Hello I know I've been posting a lot these past few days, so I apologize for that. I've been overthinking things a lot. I won't stop pursuing transitioning, but I think I finally accepted the fact that I still haven't accepted that I'm trans. Weird, I know. It's taken a while to become aware of this, because I mostly pushed it down out of shame that I wasn't where I wanted to be in coming to terms with myself. Went from "not trans > maybe trans > maybe i just brainwahsed myself > trans but i want to be stealth, because it's easier to deal with the world and definitely not because it's easier to ignore an integral part of who i am". I'm at a point where I literally can't think of myself as anything other than a man (it just Makes Sense), but can't deal with the "trans" label. And i thought accepting that transitioning is a must for me was enough, but apparently not. My sex is female. My gender identity is male. I cannot think of myself as anything other than male. I am a man. This, by definition, makes me transgender. And YET my weird lil brain goes: "no, you're not trans because you don't fit this very absurd list of criteria that you only apply to yourself and no one else. Still male tho, just a fake trans." (??????) I don't know what to make of this other than my hatred for my own human condition keeps pushing irrational thoughts that make absolutely no sense. At this point, I've stopped trying to understand and correct them. I've just been trying to keep going forward, ignoring the stupid voice in my head that tries to discredit my existence in the most absurd way possible. But honestly, I don't think it'll ever disappear unless i fully accept who I am. Sure, i might be able to bury it deep down, but at some point it will resurface. This needs to be dealt with. But how does one accept themselves? I'm aware it's a journey, probably a very long one, but it's one that I need to speedrun, at least partly, because otherwise it'll kill me from within. I feel lost and frustrated at myself. I'm tired of feeling this way; I need to become better.
I still very much hate myself, so I have no cut and dry answer for you, but I can tell you the two things that have helped me start down the path to acceptance and my own happiness for once. Talking to supportive people and therapy have helped me. I'm at a place where I've started to open up more to friends and finally show them the broken mess I've been this whole time. I'm able to cry in front of them now, where before I couldn't. I'm able to talk to my therapist fully truthfully with little fear of judgement, thankfully, though I can't let anyone in my family know I see her. You are valid, and seen for the man you are here.
Don't be sorry for posting. This is what this forum is for. To get support. Accepting yourself is a journey. I struggled a lot with it. One thing that made it easier was reading other peoples experience, other thing was that the more I do gender affirming things, the more happier I get. It's about listening your own needs and not ignoring yourself. I still haven't fully accepted it all. It all felt unfair. Why do I have to go through this all, but I've realized it's who I am. It's something that helps me to become my true self and I shouldn't hate myself, because my soul is already going through so much.
Redstatic, this is really common. I think most of us trans folk have gone through a stage of doubting ourselves and questioning if what we are feeling really is real. In my own case..well, I went through a seven week stage when I wasn't sure if I was trans, even wishing it would all 'go away' like it had before, when these thoughts had surfaced. For me, the clincher was hearing my name for the first time. I'll never forget it. A friend of mine had come over for lunch. I had come out to her and then a little while later she asked me what my name was. I told her and she put her arms around me, gave me the most amazing hug and said 'I'm so pleased to meet you, Beth.' That was my rubicon moment. I felt the most incredible surge of joy and euphoria deep deep within my body and in my soul. It was truly like being born again, or (to use a comparison I was more familiar with at the time) enjoying the best ecstasy hit I've ever experienced. I knew all my life was leading to this. I looked in the mirror shortly afterwards and for the first time I saw the girl I always have been: Beth. And I was smiling; smiling like the happiest woman on earth! So that was my point of no return. Hesitancy is completely understandable. But for me, my name was the key to pushing me over the line. Even now, whenever I hear it I feel an echo of the intense joy I felt that day in July 2020, like ripples from that initial moment of impact, when the surface broke and my life was changed forever. Good luck, my friend! Beth x
Hi I am early in my transition. MtF, 44, and started hormones two weeks ago. For me it has been a lot of little things that keep reaffirming me and damning my old self. Therapy over zoom has been amazing. Presenting as, what turns out to be me, was what really sent me down the road to accepting this and coming to terms with it. Every time I have to tell my story, it reaffirms. Every time I cry and feel, it reaffirms. Not sure if you wear glasses, but if you do, have you ever not cleaned them for a long time. You still see fine. But then one day you clean them and all of a sudden the world is crisper and brighter and in higher resolution. Things just click better. When I think to hold onto my old self, it is not wanting to be a man, it’s wanting to hold onto the roles I have within that context. The role of father (turns out I can still be a dad - albeit a female dad) and husband (not sure our marriage will survive but we still love each other and need to support each other and be there for our six kids). Do you hold on for the roles and trappings of life? Listen to the little things and you can figure it out.
Thank you all for your responses! Opening up to friends is a very big step that I'm still struggling with, but I'm willing to make it soon enough. I can't get over the mental block that nobody would ever understand what it's like etc etc. But I've seen the benefits that come with showing yourself as vulnerable in my relationship, something that I struggled with for a very long time and still do. It'll just take some more time to do that in front of others. I can fully understand life not feeling fair. I've struggled with it (still do) and what's helped me was trying to be appreciative of the things that I already have. Same thing with the self-hate, although I can't say it's been a miraculous remedy haha I've read so many experiences, but I don't think they help as much as they used to. I went to some Pride events recently, and interacting with other trans folks has shifted my doomer attitude quite a lot. Unfortunately, these sort of events don't happen that often. This is such a beautiful story! I'm very glad you managed to find and accept yourself in such a wonderful manner! I suppose mine was the euphoria I felt after spending time with my cousins and just feeling like "one of the boys". Something clicked and suddenly I felt at home as a boy/man. It's the trans label I still struggle with, even though I've completely accepted I'm a guy. Something that I decided to do this week in order to help me accept my trans status was trying to be more open about it towards strangers (if it's safe, of course). The Trans label feels daunting, it has such big weights attached to it and I'd rather run from it than embracing it. I'd rather get on with my man life and be over with the trans stuff, but I recently realised that burying it down won't do me any good in the long run. That's good insight. I think for me it's the safety that being obviously AFAB offers people. You look at me, I'm obviously queer, so women and queer people tipically let their guard down more easily. I don't want to be seen as a predator. It's something I've been working on for the past year or so, and I've gotten better at not being paranoid I'm seen as a creep, but that safety is still something I might miss.
It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it? And so affirming. Don't be afraid of it, Redstatic. All it denotes is that we are different from those who were born as their 'correct' gender. It doesn't make us any less - trans men are men and trans women are women. There are benefits though - it gives us a unique perspective, I think. Beth x
Hello! I have nothing really to add other that I'm also a trans person, I have no idea what I'm doing, and the word "static" also found its way into my user name. Let us join forces and make socks cling to people and make their hair all sticky uppy.
It sure is. I think I've been spending a lot of time focusing on the unpleasant feelings being trans generates, as well as the stress that comes with starting my transition, that I've forgotten about these wonderful moments. Although, to be honest, these moments of euphoria come with a certain grief - if I were cis, I wouldn't need to cling to these short moments for hope. Well, actually I'd probably still cling to some moments of happiness, but they'd be different and unrelated to my gender identity. Yeah, I suppose. I think this is the only thing that helps me not burry my trans identity deep, deep down. And it keeps me from spiraling down the 'oh, if only I were cis' rabbit hole. I've had, and will have, experiences that have shaped me into the man I am today, solely because I am trans (it was strangely difficult to type that down.). I still don't like it, and to be honest if there was a button that'd turn me cis I'd press it right now. But these are the cards I've been dealt, so I don't want to live a life full of regrets, grief and 'if only..' because I was born like this. I feel more determined to do the best I can with this body and this stupid life. It's just a game, after all. I'll bend myself and the rules to my own liking. And I'll live a life I'm satisfied with. I'm tired of not.
I don't mean to derail this thread, but I find the undercurrent of just how many transpeople are openly wondering if they're "faking it" incredibly disturbing. Being transgender is not a fabrication, it is not recent, it is not a hysteria, and it cannot be "faked." You cannot "brainwash" someone into being transgender any more than you can "brainwash" someone into being left-handed. That isn't how neurobiology works. You might be able to make someone think they are left-handed, but when that pen hits the paper, the reality of the situation is going to be obvious in a hurry.
I know what you mean, I think I'm bi-gender, but though I've only found out relatively recently it was (with the benefit of hindsight) always there.
It's mainly because of the society around us that makes us think so, but I think doubting is also an important step towards figuring yourself out fully, so you know that it is the right step forward and it helps you grow as a person. Others who haven't dealt with this and are not educated about it all think it's something easy to make up and a form of rebellion, what it's not. I've seen around me, that people who have made aware of transgender people and are educated and had exposure tend to be much more open minded, than people who know nothing. I've noticed it with my friend, aunt and aunts daughters who are all really accepting. Of course it's not like this with everyone, but it's a small thing I've noticed. I wonder, if there are any studies about it.
I agree skepticism is very healthy, even in oneself, and I absolutely agree this kind of self-doubt is mostly a product of culture. A whole lot of people have made it their business to tell everyone we're delusional and therefore invalid. Coupling that with the constant narrative that we are innately dangerous implies we are an existential threat to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, ergo we must be eliminated. Some have even vocally stated it should be done "by any means," including public murder, to dissuade any further "deviants" from showing their face. That is not new information, of course, what comes as a shock to me is the number of us who are beginning to let that very same insidious notion into them. I know it is the product of overexposure to corrosive ideas, though that fact yields no comfort. Embrace yourselves, comrades. Don't let them decide who we are, when all they want us to do is die.
Oh, it's definitely a product of culture. For me, I'd say it was (and definitely still is, but I'm working on it) some sort of... holding onto a last thread of hope? I never wanted to be trans, and I still don't. It comes with too much stress socially than should be necessary, and for a while I held onto it as a form of "maybe I can just be cis and not have to deal with all this". It's a form of self preservation; nobody wants to be coupled with a marginalized community and deal with the shit that the rest of society creates for them/us. Now, rationally, the self doubt makes no damn sense. I was reflecting on it the other day, it's a goddamn baseless anxiety that I have. So life will go on. And if I make a "mistake", I'll be able to own up to it, and continue to live my life fully, without even considering that a "mistake". Just a path that was worth exploring but, ultimately, wasn't for me. People tend to view life in extreme highs and lows, I've noticed. I'll try to flow freely.
