only person I felt 'real' around. Once you realize how comfortable it is you get more comfortable being out than in the closet. But you don't have to come out to the whole world at once, or even anyone but yourself. For me the best strategy is to life my life forward, but I can see with a wife and family it is different.

I had a lot of indications I was gay but avoided it for years. I was scared of being gay but on the other side of all that fear was an incredible feeling of self acceptance, warmth and happiness.

 

I fell so much better after coming out was a huge weight off my shoulders I been carrying for years

 

This is so true and so accurately describes my experiences coming out.

 

Sorry if this has been discussed at more length in another thread, but what are your expectations with your wife and family after coming out?

 

Thinking about telling people makes me cry instantly and I wish it didn't and I could fix whatever it is since it hurts so bad. I never wanted this...

 

I know my situation isn't yours- @Jamez76, having wife and family make things much more complicated and difficult. I am not married or close to family and live in a very LGBTQ friendly city and work for a very pro LGBTQ company and I was still afraid of coming out or even admitting it to myself.

I thought I 'never wanted it' either - but when I really thought about it, I realized that I really did want it and what I thought was me not wanting it was really fear of what others might think. Now that's a real issue for you two and for some people in some situations (for example in a country where you might face severe penalties) its way more than just other people's thoughts- there are real consequences.

But for me once I understood I really wanted to be with another man sexually and romantically, that ended the internal conflict for me. Before that I was beating myself up and asking why couldn't I just like women. But self acceptance changed that.

Instead of dreading my feelings, once I accepted them, I realized that I did have a capacity for love and intimacy. Before accepting myself I just thought sex and dating were just not that exciting to me because I was a loner. I thought everyone had to kind of wince while having sex and just wanted to get it over with. Now I see my sexual and romantic feelings benefits . I can be really really really close with the right person. I don't have a boyfriend yet but at least knowing I have the capacity for love changed how I thought about myself.

I was terrified to come out to my friend, but now the people I am out to I am so much closer than people who I am not out to because they know the real me.

 

I feel that people who, for the most part, like or love themselves are very fortunate.

A lot of people on our forum have gone through some very difficult things and have suffered, so I'm not at all surprised we have issues with liking or loving ourselves.

Before even getting into the thread, the first thing I thought about is comparing ourselves to others. We should stop doing that too much. That's easier said than done. Is this how we are naturally wired so that some of this is okay and healthy? So, then, what is too much?

Similar but different, there is ruminating. In my last session with my new therapist, he gave me 2 short articles on how rumination and depression are linked. The ass hole therapist I had before wasn't anywhere as thoughtful. When we ruminate, we look back on what disappoints us or we are angry about and comparisons may be built into that process. I am just guessing. I don't know.

I can only offer that comparing and ruminating have been big problems for me and they could easily detract from having a healthy relationship with and perception of ourselves.

 

You could try getting away from it and focusing on something else that will build your confidence for a little while. A new fitness regime or/and diet, perhaps; a makeover, with a slant towards clothing, toiletries and jewellery that starts to better express (without going all-out Joe Exotic) your true identity; reading LGBT+ blogs, books and magazines... All these things would help you to love and accept yourself, more, and build a strong foundation of self acceptance, self worth and self confidence in the long run, too, for when you hopefully do come out and start dating.

 

Yeah but think about what you'll gain. The relief of not lying to yourself or to others, after so long, would be huge. The shame that's built up over the years can gradually be replaced with self-acceptance. Even for your wife, after the initial shock there would probably be an element of relief in knowing that the problems with your marriage, which I assume are there and which she will not have failed to notice, were not her fault.

No amount of rumination or mental preparation will make the actual process of telling her anything less than very difficult. It's a bandage that just needs to be ripped off. If you can summon the courage, sooner rather than later, you can start the process of becoming yourself, and your family can start the process of healing and adjusting to the new reality.